Who's the Man? Stan--Wait Who's Stan?

****Originally posted August 2014, updated in purple September 2014 at bottom of post****

Sometimes, a conversation is all you need to really get a good idea on just what you're in for. You can get a vibe of joy, a red flag of "yikes", happiness, sadness, excitement and can really bring some sweetness to the receiver's side. In the dating world, I recently had a conversation with *Stan, a guy that I met online. Instead of writing out a novel, I think the conversation alone paints a good picture. While reading, do yourself a favor and keep notes on which "vibe" you are getting. And now, onto our feature presentation: note that these are verbatim words so please excuse grammar and spelling, its as it appeared in my messages.

Stan: Hi

                                Me: Hello? Who's this?

Stan

Wanna exchange pics

                                Hey Stan, how are you

                                and Beth doing out in CA?

Can I have a picture

                                Stan you're funny. So how's

                                the beach? Are you loving 

                                the job and new area?

I'm not in California

Your thinking of another stan

                               Oh Sorry

                               Wait is this Stan Olson?

                               Ah kid, how are you? The

                               family?

I'm in Phoenix

                              You visiting?

Let's just exchange pics

We never met before

                               Awkward...my bad, sorry I

                               can't place you

                               How'd you get my number?

Maybe on a dating site

                               Lol maybe?

                               That must've been a few months

                               ago at least then

Can I have a picture

yeah

                               Sorry but since I don't remember

                               you obviously and you can't

                               remember where you got my 

                               number, gotta admit that sounds

                               a little hinky. I'm going to have to

                               hold off on sending any photos.

                                Sorry, you don't look familiar :(

U gave me your number off

the internet dating site

                               Oh ok well thanks for the check-in

                               sorry I've been dating a lot this

                               summer so apologies that I don't

                               remember chatting with you.

I would remember u if I 

saw a picture

                               Wait, so you don't remember me either?

                               Lol ok this is super awkward no lol

I know your name is Sarah

Don't remember what u 

look like

                              ***  

Your cute

Wish I got to meet u

                   (some time passes)

What u doing

                                 Working

What area do u live in

                                 **Tempe, why?

Just wondering

My work is in Tempe

                        (next day)

Hi

                     (3 days later) 

Hey

                     (2 days later)

Hey wanna hangout

                                  Stan, sorry but I am not looking

                                  to "hang out". Just being honest.

                                  I do wish you the best!

Show me your tits
                                  No, please remove me from your
                                  contacts.
                      (later that night)
Show me your boobs first
 

Classy. Sooooooo classy.

I did some research after the fact and looked at my old phone that had old text messages in it still, finding the first set of conversation that he and I had starting in April. Immediately my memory was triggered as to why I didn't get a good feeling of Stan the first time. He demanded I send him photos over and over again (counting, in the short time we talked, 27 times) and yes, I'm stunning but I look the same every day, he was asking for photos every day, multiple times a day, he got one photo of me. I quickly developed an uneasy feeling and stopped responding to him. Like clockwork, every 2-3 days he would send a message to me over a 3 week period of "hi", "hey", "Hi", "what are you doing", "send me a pic", "Hey" with zero responses from me. Yes, I did the fade away and I hate that I had to resort to it but in this instance, I think I found a justifiable reason to do it. 

Now you might be thinking, why didn't I just tell him I wasn't interested back in April? If he wasn't listening to me when I told him I wasn't going to send him multiple photos of myself, he wouldn't listen to me if I told him I wasn't interested. Proof in the pudding, 2nd time around shows you his response when I finally did respond and obviously, he didn't listen. And yes, thats not a photo of me, I was testing him to see if he really didn't remember what I looked like, again, proven correct sadly.

Conversations should be 50/50 or somewhat within reason, where there's a strong listening skill set, exploring the topic and getting to know one another's perspective.  Paying attention, trying to remember a few key details such as what a person looks like, or how you know someone before contacting them. These are great tools for being successful in having conversations! It applies to not only the dating world but for the real world work force, making new friends, keeping in touch with family, going through the TSA line at the airport, etc.  Not paying attention at TSA will even risk a full body cavity search, missing your flight and potentially getting on the no-fly list (this is not awesome).  

So take some of these great tools, remember the vibe you might be giving out to others and if they truly aren't involved in the conversation, its ok to not respond until it really becomes necessary. Know yourself, know your limits and also know when to block someone from your phone or if you can't do that, change their id from "Stan" to "Do Not Answer". Good lucky campers!

*To protect Stan's identity, name changed

**To protect the location of where I actually live, I used a different city so he would hit a brick wall if he went looking. 

***Photo found online.

****Updated September 2014****

The above story started out in April 2014 and the last message from Stan was sent on August 4th, 2014. On September 24th, he sent me a message via the dating website I'm on (of which I was confident I'd blocked him but apparently it didn't save).

His message: Hey Sarah I'm Stan nice to meet you. Your very pretty

I sat at my computer, dumbfounded that Stan has once again found me, he's like a bad penny! Now, messaging me as if he was introducing himself for the very first time, that not once but twice in 6 months, the conversations we'd had, numbers exchanged, that none of that had ever happened. What is a little concerning, the photos I've got are exactly the same now as they were back in April with the exception of one new picture I put up in July. Believe me, I called him on it.
                                         Do you remember me?
Did we talk before ?
Did we meet?
                                         Yes, we talked for a very long time
                                         over the summer. Never met in person
                                         because you kept asking me to show
                                         you my boobs and you got mad when
                                         I declined to do so because I didn't feel
                                         comfortable doing that.
I'm sorry can u forgive me
Can we try to hangout again

At some point, theres a point where even the best of patience levels is pushed beyond what is acceptable. The answer is no, there will be no third times the charm and I believe even the guys would agree with me out there, this is a bad, made-for-tv movie where the ending will somehow involve either a trip to the funny farm or at least a restraining order.  Can I forgive him? Absolutely, he's not worth harboring any negative feelings towards and to be honest, how do I know he isn't suffering from short term memory loss? Mental illness and memory loss is no laughing matter and I would not condemn a man who suffered from it.

If you feel so inclined, I encourage you to consider making a donation the Alzheimer's Association in honor of your favorite single guy or gal in the spirit of their plight as they may run across their own version of Stan and will have to, on more than one occasion, need to handle a few bad pennies. Stay happy my campers!

Optimistically Yours,

All Hands on Deck! Reflections of 2 Crew Members

OK guys, this one is definitely more for you than the ladies this time around...

On the Dating Boat that floats on the sea, Daphne, a passenger, crew member and confidante of mine, we have had our share of bumpy, rough waters. Luckily, as work our way up from deck hand to 1st mate, we've been able to spot some of those rough waters to help avoid any extra turbulence.  A first impression is really all that we get meeting new people, rarely a 2nd chance is ever given so you want to make sure your best foot is always put forward and when in doubt, double check with a friend to make sure your best foot really is where it should be. What do I mean by that?

As Daphne and I have been trading war stories about the "men" we've been encountering, a prevalent theme is popping up, and thats that there are too many men and yes, some women, that put the time and effort into their dating profile that might take one to defrost a frozen meal (right Herbert?) Profile photos of men pictured with their wife from their wedding day, now they are divorcing, he's telling us he's ready to get out there! How about the guy who never smiles, you never know if he's really got all his teeth (deal breaker for me if theres some missing). A personal favorite is the guy thats pictured sitting on the toilet, reading the newspaper with his sunglasses on...is it really that bright in the bathroom while you poop to protect your eyes?

Don't get me wrong, every girl has a standard list of things they want their man to possess, sense of humor is one of the big ones, next to employment and no baggage but theres a point when you can hit a wall on humor before you just get creepy.  Here are a few that we've taken from one of the latest, greatest dating apps. Notice their ages as well, you'd think they'd have enough commonsense at this age to know better right? Well...

 

Nothing says unavailable like a profile picture of a guy who's already married

posted on a dating website. Obviously these two guys did not have a friend double check their account before publishing.

 

 

 

Oddly enough, this is a married couple that approached me for a potential polygamy opportunity. I don't judge anyone's personal preferences but if the person you're contacting IS NOT into what you are, please don't reach out, its just awkward and you won't convince them to change their mind. Why would you want them to change their mind anyways?

A group photo from 1987 where its unclear which feathered head is yours, makes it a tough call. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zak, I love his taste in music but I honestly think this is either a joke gone too far or just plain creepy...and who is taking the picture?? Oh dear, really?

As Daphne put it best, a tattoo like this indicates he's made more than a few poor life choices in his day. 

















MJ, a serial killer has better hand writing and looks less scary that you do here, come on man!  This is the equivalent of the Gargamel inviting the Smurfs over for tea and to promise not to cook them in a stew!





Yes gentlemen, I'd like to encourage you to put your best foot forward which means, let the intended audience clearly know what you're looking for, a little about yourself, don't intentionally creep anyone out (ie: if your mother saw your profile would she be proud of you or check you into a psychiatric clinic?) and make sure that you're approaching people that have similar interests. Its ok to smile!

Ladies, you're not off the hook here either! Duck face is the same thing as letting a guy know that you're so 2009 and living in the past of what's sexy. I know I've made the duck face myself (lesson learned) but take it from me, its not sexy and its ok to let this pose go. Pictures of you in lingerie, bathroom selfies in questionable lighting, boobs hanging out, not being honest about what you're looking for, leading a guy on and of course, the favorite "Oh I can change him" attitude when you're meeting a potential mate will only keep you spinning on your hamster wheel. And replying to guys like the above pictured will only get you as far as filing a temporary restraining order because hey, no one wants to get murdered right? Ask yourself the same question "if your mother saw your profile, would she be proud that she took 9 months to cook you her in belly only to have you end up like this?" Yeah, stings a little if you realize you've gotta go change your dating profile now huh?

Lesson to be learned here, if you or the person you're interested in looks like they only put 5 minutes in putting their profile together, chances are thats all he or she will put into really getting to know who you are as a person. No really, don't argue with me on this, its a reality. Also, since we only get 1 first shot at a good first impression, make sure you're putting your best foot forward and only investing in getting to know a person thats done the same in return. If someone is willing to put themselves out there with reasonable information and expectations like you have, chances are that their best foot forward next to your best foot forward will be a great pair to man the deck on the Dating Boat! Who knows, you might find your First Mate after all in the process!

"I'll have a Mr. Wonderful with a side of Gut, Thanks!"

We've all got that friend or group that we trust, we put our entire faith in for guidance and support, so who's to say that one of my biggest sources of support and guidance is not my own gut?  She told me that I should cut my losses, she told me to turn away and not give this guy, we will call him Herbert, another shot even after all the great phone calls and talks we'd had. But lets be real honest here, I'm 36, single and no offers of marriage (well there was one but thats another story), so I decided, against my gut feeling that I should give this a shot.

I asked Herbert if he'd like to go out for drinks and his response was a confession, that he was compelled to tell me and thought it was a deal breaker--I braced myself. Although he was no longer practicing his religion for several years now, he didn't drink and didn't have the desire to, even after walking away from his beliefs. I am by far the last person that would ever judge someone on their religious beliefs or whether they drink alcohol or not, so a quick reassurance that I'm absolutely ok if he was, I was still game. Plans to meet at a local Mexican cantina with a great patio was made for two days later.

Day before the date, a terrific comeback run around the lake after a hiatus from marathon training, my spirit is elated and high when I get a text message, that took it all away.

Herbert: Sorry, but I won't be able to see you tomorrow night.

I've had this text before, the usual brush off that has happened too many times and ends in the typical fade away that people do when they are really not interested. What usually transpires is that the date never gets rescheduled and I never hear from the guy again. So you can imagine how deflated I was to stumble across Herbert, a great guy that I've been getting along with the past few weeks and then all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under me.

Herbert: I was excited to meet u to but also super nervous...its been a hard transition for me after being {religion omitted}most of my life and having a family that is and always will be hard core {religion omitted}. I am confused about who I am and who I want to be..I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

My initial gut feeling tells me "Sarah, run, don't try to nurture this one, its ok to walk away". I respectfully responded: Tell me why meeting me makes you nervous? I'm not judging you based on your religion or your family, its your character thats more important. I'd hope you'd see me in the same light but thats me assuming. I'm sorry you're going through so much, I wish you'd have said something sooner, I was starting to really like you.
Herbert: Can I change my mind...it might not go anywhere but I want to at least meet u and then go from there. I promise I'm not a baby...haha.
(I waited an hour before responding)
Me: Meet me at the bridge by the theater at 6:30, bring a water bottle and comfortable shoes for a walk around the lake with me and the dog. If all you want to do is just meet and its a one time thing, then let me go but if you want more and to foster a friendship, you know where I'll be.
Herbert: Yup, u would be an amazing lawyer, I definitely want to do more than just meet you, see you at 6:30!

Day of date, Herbert was on point for a nice relaxing walk around the lake, where we can get a chance to talk, a place away from any ideas of religion or alcohol...until he broaches the idea that its too humid out for a walk, can we go back to the original plan of the cantina? oh yeah and what time were we meeting again? My Gut: Red Flag! Red Flag! my gut is screaming at me, but I tell her to shut up and I politely respond with the directions and time.

I arrive at 6:30pm, he tells me he's already there wearing a red volcom (whatever that is?) so after a lap around the patio and bar, approaching the only guy wearing anything of red significance sitting alone, I struck out. Quick text to him tells me he's looking for the entrance of the bar outside. I go outside and see him walking up from the direction of the parking lot. He tells me he was inside the bar across the cantina waiting for me (which is the opposite direction) Red Flag! Red Flag! He also doesn't look like his pictures, Red Flag with polka dots!

Cut to sitting at dinner, I ask him about places he normally goes out for dinner with his friends? Whats his favorite restaurant? Herbert: Uh, I dunno. I don't really go out much Me: Oh so you cook at home a lot? Herbert: No not really  Me: So what do you eat? Herbert: Uh... I have a lot of frozen meals I eat. Me: Oh like lean cuisine and hungry man? Herbert: Whats hungry man?

The rest of the conversation steered towards sci-fy shows, Transformers, Planet of the Apes and the rioting of Brazil after they lost in the World Cup finals. I did my best to ask him questions about him, get a chance to know him, his family, his passions. We talked about triathlons and ragnar, I mentioned my blood clot and he reacted like I said I had farted, then went back to talking about himself. I must have struck a nerve when I asked him how often he and his 10 brothers and sisters got together, half of which live in the immediate area because his behavior shifted, defensive almost, combative. I live no where near my family and I chat with at least one of them in one way or another every day. He gets together with them once a month "They live their lives, I live mine". Lets focus on a small tiny detail, if you are part of a large family, thats religion based, and the only person in the family not partaking in that religion, don't you think either way, your family would love you enough to want to spend time with you? If I can show him that his religion and alcohol is not an issue, so we can spend time together, why is it that he's combative about spending time with his family and cutting himself off from them? I'm gonna call a yellow warning card on that one.

The check comes, I offer to split it with him, he declines and as he is signing the bill, I'm mid-sentence asking him more about his family, he cuts me off, stands up and says "It was nice meeting you" and makes a scene as he walks out the door, leaving me alone in the booth, all eyes are on me from the surrounding tables. What the heck just happened?!

A follow up text discussion as I head out to the parking lot:
Me: Uh what just happened, why'd you leave me alone at the table?
Herbert: I almost left b4 we went into the restaurant. U make funny faces and make the conversation super awkward.
Me: I've truly never been so offended, and I've lived with 50 women before! Please remove me from your contacts. You didn't seem like the kind of guy to be so callous but I guess I can't judge a book by its cover.
Herbert: hahaha....Don't worry I wasn't planning on contacting u again. U said several things that were offensive and I didn't want be around someone like that much longer.
Apparently me asking questions about him and getting to know him (isn't that what you're supposed to do on a date?) was offensive, oh and that I pointed out that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were great but that I hope their new movie helps to show children the correct art form, time and use of karate, its not just kicking someone and yelling hi-yah!

So what has Sarah learned here? Several life lessons, starting with "Always trust your gut! She knows what she's talking about and she will forgive you even when you tell her to shut up". That if a guy is wishy washy, can't remember the time or location of a date made and changes his mind 3 times before you even go on the date, he's got bigger issues going on, one of which is being a real man. I confirmed with a trusted source and professional expert in the area of psychology who indicated that all night he was displaying a sociopathic mindset and something deep and bigger going on with him and/or his family. He obviously lied about going to the wrong restaurant and the fact that he got defensive when I asked about his family tells me that I avoided a huge poor life choice by inviting a loose cannon in my life.

What lesson should you walk away from this yourself? Your gut, your 6th sense, whatever support you trust and lean on for good sound advice, never tell her to shut up, she's there for your protection. Carry on campers!

Church Mouse in the Devil's Den

You know how history repeats itself? Like when neon was once super popular in the 1980s and then it made a roaring comeback in the past year or so? Or it was cool to smoke like Camel Joe, then it was horrible because we discovered it caused cancer...but now they have smokeless cigarettes and the marketing companies are trying to make it sauve to smoke (boo!)  Well this girl, despite her better judgement fell prey to peer pressure and after so many people around me suggested to try out another dating website (literally have to use all fingers and 4 toes to count how many I've been on!) here I am again!

This time, instead of being cheap and having a free account, waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet, I paid for a temporary 3 month subscription hoping that in that time frame, if the marketing hoopla really lived up to its expectations I wouldn't need to be on there much longer. Within minutes I am matched up to several men from all over the valley...ok maybe only 6 in the first round but hey thats better than a slow night at a local dive bar right?  One caught my fancy, a cute blonde haired, bright blue eyed hunk that lived within 5 miles of me! 6'3", never married, has 2 puppies, college athlete and swimmer that likes to cook and is looking for a "partner in life and crime". Our profiles matched up 87% which is pretty fair because you don't want to be 100% exactly the same, then you're too much alike and its awkward.

He contacted me first with a "wink", I reply back with a hello, nice profile and we're off! We chatted several times back and forth but then I noticed things started to get a little weird when the conversation went like this:

Matt: thats cool. you looking for a donor?
Me:  a donor? well its always nice to have someone donate to a local charity or cause. what interests you?
Matt: do you want kids?
Me: of course! what about you?
Matt: absolutely! with you!
Me: well, if they got your eyes and my mischief, of course lol jk!
Matt: well i'm gonna put it out there, are you ready for a child? are you open to a child outside of a relationship?
Me: yes i'm ready for a child although a relationship first is better lol
Matt: you got any naughty pics?
Me: honestly, lets not start off like that ok?
Matt: ok, we had diff things in mind in the baby part, my apologies...starting to gather that we had diff things in mind all together ;)  Its ok though you seem really sweet and fun and its been nice talking to you ;)
Me: lol did i just miss a step? what did you have in mind?
Matt: not what you did obviously! lol no misstep and no worries. if you change your mind please let me know :)
Me: wait ok, seriously i think i missed something here...
Matt: I'm going to be very forward...I didn't contact you for a relationship or to date, I'd simply go out w a perfect 10, 25 year old for that...I contacted your because your red hair was a huge turn on and I thought you might be open to a some ongoing mature adult fun...I also saw that you were 34 and def wanted kids s I also was interested in being a sperm donor, obviously details would need to be discussed...I got the vibe that you're looking for a man to settle down with, thats cool and I completely respect that, but that man isn't me...Hope thats not to honest!!!! :)
Me: Guessing I'm not a 10 for you, so thank for your honesty and I do wish you and Tessa [one of his dogs] all the best. Honestly if all I was looking for was a fb I wouldn't be on match. Thats not what this site is intended for but silly me and being selfish to want a relationship before a physical relationship. Good luck to you!

Yup...this all happened in less than 24 hours of having my profile up and active. I'll admit, I'm probably as naive as a church mouse in the Devil's den but seriously, this is the kind of thing I would expect from the dating pools of craigslist or plenty of phish. Needless to say I flagged this guy not because he offended me (takes more than that to rattle this girl's cage) but because he doesn't get the purpose of the site and after I had 2 other people review my profile to verify that there was nothing in it to indicate that I was looking for anything besides a lasting relationship. I added this in my "about me" section:

There is so much more to me than can fit in this little box so if you want to know more, please just ask.  Who knows, if you're up to the challenge, you might just experience it first hand! Have a great day and I can't wait to meet you!  PS, I am looking for a fun, loving and caring relationship, not just a one night stand or fwb situation, thanks!

Even after adding this last bit...I had 4 other offers similar to Matt's. I will keep trucking along but in the back of my head I keep reminding myself "Did I really pay to be approached this way? And for 3 solid months?" Oy vey! I'll keep ya'll updated! Anyone else going through something similar, please feel free to let me know and I'll post it for you :) Stay strong my single friends!

Miss Lonely Hearts and the Piranha in Shining Armor

Raise your hand if you are a perfect dater? You know to follow up with a 2nd date offer before the end of the first date, thank the other person for a great evening (even if a root canal was more fun), remember to make the 4th date as much fun as the 1st but with more silliness and on date #12 you know to send a text before he or she got home to say you were thinking about them. Still raising your hand? --great, go find someone to pat you on the back for a job well done. For those of you that didn't raise your hand, this post is especially for you. Please pay close attention because it took a very brave girl to give me the nod to share her story so YOU will know just how harsh getting a little lovin' over love can do to your next victim.

*Janie is in her late 20's, bright, ambitious, dream job, great family and friendship network to support her and her looks rival those of Jessica Alba. College educated, funny, seems to make friends extremely easily and if you put her in front of some karaoke, just try and stop her from belting out whatever you challenge her to, she's got a pretty decent voice, at least in my opinion. *She is blushing reading that last statement FYI.  Like many of us in our 20s, 30s, 40s, well heck, it doesn't matter what age you are when you're hitting a dating slump, there is a point in our lives where we find ourselves lonely, wishing for something more. We leave our brains at the coat check and let our hearts and/or libidos make the decisions on the dance floor of life. Janie, looking for love in all the wrong places, unfortunately became the next victim, a Miss Lonely Hearts if you will.

Janie, through mutual friends, had met Knight in Shining Armor at a party who showed some interest in who she was and the things she liked.  Our Knight asked all the right questions, said incredibly sweet things to her, funny and made her feel safe. At the end of the evening it had felt to her that they had spent an eternity together instead of just a couple of hours and Janie didn't want to say good night. Recognizing his prey was ready, it didn't take much before this Knight in Shining Armor went from charming to Piranha and he pounced! Walking her to her car, he made his move, a kiss good night that quickly progressed to 2nd base. Since they had both bypassed the coat check to pick up their brains, a quick trip back to his place, Janie and the Piranha had rounded 2nd headed straight for home plate!  Score one for our two lonely hearts right?! Cuddling all night long until the sun came up, Janie thinks to herself, wow, thats not her normal behavior "but its ok, he really was into me and I like him too, so no harm done.  We'll just build off this." Who is currently shaking their heads right now, sad that our misguided Miss Lonely Hearts has made a slight error in judgement?

After an awkward good morning and thanks for a great night, Piranha and Janie exchange numbers, he says he'll call.  Day 1 goes by, he hasn't called. Day 2 goes by...still no call, maybe her phone is broken?  Janie decides to send him a text, whats the harm right? Maybe he is busy?

Janie: Hey, hows your day?
Knight: Hey, good thanks
Janie: Hey so I was thinking about the other night, I really had a great time. I was thinking we should grab some dinner this week.
(an hour or two goes by)
Janie: Hey so what night you free for some dinner? :)
Knight: Oh yeah, hey kinda busy this week. Next week for sure!
Janie: Um ok

Who is still shaking their head? What we are seeing here of our dear Janie is the failure to recognize that she has fallen victim to the One Night Stand. Yes sir--(or madame, ladies pull this move on guys too!) you who failed to raise your hand earlier, you are probably finding yourself squirming in your seat because you know that at some point pulled a move like this because you weren't looking for love, just a little lovin'. You also know that those victims you leave behind, you do some damage to those lonely hearts and not everyone is lucky to have a great network of friends and family for support like Janie does.  Even with her support system, she was devastated, felt foolish for being so trusting and unguarded which only spells trouble for the next guy who may genuinely want to be in a relationship with her. Mortified too that she allowed to put herself in that situation, she ran out and got herself tested to make sure everything was still "ok". Two thumbs down to our Piranha in Shining Armor, poor form sir. Also, a thumb down to Janie, it takes two to tango and apparently a half gallon of rocky road won't fix her trust issue she has just created for herself.

Whats our lesson today class? One night stands provide a fantastic retreat from reality but this fantasy can come with big consequences in the long run such as unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, money missing from your wallet or realizing you don't remember where your car is and don't know the address where you are to call a cab. Love is not the same as a little lovin', so do yourselves a favor my courageous lonely hearts out there, next time you find yourselves in a situation that might end up in an intimate adventure the first night you meet, go get your brain from the coat check. Your integrity, your physical health and your lonely heart will be so much better off by finding someone who wants to give you love over lovin'. Gentlemen, there are female piranhas...you see one, you turn to your closest wing man to run interference and go find yourself a lady worth your lonely heart.  Good luck out there!

*Changed the name of my dear girl friend to protect her integrity, because thats what real girlfriends do!

Challenge: The Tightie Whitie v. Cold Cream 2 Step

A recent chat with a fellow optimist brought to our attention a theory, although probably based on a foundation of one too many sips from the inspiration pool, it made good sense that in order to really put this theory to the test, it should be shared with the cosmos.  The theory, what if, instead of going through the song and dance of dating, making sure we always appear cool, calm and collected, using our best behavior and most seductive perfume or cologne, what if all our first dates were more realistic? What I mean by this is, instead of going out to coffee or sushi and impressing the guy or gal with your extensive knowledge of red wines of Spain, what if first dates took place on the couch of your place, in front of the television over a bowl of cereal and your hair up in bun, his still hasn't been combed since the day before?

For heavensake, don't think I'm crazy here, its a valid theory right? What if the 2 step dance we do when we're dating no longer was a dance full of questions, maybes, speculations, etc and you stepped outside the box on a first date? I'd be willing to give this theory a try and wear my pj bottoms, flip flops and tank top to grab coffee at Starbucks at 7am on a date if I thought being the real me was a good idea right off the bat. I mean lets be serious, I am gorgeous but this kind of effortlessly beautiful look takes a lot of work, especially at 7am to grab coffee! lol, What if I hit it off with my dream man this way, rather than being on my best behavior in the beginning? That way he's not shocked when somewhere down the line, when we move in together and he realizes that yes, it takes me a few days to get to the dishes in my sink and yes, laundry will sit dirty in the hamper for almost 2 weeks before I consider touching it.

Campers, lets put it all out there, strip away those social boundaries that I know I'm pushing, but lets stop and think about the logistics. Your first date with your guy or girl, you were nervous, probably went through 8 wardrobe changes (yes even men do the same thing!) and worried that you picked the wrong ideal-first-date location and when it came time for the actual date, wanted to ensure a 2nd date so you were both on your best behavior, pretending you liked the movie or really enjoyed the concert when you're really thinking "I wonder what my buddy Ryan is doing on his X-box. I can't wait to log on and check out his score v. mine". Ladies, the same thing, I'm sure that spicy tuna roll wasn't what you'd rather have had for dinner but you were brought up with manners and tried it anyways...secretly wishing that you'd put your foot down and ordered a safer Philadelphia sushi roll.

We do this silly dance of pretending to be on our best behaviors early on when dating someone new. Sometimes when it doesn't work out, someone or both are disappointed because he's more comfortable in front of the x-box in his tightie whities. Yes guys, she will go to bed with cold cream on her face---meaning no midnight nookie because she needs to marinade overnight for that gorgeous effortless glow in the a.m.  So why put the pretense out there and do this dance?

Why not on your next first date with someone new, be silly and suggest meeting for coffee in your pj's at Starbucks (they won't care what you wear as long as you're fully clothed) and just relax and have a good time? I double dog dare the ladies to not change their outfit 8 times and wear on your first date what you'd wear shopping with one of your girlfriends at the mall...after a big lunch (ladies, you know exactly what I'm talking about!) Guys, do us ladies a favor, and man up, if you start the dating relationship by opening doors, then make sure you do that forever for your lady. Don't do it just until you've hooked her, then let up on the mystery and slink back into your video gaming Saturday afternoons after a few weeks. We all need our downtime and don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of good hygiene habits and cleaning up once in awhile but what could it hurt to start a relationship almost in the middle and see if that makes a difference in how the relationship works out? Couldn't be any worse than the pretending at the beginning that you always have perfect lipstick applied or don't fart after a 16oz beer....lets get real and see where it leads! 

My challenge to all of you optimists out there or maybe just the dare devils, your next first date with someone, consider putting this theory to work and then let me know how you fared in the situation, I want to know if this extremely insane but possibly genious theory fares. Plus consider this...if your first date works out into a 2nd, 3rd, etc, maybe you've just cracked the code on your perfect soul mate and they really DO like you for who you are: beer farts, tightie whities and cold cream! :)

Swimming with the Fishes

After a short hiatus from the blog, I am back with another delightful little narrative to tickle your funny bone, or at least kill a few minutes while you wait for your barista to make your favorite double tall non-fat mocha with no whip nonsense (come, a little whip is ok people). I digress.

I emailed *Nate after seeing a quirky and fun little personals posting he put out asking if anyone was interested in checking out a movie that I too was interested in seeing. Unfortunately I was a day late from when he wanted some company but I emailed him regardless and asked if the movie was any good. We got to chatting and soon we found ourselves on a date by the end of the first day, you guessed it, watching a movie, a comedy that although it didn't get high reviews, we both found hilarious! He walked me to my car afterwards and I found myself in a makeout session in the parking lot like we were 17!

A quick run down on Nate, he is a swimmer from Iowa that still to this day holds state championship records for his divisions (yes, thats plural) and even in his 30's still has the long, lean swimmer body. Close to his family, loves his niece--who has him wrapped around her little finger, educated, bright blue eyes, comfortable and easy personality, we got along swimmingly, pardon the pun, so it was no wonder we got into a great rhythm after just a few dates. Before we know it, a few months have gone by and yes, I had to ask the question of where this relationship was going. His honest response and I have to give him credit here was basically he wanted to only date. Bummer, of course I saw something special in him and was hoping for more so try as I might, I couldn't convince myself to stay knowing we were both on different paths.

A month goes by and right after Thanksgiving imagine my surprise when I see a text from Nate asking how my holiday was and that he missed me. Honestly, I am pretty amazing so who wouldn't right?  We had a good chat about getting back together and I made it clear I wasn't going to budge, I wanted a relationship so if he was serious, lets give this another go. He agreed and we moved forward which was really great. We fell back into a great rhythm but it was better and no, I wasn't kidding myself, it really was better the second time around. I'm a casual painter and one day he was looking at a few that I have hanging in my home, commenting on one in particular that he liked. He asked if I would consider doing one for him?  Sure I say and for the first time ever, I actually was excited to give a very personal gift to a guy I was dating.  Another first for me, I actually was dating a guy on Valentines day. Nate and I celebrated it together and I was on cloud 9! Could it be that all my dating disasters have finally come to an end and this one was actually going to work out?

About a week after Valentines day, en route to the office one morning I get a text message from Nate: "Hey so I met another girl and we've been dating for awhile and I want to make it work with her so this is gonna have to end."  Whatcha talkin 'bout Willis?! I thought he was kidding, my stomach is turning, I am flushed and I can't believe my eyes...am I really getting a break-up "text"? Anyone remember on Sex and the City, when Carrie got a posted-note from Burger "I can't do this, sorry" yes, I was having a Carrie moment and wanted to throw up! Seriously, who the heck breaks up via text message?!

Of course I tried calling him to find out what the heck was going on and after a few hours he tells me the whole story that he'd met this other girl at a party, they'd been dating for a few weeks and he wanted to get serious with her. Awesome, so my first thought is, he's admitting he's been cheating, he really wasn't interested in having a relationship with me and the last part that really made my head spin was--Oh god, I have to go get tested because lord knows where this girl has been and what she might have! That part immediately replaced the broken heart with rage and anger. Thankfully everything turned out ok but for that period of time while I was waiting to find out the results, that was absolutely horrible.

In the process of this break up, I decided that it was only fair that I get back the painting I had made for him as a gift. Why let the bastard keep it when I could sell it and use the funds for a night out with the girls or a small token of bling for my ears? I called the next morning and no answer (surprise surprise) but I did get a text message back that he was upset because his new trampy girl friend was over and didn't know why I would be calling so early in the morning. Uh oh! Looks like Nate failed to mention he'd been dating me while he was dating her. Oops! I told him to be honest with her and that I was coming by that afternoon to pick up my painting. He said ok he'd be home and I could come pick it up. Arriving at his place at the time we selected he was mysteriously not there. I tried to arrange another pick up time, failed attempt #2. Finally I said I was coming over on a Sunday afternoon and regardless if he was home or not, just put it on the front porch. I couldn't figure it out, why was he so shady about giving me back my painting? Its like he wanted a daily visual reminder of our relationship on his wall...for his new girlfriend to see? Inappropriate. My conscience got the best of me and I decided to change my attitude about this trollop that seduced Nate away from me. In reality, she probably isn't a tramp, she just happened to be dating a guy who was one which is why I'd hate for her to ask where he'd gotten the painting. Either he tells her its from me (which would probably make any normal woman creeped out) or lies to her, committing the same dirty deed to her that he did to me.

Needless to say I got the painting back and if anyone is interested, I'm taking offers on a 3'x6' painting that I'd love to have to go a home that deserves it! A good lesson learned that regardless of how a man treats a woman (or vice versa) its not in any ones best interest to carry that relationship baggage with you into your next relationship. Second lesson, always get your stuff back because its too creepy to know that part of you is still lingering in the life of a trampy ex (aka Nate)!

*name has been changed to protect the not so innocent although I did consider putting in his real name just because of his dirty deeds.