We've all got that friend or group that we trust, we put our entire faith in for guidance and support, so who's to say that one of my biggest sources of support and guidance is not my own gut? She told me that I should cut my losses, she told me to turn away and not give this guy, we will call him Herbert, another shot even after all the great phone calls and talks we'd had. But lets be real honest here, I'm 36, single and no offers of marriage (well there was one but thats another story), so I decided, against my gut feeling that I should give this a shot.
I asked Herbert if he'd like to go out for drinks and his response was a confession, that he was compelled to tell me and thought it was a deal breaker--I braced myself. Although he was no longer practicing his religion for several years now, he didn't drink and didn't have the desire to, even after walking away from his beliefs. I am by far the last person that would ever judge someone on their religious beliefs or whether they drink alcohol or not, so a quick reassurance that I'm absolutely ok if he was, I was still game. Plans to meet at a local Mexican cantina with a great patio was made for two days later.
Day before the date, a terrific comeback run around the lake after a hiatus from marathon training, my spirit is elated and high when I get a text message, that took it all away.
Herbert: Sorry, but I won't be able to see you tomorrow night.
I've had this text before, the usual brush off that has happened too many times and ends in the typical fade away that people do when they are really not interested. What usually transpires is that the date never gets rescheduled and I never hear from the guy again. So you can imagine how deflated I was to stumble across Herbert, a great guy that I've been getting along with the past few weeks and then all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under me.
Herbert: I was excited to meet u to but also super nervous...its been a hard transition for me after being {religion omitted}most of my life and having a family that is and always will be hard core {religion omitted}. I am confused about who I am and who I want to be..I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
My initial gut feeling tells me "Sarah, run, don't try to nurture this one, its ok to walk away". I respectfully responded: Tell me why meeting me makes you nervous? I'm not judging you based on your religion or your family, its your character thats more important. I'd hope you'd see me in the same light but thats me assuming. I'm sorry you're going through so much, I wish you'd have said something sooner, I was starting to really like you.
Herbert: Can I change my mind...it might not go anywhere but I want to at least meet u and then go from there. I promise I'm not a baby...haha.
(I waited an hour before responding)
Me: Meet me at the bridge by the theater at 6:30, bring a water bottle and comfortable shoes for a walk around the lake with me and the dog. If all you want to do is just meet and its a one time thing, then let me go but if you want more and to foster a friendship, you know where I'll be.
Herbert: Yup, u would be an amazing lawyer, I definitely want to do more than just meet you, see you at 6:30!
Day of date, Herbert was on point for a nice relaxing walk around the lake, where we can get a chance to talk, a place away from any ideas of religion or alcohol...until he broaches the idea that its too humid out for a walk, can we go back to the original plan of the cantina? oh yeah and what time were we meeting again? My Gut: Red Flag! Red Flag! my gut is screaming at me, but I tell her to shut up and I politely respond with the directions and time.
I arrive at 6:30pm, he tells me he's already there wearing a red volcom (whatever that is?) so after a lap around the patio and bar, approaching the only guy wearing anything of red significance sitting alone, I struck out. Quick text to him tells me he's looking for the entrance of the bar outside. I go outside and see him walking up from the direction of the parking lot. He tells me he was inside the bar across the cantina waiting for me (which is the opposite direction) Red Flag! Red Flag! He also doesn't look like his pictures, Red Flag with polka dots!
Cut to sitting at dinner, I ask him about places he normally goes out for dinner with his friends? Whats his favorite restaurant? Herbert: Uh, I dunno. I don't really go out much Me: Oh so you cook at home a lot? Herbert: No not really Me: So what do you eat? Herbert: Uh... I have a lot of frozen meals I eat. Me: Oh like lean cuisine and hungry man? Herbert: Whats hungry man?
The rest of the conversation steered towards sci-fy shows, Transformers, Planet of the Apes and the rioting of Brazil after they lost in the World Cup finals. I did my best to ask him questions about him, get a chance to know him, his family, his passions. We talked about triathlons and ragnar, I mentioned my blood clot and he reacted like I said I had farted, then went back to talking about himself. I must have struck a nerve when I asked him how often he and his 10 brothers and sisters got together, half of which live in the immediate area because his behavior shifted, defensive almost, combative. I live no where near my family and I chat with at least one of them in one way or another every day. He gets together with them once a month "They live their lives, I live mine". Lets focus on a small tiny detail, if you are part of a large family, thats religion based, and the only person in the family not partaking in that religion, don't you think either way, your family would love you enough to want to spend time with you? If I can show him that his religion and alcohol is not an issue, so we can spend time together, why is it that he's combative about spending time with his family and cutting himself off from them? I'm gonna call a yellow warning card on that one.
The check comes, I offer to split it with him, he declines and as he is signing the bill, I'm mid-sentence asking him more about his family, he cuts me off, stands up and says "It was nice meeting you" and makes a scene as he walks out the door, leaving me alone in the booth, all eyes are on me from the surrounding tables. What the heck just happened?!
A follow up text discussion as I head out to the parking lot:
Me: Uh what just happened, why'd you leave me alone at the table?
Herbert: I almost left b4 we went into the restaurant. U make funny faces and make the conversation super awkward.
Me: I've truly never been so offended, and I've lived with 50 women before! Please remove me from your contacts. You didn't seem like the kind of guy to be so callous but I guess I can't judge a book by its cover.
Herbert: hahaha....Don't worry I wasn't planning on contacting u again. U said several things that were offensive and I didn't want be around someone like that much longer.
Apparently me asking questions about him and getting to know him (isn't that what you're supposed to do on a date?) was offensive, oh and that I pointed out that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were great but that I hope their new movie helps to show children the correct art form, time and use of karate, its not just kicking someone and yelling hi-yah!
So what has Sarah learned here? Several life lessons, starting with "Always trust your gut! She knows what she's talking about and she will forgive you even when you tell her to shut up". That if a guy is wishy washy, can't remember the time or location of a date made and changes his mind 3 times before you even go on the date, he's got bigger issues going on, one of which is being a real man. I confirmed with a trusted source and professional expert in the area of psychology who indicated that all night he was displaying a sociopathic mindset and something deep and bigger going on with him and/or his family. He obviously lied about going to the wrong restaurant and the fact that he got defensive when I asked about his family tells me that I avoided a huge poor life choice by inviting a loose cannon in my life.
What lesson should you walk away from this yourself? Your gut, your 6th sense, whatever support you trust and lean on for good sound advice, never tell her to shut up, she's there for your protection. Carry on campers!
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