Go on, Brush Your Shoulda's Off!

When you live alone you tend to spread out all over the place. I've got a 3 bedroom home and can be sure that I use all 3 of those closets to the fullest advantage. No, I'm super materialistic where I've filled up all 3 with clothes but I did notice when digging out my holiday decorations from the guest room closet that it was time for some of this stuff to hit the road.

Tossing out clothing and shoes, books and cook wear (no, I don't store my cook wear in the closet), exercise balls, etc into boxes for whichever charity group that is trolling my neighborhood the next time got me to thinking, why stop with just clothes and household items? So I started cleaning out my jeep. For some of you, this is a shocker, not only because my close friends know how much I hate to be domestic but I also rarely like to clean let alone keep my true love, The Mr., orderly. Honestly, its a jeep, its supposed to be in charming disarray right?

Due to a lack of knowing when enough is enough, I felt there was something else I needed to cleanse, to purge but what else could it be? I'd started throwing out old receipts, got my tax papers together, what else? Oh yes, what about my darling and yet hateful little piece of plastic that I tow around with me everywhere I go?

Whipping out my cell phone I started going through my contact list. I discovered I still have Simon's vet number in my contact list. He passed away in 2007 :(  Doing more digging, I have to ask myself, what was I thinking when I got involved with these guys and what did they do that I had to name them in my phone as such?

Crazy Dave No Answer
Do not answer
do not answer jerk off
do not answer 2
do not answer 3
do not answer 4...through 9 (you get the idea)
Garrett guy @ gym
No Commitment Rob
Photographer Kevin
Piece of sh** Travis

I've got some funny ones of friends that if I want to call them I have to remember how I saved them in my contact list. For instance, my buddy Ryan is saved as "Quiet Riot" because when I first met him he seemed really quiet and more low key than the norm and his nick name soon turned to such. Now, I know better but the name stuck. Sorry buddy! :)

So why not purge the random douche bags in the list above (oh and if  you're reading this and see your name on that list, time to get a clue), I could free up so much data space with out these guys right? Wrong! I keep them just like every other guy and girl out there (you know you're one of them!) keep old boyfriends/girlfriends/stalkers in their phones: "screening". To know when NOT to answer, to know which text to not open. To show evidence to the police when you need a restraining order for the number, when the calling doesn't stop after 4 days of consecutive ringing.

To prove a point as to why I keep them, I had a text received from Do Not Answer 3 about a year ago. I have no idea who that guy was anymore but I  know I entered DNA #8 before I moved into my house in 2008. Yup, even the crazies keep my digits.

The cleansing ended with me deleting only a few entries, a company and 2 people I honestly couldn't place, hadn't heard from in the last year and for no reason whatsoever, couldn't link to a single organization or friendship.  Feels good to brush off the old and get yourself some leg room...now, I just need a way to rationalize: donating 3 pairs of gently worn shoes, does that mean I get to replace them 1:1? Or maybe at least 1 new pair for every 3 given away? Hmm.... :)

Stick a Fork in it!

I am either a gluten for punishment or just too darn nice for my own good. Case in point, not once, not twice, not even 3 times of getting stood up did it sway me from suggesting attempt number 4.

About a year ago a friend of mine told me about a website that I could possibly find some great guys that was free (sorry, it makes me feel kinda dirty to pay to meet guys online) so I gave it a go. *Derek, was one that caught my eye so we began talking. A plan to meet at a local sushi place for dinner was set but a few hours beforehand, for reasons I can't recall, he had to postpone.  No big deal, but a few days later nothing was rescheduled and I moved onto another guy (which, someone needs to remind me to share his story!)  Time went on and over the course of 2010, every few months I'd get a random text message from him at 4:00am. Class, what did we learn about random late night texts? Just say no! So I wouldn't answer until the next afternoon to prove a point that I'm not that kinda girl. About a month ago, the text occurred again but at a much more reasonable hour and an open flow of very flirtatious but PG-13 rated texts began.

I decided it was time to meet this kid after a year of foreplay via texting and phone calls. A friend of mine was having a surprise birthday party and I invited him as my date. A no show, his text around 11pm said he'd fallen asleep and wasn't going to make it. Boo! I told him no big deal, the DJ was mixing up great tunes and he was missing out. BTW, I looked extra hot that night too because one of my gorgeous sorority sisters let me borrow her purple top. Missed connection #2.

Giving it another whirl, Tuesday I told him that I'd be at a local bar in Tempe at 6:30pm and if he "knew anyone interested in a hot redhead hint hint" he should be there to join me. The following are the text messages:
Derek: Well...I'll try to make it on Thursday night
Me: try? hm....
Derek: lol Would you rather I reply OMG! I am so excited I'll be there an hour early! :)
Me: I'd settle for "see you then" but then again, I'm easy to please
Derek: lol, Ok
*Feeling roughly 75% sure he'd show this time.

Wednesday afternoon, thinking Thursday might be a recipe for disaster, I text him to see if maybe that evening would work out better. After a hullabaloo of figuring out Wednesday night was good, I told him I'd be done at the gym by 7:30ish and I'd text him when I was done.

Me 7:00pm: "got done early, wrapping it up. where should i meet you?"  No response
Me 7:20pm: "got done early, wrapping it up. where should i meet you?"  No response
Me 8:00pm: "guess you're busy tonight" No response
Derek 8:35pm: "sorry, i laid down to watch some tv and fell asleep"
Me 8:50pm: "good night"
Derek 8:52pm: "you're mad aren't you? i'm sorry, you still going to be there tomorrow night?"
Me 8:59pm: "i'll be there but honestly, you've fallen asleep twice on me now so...not really worth getting mad over right? :)"
Derek 9:01pm: "i'll be there tomorrow for sure"
Missed connection #3

Thursday, big night! Savvy top, black pencil skirt and yes, I might have an athletic boot on my left foot due to a running injury but I paired it with a sexy black knee high patent leather boot. I screamed fierce without uttering a sound. 5:15pm a text exchange on who else had I invited to drinks and dinner because he wanted to invite some of his buddies. Say what brotha!? Regroup, somehow he thinks because of my social butterfly status that I couldn't possibly want to just dedicate an entire evening to just him? I figured what the heck, told him to invite anyone he wants but I hadn't planned on inviting anyone else. I called my girl Rachel and like the angel she is, comes to meet me just in case he's a no-show. 6:45pm rolls around and long story short, via text messaging because we're children and can't pick up the phone apparently, the following dialog occurs. FYI, at this point I was working on #2 of my new favorite drink, vodka grapefruit because I'd gotten to bar at 6:15pm for our 6:30pm date:

Derek: so my roommate just got home and now he doesn't want to go
Me: And?
Derek: how long are u & ur friend going to be there?
Me: Depends, i get the feeling you're not super interested so...no worries theres some hotties here as plan b :)  (so I'm a snot but the charm of this guy has completely been lost on me at this point)
Derek: I am though. I'm just not a fan of {said bar} at 7pm. Lol
Me: in the future, suggestions are always helpful. have fun tonight with the roomie :)  (giving him back an equal brush off and that I'm going to have more fun than he will tonight)
Derek: What do they have going on tonight?
Me: table dancing and 1/2 price apps. k, i'm on a date with rachel now so....talk to you later gator :)  (ok so there wasn't really table dancing but he didn't need to know that)
Derek: Wow....ok,  have fun
(2.5  hours later) Me: I had so much fun tonight! thanks for the suggestion to invite a friend :) have a great night!

Bitchy? Childish? Proving a point? Alex, I'll take D, all of the above for $400 please! God bless great friends (and last night's waiter) to support you when you're literally being too idiotic for your own good. A friend of mine reminded me that if a guy was really interested, he'd move mountains to come meet you and I believe that to be true. Why is it that we hold our close friends to such a high standard and yet, when it comes to potential mates, we allow such low standards and give second, third chances much faster than our BFF's?

Stick a fork in this kid, cause I'm done with playing nice! I should know better than to give so many chances (I should take some of my own advice) but I am pretty confident that this will close the chapter on Derek and his shenanigans. Besides, since this morning I've already met a new guy with much better potential and not such a flake like Derek. Keeping it hopeful that this new one won't be showing up in the blog :)

*Changed name for his safety

Last Names and Cross Streets

**Guest Blogger Rachel L.: An important lesson that we shouldn't ever forget. Enjoy!**

As Monson already previously touched on, safety is key when dating. Whether you met the person at a bar, online, a set up from a family member, wherever—it is crucial that you take precautions to make sure that your ass is covered (recovered?) if you go missing.

As part of my own personal safety procedures, I always text my bestie (Rach) to let her know where I’m going and who I’m going with. This is usually just a quick text right before I leave that says “Hey, I’m meeting so-and-so at whatever location.” I try to give first name last name and I tried to be specific about what place. Give cross streets and name. It’s usually followed by “if I go missing, start there.” Gotta have my bases covered, ya know? Same goes if the date progresses and we go somewhere else. I try to let her know where and also let her know if it is going well or not!

Just recently I met a guy at a casino. The casino is a pretty cool place to meet a guy if I do say so myself.  If your single and haven’t tried it yet you should! My friends and I just happened to sit next to him and I was pretty tipsy so I immediately struck up a conversation with him because I thought he was cute. I find out his name, we chat and laugh, we’re getting to know each other while I lose all my money and he makes like $500. Apparently his luck turned around right when I sat down next to him. Convenient for me. The night ended well (and by night I obviously mean day since we met at like 5 AM and he needed to take off at like 10 AM). We held hands a little, he got my number and we parted ways.

He told me he’d text me and I told him flat out, “If I don’t hear from you I’m going to be mad. And no 3-day bullshit, I’m not a fan of that.” I heard from him the same day. Sometimes direct and to the point can really pay off.

All Saturday night, All Sunday day and night, and all day Monday we’re texting and IM’ing on Google chat non-stop. It was the easiest time that I’ve ever had trying to get to know someone in such a short period of time. Espeically considering that text and IM are generally not the best way to have a conversation.

Tuesday after texting a bunch throughout the day he tells me out of the blue that him and some friends are going to the Casino. They should be there at like 10 PM and that I should meet them. I’m in. I get ready and send Rach a text saying “hey, I’m going to the casino with so-and-so (first name last name) if I go missing start there.” I go to the casino, hang out for a couple hours, get a smooch goodnight (ok, a couple smooches) and head home. On my way home I text Rach to let her now I’m still alive and on my way home.

The following day I get up to go to work. I’m a bit tired from going to the casino, but whatever, if it works out with him the lack of sleep will all be worth it. In my rush to get to work I accidently forget my cell phone at home. I forget my phone pretty frequently. At least once a month, so this isn’t completely unheard of. I debate going home to get it, but I’m so far behind at work I decide not to.

I left the house at 8:15 that morning and didn’t get home until 8:30 PM. When I finally get home, what do I find on my phone? A text from Rach asking about the date, followed by a voicemail from a very concerned Rach asking why I never texted her back and that she thought I was safely on my way home the night before, followed by another voicemail from Monson concerned because Rach was concerned.

Of course I immediately call both Rach and Monson to let them know that I’m fine other than the fact that I left my cell at home over the course of a 12 hour work day. Rach texts me back after not answering my call and says that she was literally in her car on the way to my place. I talk on the phone with Monson and she says that she was in my apartment complex trying to find my apartment. I let them know that they can call off the hounds! Eesh – forgetting my cell had repercussions I wasn’t prepared for.

It’s nice to know that if I were to really go missing I’d have panicked friends trying to beat down my door. Good thing Rach has my spare key though, I’d like to get my deposit back.

Moral(s) of the story? 1. Always be safe when dating new people. 2. Have really good friends, and do what it takes to make sure that they stay you’re really good friends. 3. Don’t forget your cell phone at home. Or if you do, take a quick break to go back and get it.

--Monson’s Equally Hopeful Friend, Rachel

Captain Obvious and the "Hot Italian"

Cruising along the cyber superhighway, I ran across this guy (message posted below). Wow! I have to give him kudos for his directness, its refreshing that he's being upfront on what he's looking for. I also have to stop and ask myself to look behind the message this hot nyc italian guy posted to see what he's really saying from a female's perspective. *Read his posting (minus his picture for his safety), then come back and start here.* Keep in mind, this is about 45% of the men I'm personally running across online.

 

First, he's an Italian male who is in need of a woman with big boobs. Duh right? Did he mention he was hot? Yup, so either he is good looking or his ego is bigger than the Blue Banana.  Age and location, relevant and yes, he addresses his note to the "ladies" although, how many actual ladies would respond to this note based on the title alone?

 

Requirements! Requirements! Must not be a prostitute cause he will never pay for sex...Not to be Captain Obvious here but, isn't investing in a dinner, a movie or just in a relationship kind of fall into that category as paying for sex? Or is it just a form of bartering?

 

He's too good looking in case you missed his post title. Not just good looking but "too" good looking. Theres apparently a huge difference. Additionally he doesn't know how to use proper grammar or punctuation (yes I throw stones in  glass houses but I do it cause I'm lazy, not ignorant).

 

He's a sophisticated hot Italian that needs his "lady" to not be over the age of 43. Lets do some math here, if he's 32 and his cut off is 43, how do you arrive at this stopping point? I mean 11 years, really? Are we no longer ladies after the age of 43?

 

Make sure she's got herself a good job (not a bad one) and her own car and house.  This is because he may be hot, but he needs his lady to come and pick him up for dates and let him crash at her house.  Gold diggers with big boobs will not succeed with this piece of hot man meat because remember, he needs to be staying at your place.

 

No drama-rama ladies! He put his foot down and means it! In exchange, you have to love sex.  Lets circle back to that prostitution item we touched on earlier. This is the pot calling the kettle black.

 

So I wonder, if a beautiful lady with big boobs, good body, not a prostitute, under 43 with a good job, own car and house and not into drama or digging for gold and super into sex responded, but one hang up....she had short hair...is that a deal breaker? I am half tempted to respond to this guy just to find out. :)

 

Beware ladies, this guy has several postings out there (Oh no! Apparently Mrs. Right hasn't found him yet)! Every girl has some standards and they are never "too" low to hit this guy up.

 

 

 

hot nyc italian guy looking for a beautiful women with big boobs - 32 (chandler)

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Date: 2011-02-07, 1:44PM MST

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Hey ladies I have to be blunt here and say exactly what I am looking for in a woman..must have big boobs long hair good body..must not be a prostitute I will never pay for sex!! Too good looking for that..must not be over 43 have a good job and her own car and house..no gold diggers!!no drama..must love sex!!

Mumbles Says What? Part II

We last left off with our friend Mumbles and I headed into date #2 of BBQ and concert, fireworks at the end of the night promising that everything romantic was about to come our way. Fate has a sense of humor if you ask me.
Its 4th of July and since we are headed into a long day/evening date I suggested we meet at a grocery store near the BBQ and we'd carpool to the party together (he didn't know the area well). As etiquette indicates, when you attend a summer BBQ you bring with you either a side and/or festive beverage of choice to share with others. I choose the usual bottle of vodka and tonic water. Mumbles came with and at the check out they asked for identification (because of course I do look too young to be of age right? lol)  I hand over my i.d. and the gal waits for his as well. He left his wallet in the car because I was driving and didn't see the need to bring it, plus remember, he doesn't drink so his realm of knowledge for those that do is slightly inhibited.  She can not sell me the vodka without proof of his age because we are together. I leave with the tonic water and some ice feeling like a schmuck.

Needless to say there were some broken hearts when I arrived without the vodka but we overcame this bump in the road and soon burgers were flipped, splashing in the pool and laughter filled the air. I had introduced my date to the entire party, sat with him, engaged him in conversation, bringing others in to make him feel part of the group (I challenge anyone to find a better rusher than me!) It wasn't just me that had a hard time hearing him, my friends couldn't hear him either.  Practically pulling teeth, he just wasn't into it so I decided that maybe if I invited him to swim with me it'd loosen him up.  Come on, girls half naked in the pool, what guy wouldn't want that?! You guessed it, no dice. He at least knew to bring swim trunks but was happy sitting in the incredibly scorching hot July sun so that is where I left him. Sorry, redheads, fair skin...we need to do what we can to stay out of the sunshine, don't ask me why I live in Arizona.

Soon it was time to leave for the show which was about 30 minute drive up north and he knows "a short cut". We had a couple following us in their car and thank goodness I had printed out directions as a back up because Mumbles had us going to New Mexico, not Fort McDowell casino. Its about at this juncture I'm a little confused as to why I thought a second date would save this tryst. Arriving just as the sun is going down we meet up with the 3rd couple, enter and find fantastic seats. Rick came on stage and the crowd goes bananas! During "Jessie's Girl" Rick comes out into the crowd and literally sings to me from 6ft away, I about died when he winked at me! Our group is up and dancing, singing songs except, you guessed it, Mumbles is sitting quietly in his chair staring off into outer space. Hello McFly? Rick Springfield...6ft away...anyone home? 

After the concert the casino put on a dazzling show of fireworks played to sexy soothing music, not once did he try to hold my hand even though it was incredibly romantic. We had planned to return to the BBQ but gosh, unfortunately I was just exhausted and maybe I should take him back to his car? On the way back I asked him how he liked the concert, he said he'd never heard of Rick Springfield but thought he was pretty good. WTF?! About 5 minutes after I dropped him off I got that bottle of vodka and headed back to the BBQ and spent the rest of the evening with my friends for the holiday. Shallow? Selfish? Call me what you want but you know as well as I do that I needed some comfort with friendly faces after that disaster.

I asked for a 2nd chance and I got it. Sometimes a first impression is just as awesome as the second impression. Mumbles, I hope you are having a blast wherever you are!

Mumbles Says What? Part I

First impressions, we've all experienced great ones and ones that make you cringe and want to run for the hills. I was engaged in the two step dance of what I had hoped was going to be fantastic but left me questioning my own standards by the end of the experience.

I was 27 at the time and I had met Shawn in the summer.  Funny, sweet, made me feel at ease plus he was employed and didn't live in his parents basement. Score!  A few phone calls later, we decided our first date would be at a nice little Italian spot. When I walked in, thats when I realized it was fathers day (Don't worry, I did telephone my dad afterwards with father's day wishes).  Spotted Shawn in the lobby, he was similar to his picture, about an entire foot shorter than he indicated but so what, thats just a physical thing, its whats on the inside that counts. The place was so packed, noisy with lots of rug rats running around. Hey, don't get me wrong, I love kids! But on a first date, its makes it hard to flirt with 2 little ones at the next table picking their nose and flinging spaghetti all over God's creation (including our table). We sat, ordered and began chatting about what-not...I soon realized that yes, it was pretty loud in the restaurant but with my supersonic hearing, I was still having a difficult time hearing him. At that point he was forever going to be named "Mumbles".  I chalked this up to possibly being nervous, I was too, so when my vodka tonic arrived and his soda (he neglected to tell me he didn't drink alcohol) I took it with happiness, at least I didn't have to feign interest to my glass, it doesn't talk.

40 excruciating minutes later our food arrives and I've lost count how many times I've said "what was that?" Another vodka tonic down and only catching every 3rd word I've decided we need a re-do. I had gotten some tickets to see Rick Springfield for a concert on the 4th of July and beforehand, there was going to be a BBQ at a friends place, would he like to attend as my date? He perked up at the idea. Whew! A chance to relax and the first date jitters would be gone and just in case, something with some musical stimulation for back up.

When the check came he suggested we split it. Women's lib what?! I'm all for that but at least let ME offer to split and keep the social etiquette in check! I've even been known to pay the entire meal before so lets just say I was caught off guard. Leaving I told him I'd call him with the details for the BBQ and concert, followed up with an awkward hug goodbye. Yes, definitely a do-over was needed...boy did I get one!

Part II in the saga of "Mumbles Says What" on its way...