The Dirty Dozen of Winter's Bad Habits

Winter is the time of year where we start to bundle up in sweaters and scarves, break out the wool socks and the idea of cozying up under a warm blanket sounds better than sliced bread.  This is also the time of year where we recognize how thankful we are for the gifts that life has brought into our lives. Honestly, this should be a daily thing year round but we are human, we have our good and bad habits and they crop up on us when we least expect them to.

For me, winter is where some of my own bad habits crop up like allowing my sweet tooth to dictate my palate, putting off my workout just one more day, and the ex's start creeping out of the wood work just to say "hi". Whether it was via text, email or social media, these ex's, aka "bad habits" emerged slowly then came on like gang busters starting around mid-October. Mind you, each of these individuals are an "ex" for a reason and all have been made clear that I'm the girl looking for the lifetime commitment, not a good-time-girl at their beck and call. I wish I was exaggerating when I say in the span of 14 days, TWELVE bad habits resurfaced, but then I'd be lying. Twelve. Twelve! I shake my head just thinking about it, how is it possible that 12, lets call them "life lessons" decide that hey, I should look that girl up, I wonder if she's still single?

Pompous of me to assume this? Well yes, after the first one or two "Hey sexy, how r u?" messages I'd even be skeptical.  After two weeks and twelve different "bad habits" resurfacing with their own version of the same message, some I hadn't heard from for months, some after years of no word, I'd say there was a bigger picture going on here. What could it possibly be, what was triggering this activity all at the same time? The picture was blurry to me, but I knew there had to be a reason like a magnetic shift in the poles or global warming? With the first few messages from these men, I moved through a series of thoughts, one of hope that one of my ex's might want to honestly rekindle our relationship to skepticism of why now, whats causing all this attention? A few cozy winter days of this 14 day journey soon revealed their true intentions as bad habits eventually do. Various levels of loneliness, life crisis, offers of sex without strings attached and yes, even one offer to father a child with me because that's been on his bucket list--to as he put it "knock up a red head". Oh bad habits, how absolutely poetic you can be, and so classy too!

Listening to a local jewelry store commercial one afternoon, the reason to "the why" hit me like a ton of bricks!  Its winter, its time to spend the holidays with the one you love, cozy in front of a fire with a bottle of wine and some Marvin Gaye...or drinks with friends and family, those you hold dear to celebrate the year's accomplishments and give a kiss to someone special at midnight New Years Eve.  But, if you're single, you feel your singleness amplified by 1000 and even more so when your relatives set you up on blind dates with a friend they know you'll "just absolutely love!"  There is no cure for singleness, its not a disease or cancer, its just a status like a political view or gender so when it occurred to me that these 12 lonely, misguided hearts that I was viewing as bad habits, well, they were just feeling that amplification of being single. How absolutely pompous of me to look upon them with pity when I had that realization. Commonsense told me I was onto something, that blurred bigger picture was coming into focus and so the ginger in me decided to do some experimentation to see if my theory was correct. Of the bad habits that I hadn't already dropped from the 12, (because lets be honest, kicking a bad habit is a healthy thing to do), two were left that I knew would be absolutely honest if I called their bluff to go out again.

Scott*, who turned out had gotten married since we'd last talked, was in the process of a divorce, with a young child in the mix. When posed with the proposition of several dates and a reminder that I was looking for a substantial man of character to welcome into my life for a relationship, he admitted that he wasn't looking for anything long term, just someone fun to be with and keep the bed sheets warm. Tim* admitted that he'd moved to California and now that he was back, was tired of the bar scene and didn't have time to date but remembered what a great time he and I had. Further investigation yielded that although Tim remembered that I was looking for a relationship, he had hoped that I had changed my mind and wouldn't mind going out with him anyways? Oh and yes, he did recall having a great time dating me the whole 2 dates we went out on, he couldn't remember what I looked like and could I send him a photo to refresh his memory? Again, poetic and classy.

So what is the take away from all this? First of all, don't ever underestimate the power of loneliness, it will be the reason why your ex's hang onto your phone or email address years after you've moved on from them. They will try to creep back into your life, do not let them!  They are ex's for a reason and if you need a reminder, write down those reasons somewhere handy so when they slither back in with smooth talk, you'll remember why and drop them faster than 3rd period French class! Secondly, its wonderful to know that when I'm going out with bad habits, and yes this will sound extremely shallow but I'll admit flattering, to know they remember the good times they had with me. This just further boosts my ego that I may be shallow, but super awesome lol (totally kidding, sort of).  Thirdly, the holidays will usually stir up those old feelings of lust and lust can sometimes be disguised as love and desire, do not mix the two up! Lust takes its directives from below the belt, love takes its directives from above the belt. You need to choose who you spend your time with, a habit that is worth your time or a bad habit that hits below the belt?  Last, its the holidays, if you have a single friend, do them a favor, just invite them over for a drink or a home cooked meal. Let them tell you about the woes of being single so they can get it off their chest and then reassure them not that they will find someone one day but that they are so much better off without their bad habits in their life. Sometimes, that is the best gift to be thankful for all year long if it means you're happy, and you don't have bad habits hanging around, making you miserable. You know that kiss on New Years Eve won't be as sweet when you touch the lips of a bad habit!

My wish for each of you, stay happy, stay healthy and stay safe! May 2015 be as incredible for you as all the wonderful gifts life can bring and may you find a slice of joy to carve out for your very own as you know, single or taken, you deserve all that life has to offer! Cheers to a Happy New Year!  Until next time....

Optimistically Yours, a Hopeful Girl

Cheers to you and yours!

PS: Please be safe this holiday! You can't read the next installment if you're laying in a ditch somewhere and trust me, its a good one! Some great reminders for New Years Eve: 

* Get a designated driver or be the DD yourself! 

* Uber, taxi or even your mom can drive you as long as you're not drinking and behind the wheel, whatever it takes right? 

* Sleep on the sofa of your friend's house (but offer to make breakfast as a thank you the next morning). 

* Intoxication loses its luster the minute you turn green--don't be "that girl" or "that guy" that turns green all over the hor's devours.

* If you didn't pour it, don't drink it, never know what hypnotic goodies someone could slip you. 

* Fireworks and stupidity do not mix. Have a responsible adult handling the pyrotechnics or you might earn yourself a trip to the ER and a great story on how you lost a finger. 

* Commonsense, above all, the best safety tip. If your gut says "not a great idea" listen to it. Don't hurt its feelings by ignoring it--could mean the difference between a great night and a miserable, bad habit kinda night.  Happy New Years Campers!

No Flip Flops - Part 2

As promised, part 2 of No Flip-Flops....

After an incredible first date with John and another one set for the future, I'm on cloud 9! Three days after the date I get a phone call from my father, "So where'd he take you? And you're not dead right?" I told my father he was a crack shot investigator waiting three days to check on me after a blind internet date came to the house to pick me up and take me out on a mystery evening. At least I know the time frame for how long it'd take for someone to discover I'd gone missing right?

Date #2 consisted of Monday night football at a local dive bar, my Seattle Seahawks v. his Greenbay Packers. As game day grew near, I get a text message from him that he'd gotten the dates mixed up and the two teams weren't playing for another month, what if we did something else? Sure, so plan B was to head out for happy hour at a local Mexican spot after work. I'm dressed in my work clothes which if its good enough for the business world, figured it'd be good enough for a second date right? Nope, he kept insisting I go home and change then come over to his place (apparently side stepping the Mexican restaurant). I politely declined, by the time I got off work, changed clothes and headed his direction it wouldn't be happy hour any more. Plus, personally I liked my outfit that day, I looked good, why waste a good outfit?

I arrived at the happy hour location, no John, no cars in the lot and the place was dark inside. Being the resourceful girl scout that I am, I ventured across the street to a strip mall to find a plan C location, an Italian spot that boasted lots of happiness and open tables. Arriving late, John declined and said it wasn't a good spot, so plan D, a sushi spot that looked a little questionable was our final destination. At this point I was starving and just wanted to spend time with him and didn't really care where we were as long as we were together.

Walking into the last 10 minutes of happy hour, we order a round of Saki bombs. Although John was younger than me, I got carded, he didn't. The waitress walks away, his mouth hanging open in disbelief, I giggled.  Sushi, a 2nd round of bombs and 2 hours later, John wants to head to the movies but doesn't know which movie he wants to see. After 30 mins of debate on not so much the movie to watch but rather the theater, he decides the one he wants to go to is 2.5 miles further east from us v. the one I suggested which was only 2 miles away and west. By the time the check came, no decision was made and we just sat there talking. Why is the discussion regarding the theater important? His logical reasoning to go to the eastern most theater was it was in his neighborhood and closer to his home, making his commute just a few minutes. I was already 25 mins away from home, what was another 5 minutes for me? (Yes I was a little miffed but hey, he was a great guy so I let it go and agreed to the theater further away.)

John grabbed the check, playing with it for the next 30 mins as we continued to sit and talk, I'm asking him questions about his children and letting him know that I value the important role they play in his life. At this point now though, we've missed the beginning of the movie and it is now pushed off for another evening, I excuse myself to the ladies room, figuring he'd wanted to pay the check while I was powdering my nose. Returning to the table I see no, he's still playing with it but its not paid, ok, hint taken. Either he wants me to pay for it, or offer to split it but doesn't know how to broach the subject?  He excuses himself to the restroom so I make the executive decision and paid the check.  It was the least I could do, he planned such a great first date, why not try to show my investment in the budding relationship as well? Its not a woman's lib thing, its just a common courtesy and maybe he didn't anticipate the bill amount? I could not have been more wrong! Look on his face upon his return, it was as if I'd just stolen his man card, but he said thank you and sat down to finish his beer.

As we made plans for another date, with a more solid time table and movie theater location, discussion evolved into my volunteering. John asked me more about it and I was happy to oblige with my answer, when you're passionate about something, its easy to share! I explained that I enjoy working with the ladies that I do, the philanthropic opportunities it provides and the development of a larger purpose by investing in the personal growth of each woman. He smiled and said he thought it was so great that I had a group to volunteer with, that he could tell it made me happy. I couldn't believe it, a guy that seemed supportive of my volunteering instead of calling me an airhead or belittling the fact that I enjoy working with incredible women. Score! A long kiss good night and I was headed home with the thought that this great guy, who seems supportive of my volunteering, shows me that he likes to be a man and plan things but is ok if I take the wheel if needed and still give me a toe curling kiss at the end of the evening!

24 hours later, toes have uncurled, sadly I've got a sore throat and had to stay home from work, come to find out that John's kids have been home sick. Lesson learned here, sometimes boys have cooties....meh, it was worth it! Date #3 had to be postponed until I was better. He checked in on me throughout the week which was so sweet and as I got better, he asked if I wanted to hangout again, yes of course I did! I had already made plans for volunteering later that week but I'd figure something out. Then this happened:

John: recruitment for brownie scouts? :)
Me: for my sorority
John: Ah ha! You're still helping with that?
Me: Still? Its a lifetime commitment lol. Thats like me saying to you "oh your kids...you're still doing that?" :)
John: Thats cool that you're that hard core into it
Me: Thats cool that you're hardcore into being a dad :)
John: you're being a little defensive don't you think?
Me: Defensive? Not at all :) I'm happy to let you know that when something I'm dedicated and passionate about is important to me, its easier to explain that by putting it in terms that makes sense to others who might not understand that dedication. I'm guessing its not something you're  interested in so I'm making a mental note to keep my related activities to volunteering to myself. Easy peasy :)
John: I said it was cool that you were hard core into it.  Not that you were a geek. For you to pit against someone else's child bearing is a bit much.

(I don't respond, 20 minutes go by)

John: Ask someone else who's close to you who might know about both subjects equally and see what they have to say. I'd guarantee you that you had said this to most any woman instead of me? Shed find your address and have it out with you. Lol
***Did you hear that? Thats the sound of sad ignorance drowning in a pool of knowledge and I still threw him a life preserver because I was still hopeful about this fantastic guy. I wasn't going to let him pick a fight with me.
Me: Actually, of my friends that are both men and women, parents or not, all of them are supportive and especially the ladies that I have in my volunteer group that are ALSO mothers are even more supportive and passionate like me. But I appreciate your perspective and will leave that as the last time I'll mention the subject with you :)
***splashing and thrashing around, he still won't take the life preserver I'm offering of kindness and understanding.

In reality, I was absolutely irritated. Pick me up at my place for a first date even though it was against my personal rule, forget to mention to me until we're already on our first date that his divorce had just become finalized meaning he wasn't single when we'd met online, insist I change out of work clothes for happy hour, get me sick (ok, I take 50% blame on that one), and openly admit that he didn't want to go to a closer movie theater because it wasn't as close to his house and didn't want to drive far...all of this and I was still not phased until my deal breaker came to light, where he showed his true colors about my volunteering. Sorry buddy, but the minute anyone starts to downplay and belittle something I support, is the minute he's introduced to the curb, rump end first!

The conversation was so disappointing and yet incredibly enlightening, to see what a human is capable of to not only rationalize what commonsense tells us are red flags, but to also continue to inspire hope that its just a silly misunderstanding between the two of us.  A few lessons learned in this process that hopefully will be a good take away here as I am optimistic that I'm not the only one that believes in happy endings...1. Do not ignore gut feelings, its a slimy organ inside our bodies but its there to warn us of danger  2. Its ok to step outside your comfort zone, to take a chance on happiness, to let your guard down and allow someone else into your world. Your heart might get broken in the process but it WILL heal   3. If the person you're with is not considerate about the things that are important in your life, you won't ever convince them otherwise and sticking around to "fix" the situation is just not going to go in your favor  4. Anyone is capable of feigning sincerity if it'll get them what they want.  I have since discovered the sincerity shown on our second date was a ploy to have me come over and spend the night at his place. Didn't that trick stop working in the 1980s as a pick-up move? I guess his previous acts of chivalry have an expiration date.  5. Honesty is still one of the sexiest qualities a person can possess and keeping secrets such as your relationship status, your personal health, are things that can potentially negatively affect others. Knock it off, be honest, be safe and no, its never ok to lie or omit the truth when in a relationship with another. All you're doing is dooming the relationship to failure and purposefully causing harm. Don't be a douche bag, be honest (ladies, that goes both ways!)

Truth is, I had a great first date with a man that had great potential and I think we both thought it was going to blossom into something more. In the end, I wasn't willing to compromise my character or what I stand for and he wasn't willing to be a woman that wasn't going to become dramatic when he tried to pick a fight. I still see his profile online, active from time to time since then. I know he's searching and wish him luck and hope he realizes that being in a partnership, really a relationship, means supporting one another, even if its not something you're interested in--if its important to one of you, its important to both of you!

~ Optimistically Yours,
a Hopeful Girl

Wear Something Neon, and No Flip-Flops - Part I

"Lets be honest, can we?" How can one simple question be the trigger to a whole new adventure? Well it did, a new adventure and a fresh perspective on approaching dating that took me by surprise and it was worth a shot to see where it led.  Scrolling through my inbox, a message from John popped up and asked me that question, "Lets be honest, can we? Instead of doing the same song and dance where we chat about nothing important, can you list out your faults? Lets get past the superficial and get real?"  Part of me was a little taken aback and part of me thought, what do I have to lose? I met the guy online, John might not even be his real name and hey, worst case scenario, I never hear from him again. On the plus side, he would know the real me and if he responded, he'd know exactly what he was getting himself into right? So, game on!

I listed my faults, including some tough ones that after putting them out there in real words were a little hard hitting. I tend to put my faith in others very quickly and give them my trust without question which then turns to my disappointment when that trust has been broken. For all the crazy dates I've been on, I don't give up very easily and continue to stay in the game even if the next person does or says something so off the wall that commonsense rationalizes it as another life lesson and move forward. I have alot of shoes and accessories and I might come off as a princess (well I do lets be honest) but thats on the outside, on the inside my character doesn't allow for snobby attitudes. That honesty is one of the highest valued attributes I will give and I expect to be returned and the minute that honesty is not present, I turn and walk away. As a volunteer, I am passionate about the groups and events I support and any man in my life needs to at least respect my philanthropy and volunteering, I'm a packaged deal. He replied!! I won't share his list but it seemed very reasonable and after a week or so of honest discussions we decided to go out on a first date!

About a day or so before the date, I disclosed to him about this blog, thats the kind of honesty I give and expect in return, and with the disclosure, I told him if he wanted to cancel our date after reading it, no hard feelings. I also told him if he didn't want me to write about him all he had to do is say so. Obviously, he didn't tell me no so here we are....About an hour after I told him about the blog, I heard back from him. He was absolutely shocked, couldn't believe the shenanigans and told me he felt like apologizing on behalf of all those nutty guys. He was even more excited to meet me and that he would plan the entire night including picking me up from my house like a man should, and that all I needed to do was "wear something neon and no flip-flops". Intrigued, I relented, any man that was willing to put up with me after being this "real" and he didn't have anything that seemed too out of the ordinary in his footlocker either, just the typical divorced with shared custody of the kids set up, he deserved a bending in the rules to come pick me up.

What a great night! The entire night was planned out, a surprise everywhere we went! Starting with sushi for dinner, conversation flowed easily in person as it did when we first met online. We toasted to each other and some of our great successes we'd had that week, one of which was that his divorce had just gotten finalized 3 days before--Ok, so I guess honesty comes out in different shades of grey, he'd told me when we met that he was already divorced but, potato/pota-to. We head over to a strip mall where an underground glow in the dark indoor putt-putt range was located. The black lights inside turned everything you wore neon and my striped tank top glowed like Roudolph's red nose! We were clearly two of maybe 8 people over the age of 16 but it still was a great time and we showed those teens that we were tough competition! 18 rounds worked up an appetite and he took me to an ice cream parlor where we sat and talked, got adopted by the double date at the table next to us who engaged us in a conversation about DJ Tiesto and started playing some of his mixes on their phones. John and I passed looks at each other, that moment when you realize your date just got hijacked by 4 teenagers, we just laughed and continued on with the evening.

When he took me home, he walked me to my door like a gentleman to make sure I got in ok. Chivalry is not dead and I encourage any man that thinks its too old fashioned to follow it, to go to their local retirement center and get a refresher lesson from someone who courted in the 1950's and 60s, trust me on this one fellas. That sweet, silent but hopeful moment you get when you say good night can go so many ways, theres the "well I had a good time, thank you" followed by a hug, a high five or a handshake (all from personal experience). This will more than likely tell the other person in multiple ways that you had a great night but lets leave it at that. The move I made sent a clear message, "I had a great time tonight, thank you for planning the whole evening, it was absolutely perfect!" and I went in for the hug that turned into a make-out session, right there on my front porch! I am not ashamed to admit that I kissed a boy and I liked it!

Lesson learned here? 1. Chivalry is not dead! Gentlemen, its ok to learn some of those social graces and Ladies, please please please do not discourage these gestures! You can still be an independent woman of today and allow a man to open a door for you.  2. If you take a chance on being the real you and someone doesn't go running for the hills, they are worth your time to get to know better and send a message that you'd like a second date! Get out there and get real, better to be the real you from the very beginning than present a glossy version of yourself. From my experience, not being the real you only creates a relationship built on false pretenses and if you're looking for long term, glossy won't last long.

Message was received and there was another date planned with John on the books the next day and that campers, is for Part II...stay tuned!

~ Optimistically, Yours

Ding-Dong-Ditch Demetri

Pranksters, jesters, creators of shenanigans, these are a breed of people after my own heart because their intent is normally to play and fool someone and then in a jovial way, let the unsuspecting victim in on the on prank. These jolly hearts are often just looking to have some innocent fun, make us giggle and liven up the joint right? Timing is everything though isn't it? Ask any comedian, you can tell a joke one way and get crickets, tell it again with timing, and the audience is roaring with laughter! So when the prankster goes too far, here's how it looked one Sunday night.

Looking forward to a first date with *Demetri, a self proclaimed ginger, we had made plans on a whim after chatting for a few weeks. I discovered we had a lot in common like running, trying to live healthy, movies, music, sports, etc. Plans were set in the morning to meet at a local eatery at 7:00pm for dinner and relaxed conversation. He had eluded drinks at his place to begin with but I stuck firm to my personal rule that first dates ideally should be in a public place for both of our sakes. That suggestion probably should have been my first clue but nope, I'm too slow joe! He didn't give me the vibe that he had another agenda other than looking for someone to date and get to know better, or even just know as friends so it was easily dismissed as a friendly gesture.

He asked for a picture of me so I sent one of me and a friend, from the neck up, we are both at the pool, no make-up, hair is wet but we were smiling and I figured if he likes me at my worst, real life will be even better! The entire afternoon we went back and forth via text, asking each other why we were both single, what we were both looking for specifically, what we did for a living, I guess looking back, none of that came up in our initial chats because we clicked so well it was just the fluff to fill space, we dove right into getting to know one another. I was very clear that I was looking for someone to have a meaningful relationship, to start a family with if I was lucky enough to become a mom and grow together as a couple. Not looking for the "whole 9 yards" but maybe my version of it minus the white picket fence (would clash with my front yard and house color too much lol).

Demetri: Well we same age so get started sooner then later kids are full of it
Me: Lol you must be talking to my family, they tell me the same thing!
Me: Wait! Do you know them? Is this a trap, a set up?
Demetri: I've been sent to spray you and give the gift of life:












Me: Ha, I knew it!

This guy's got jokes! I laughed it off and looked forward to seeing Demetri later that evening. At 6:00pm he tells me he is "poorish" if that mattered, not a "balla" like me. I asked him to explain, because for me, I don't honestly care how much money a person makes as long as their job makes them happy. He had assumed based off of my job title that I was making money hand over fist and that he wasn't in the same financial bracket as myself, which just goes to show, you can't judge a book by its cover, or job title in this case. I assured him that it didn't matter to me what his paycheck was, we were going to have a good time.

7:00pm rolls around and I am at the eatery, he'd requested that we not sit on the patio because of the heat so I got a shady spot inside, and let him know where the table was since I arrived first.  The doors to the place were wide open on all sides so we might as well have been sitting on the patio anyways. 15 mins roll by, he texts me that he can't find me and confirms I'm at the Tempe location. I resend him the text location of where the table is and include my outfit, can't miss me in my yellow skirt, I stood out like a sore thumb lol

Demetri: U w a group or solo?
Me: Yeah, I invited 20 of my closest friends to join us ;) jk, I'm solo
Demetri: lol

After finding me finally, (fyi, he's not a ginger) we each have a beer because although we were meeting for dinner, he already ate, thats why he was running late. Awkward, but moving forward right? We chat about sports, about family, where I discover he has a son. Tells me how horrible his ex is and how she sucks all the money out of him and basically describing this woman who gave life to his child as an ungrateful gold digger. Lightbulb! Apparently there are a lot of horrible women out there that are just trying to mess up every man's life with child support and keeping the father of their child in the picture. (Something tells me that this statement isn't entirely true but its a theme I run across frequently).

Since I'm not her and I just learned of this new aspect of Demetri's life, I know that its not my place to comment either way on that subject of the ex and child support so I just listen and let him talk as he needed. First opening, I change the subject and steer it back towards his work as that seemed to be a lighter topic and he enjoyed discussing it. Enough glasses of water between the two of us and he claims "Well I need to run to the bathroom, too much water" and he chuckles as he walks towards the bathroom. I busy myself with the baseball game on television and realize after awhile, he's not back yet. 15 mins gone might mean he's bearing down or....hmm...ok, another 5 mins I flag down a male waiter to check on him, maybe he's sick? I recall my appendectomy situation (another story for another time) so I felt empathy for him if he was in need of help. The waiter comes back, look on his face tells me somethings wrong "Uh, miss, yeah I hate to tell you this but theres no one in the bathroom". Awesome. So not only did he ditch me, he left me with the check and no word of good bye or even pull a chapter from our pal Herbert from "I'll have a Mr. Wonderful..."

Me: Looks like I just got ditched huh? You wanted to know why I'm single? This is why...I get ditched or stood up. You seemed so much like a cool guy, a stand up guy. Bummed out that I was mistaken.
(Next Morning)
Demetri: Sorry, would've been just sex and felt u didn't want that. Wasn't right
(I do not respond)
Demetri: Morning
Me: (taking a deep breath, might as well rip this off like a bandaide) Sooooooo...ditching me and letting me sit there and be worried that something was wrong was a better choice? lol OK, at least telling me you weren't interested and saying goodbye so I wouldn't worry would have been better than how you made me feel. I truly hope for as much care and compassion you have for your son, and I believe that you do, please on behalf of the rest of us sad fools, don't pass that trick onto him? Imagine how many broken hearts he might cause if he knows its OK for dad to do it, why can't he? I guess you just reminded me how sad my hope is to find someone who will be honest with me. Good luck wherever life takes you.
Demetri: So no orgasm and fun?
Demetri: OK then
Me: Correct,  you did not give me any of that last night but I'm sure someone more worthy for you will be that lucky. Please, please, do me a favor and stop contacting me?
Demetri: OK sorry

True, I was embarrassed that I got ditched, I'm not above admitting that he just wasn't interested but is it asking too much to find out why, if the build up before the date is going so well? Oh the ever elusive "why"! I don't put up fake or out of date photos of myself or communicate any differently in written word than I do in real life. Theres no smoke and mirrors, no false pretences, I'm upfront and honest, don't hide anything because I want someone like me for me, not a version of me that I've constructed out of misdirection. I can tell you there was misdirection from his end, finding out that he had a son he was hiding and an Ex.  He obviously has been hurt by  her so badly that my gut tells me he's not looking for "the whole 9 yards" or anything close to it. My question to the cosmos, or maybe someone reading is, why start to get involved with someone if you know that what they are looking for is NOT what you're looking for?

Lesson to be had from this whole experience? Always bring your wallet and never assume that even if you're a girl, the guy will pay for you. That even wearing a bright color to easily be identified in a large crowd, providing directions and carrying on a good conversation, it still won't always end in a kiss good night. To always remember, even if someone does you wrong, leave that baggage at the door and don't carry it with you on the next date, its not fair to the person that does want to spend time with you. And last but not least, sometimes you will have to ask someone to check the bathroom for you...even to check on a prankster, a jester or a creator of shenanigans that told the joke wrong, and all you're left with is crickets.

Stay well my friends, until next time!

*Name changed to protect the party in question.

Who's the Man? Stan--Wait Who's Stan?

****Originally posted August 2014, updated in purple September 2014 at bottom of post****

Sometimes, a conversation is all you need to really get a good idea on just what you're in for. You can get a vibe of joy, a red flag of "yikes", happiness, sadness, excitement and can really bring some sweetness to the receiver's side. In the dating world, I recently had a conversation with *Stan, a guy that I met online. Instead of writing out a novel, I think the conversation alone paints a good picture. While reading, do yourself a favor and keep notes on which "vibe" you are getting. And now, onto our feature presentation: note that these are verbatim words so please excuse grammar and spelling, its as it appeared in my messages.

Stan: Hi

                                Me: Hello? Who's this?

Stan

Wanna exchange pics

                                Hey Stan, how are you

                                and Beth doing out in CA?

Can I have a picture

                                Stan you're funny. So how's

                                the beach? Are you loving 

                                the job and new area?

I'm not in California

Your thinking of another stan

                               Oh Sorry

                               Wait is this Stan Olson?

                               Ah kid, how are you? The

                               family?

I'm in Phoenix

                              You visiting?

Let's just exchange pics

We never met before

                               Awkward...my bad, sorry I

                               can't place you

                               How'd you get my number?

Maybe on a dating site

                               Lol maybe?

                               That must've been a few months

                               ago at least then

Can I have a picture

yeah

                               Sorry but since I don't remember

                               you obviously and you can't

                               remember where you got my 

                               number, gotta admit that sounds

                               a little hinky. I'm going to have to

                               hold off on sending any photos.

                                Sorry, you don't look familiar :(

U gave me your number off

the internet dating site

                               Oh ok well thanks for the check-in

                               sorry I've been dating a lot this

                               summer so apologies that I don't

                               remember chatting with you.

I would remember u if I 

saw a picture

                               Wait, so you don't remember me either?

                               Lol ok this is super awkward no lol

I know your name is Sarah

Don't remember what u 

look like

                              ***  

Your cute

Wish I got to meet u

                   (some time passes)

What u doing

                                 Working

What area do u live in

                                 **Tempe, why?

Just wondering

My work is in Tempe

                        (next day)

Hi

                     (3 days later) 

Hey

                     (2 days later)

Hey wanna hangout

                                  Stan, sorry but I am not looking

                                  to "hang out". Just being honest.

                                  I do wish you the best!

Show me your tits
                                  No, please remove me from your
                                  contacts.
                      (later that night)
Show me your boobs first
 

Classy. Sooooooo classy.

I did some research after the fact and looked at my old phone that had old text messages in it still, finding the first set of conversation that he and I had starting in April. Immediately my memory was triggered as to why I didn't get a good feeling of Stan the first time. He demanded I send him photos over and over again (counting, in the short time we talked, 27 times) and yes, I'm stunning but I look the same every day, he was asking for photos every day, multiple times a day, he got one photo of me. I quickly developed an uneasy feeling and stopped responding to him. Like clockwork, every 2-3 days he would send a message to me over a 3 week period of "hi", "hey", "Hi", "what are you doing", "send me a pic", "Hey" with zero responses from me. Yes, I did the fade away and I hate that I had to resort to it but in this instance, I think I found a justifiable reason to do it. 

Now you might be thinking, why didn't I just tell him I wasn't interested back in April? If he wasn't listening to me when I told him I wasn't going to send him multiple photos of myself, he wouldn't listen to me if I told him I wasn't interested. Proof in the pudding, 2nd time around shows you his response when I finally did respond and obviously, he didn't listen. And yes, thats not a photo of me, I was testing him to see if he really didn't remember what I looked like, again, proven correct sadly.

Conversations should be 50/50 or somewhat within reason, where there's a strong listening skill set, exploring the topic and getting to know one another's perspective.  Paying attention, trying to remember a few key details such as what a person looks like, or how you know someone before contacting them. These are great tools for being successful in having conversations! It applies to not only the dating world but for the real world work force, making new friends, keeping in touch with family, going through the TSA line at the airport, etc.  Not paying attention at TSA will even risk a full body cavity search, missing your flight and potentially getting on the no-fly list (this is not awesome).  

So take some of these great tools, remember the vibe you might be giving out to others and if they truly aren't involved in the conversation, its ok to not respond until it really becomes necessary. Know yourself, know your limits and also know when to block someone from your phone or if you can't do that, change their id from "Stan" to "Do Not Answer". Good lucky campers!

*To protect Stan's identity, name changed

**To protect the location of where I actually live, I used a different city so he would hit a brick wall if he went looking. 

***Photo found online.

****Updated September 2014****

The above story started out in April 2014 and the last message from Stan was sent on August 4th, 2014. On September 24th, he sent me a message via the dating website I'm on (of which I was confident I'd blocked him but apparently it didn't save).

His message: Hey Sarah I'm Stan nice to meet you. Your very pretty

I sat at my computer, dumbfounded that Stan has once again found me, he's like a bad penny! Now, messaging me as if he was introducing himself for the very first time, that not once but twice in 6 months, the conversations we'd had, numbers exchanged, that none of that had ever happened. What is a little concerning, the photos I've got are exactly the same now as they were back in April with the exception of one new picture I put up in July. Believe me, I called him on it.
                                         Do you remember me?
Did we talk before ?
Did we meet?
                                         Yes, we talked for a very long time
                                         over the summer. Never met in person
                                         because you kept asking me to show
                                         you my boobs and you got mad when
                                         I declined to do so because I didn't feel
                                         comfortable doing that.
I'm sorry can u forgive me
Can we try to hangout again

At some point, theres a point where even the best of patience levels is pushed beyond what is acceptable. The answer is no, there will be no third times the charm and I believe even the guys would agree with me out there, this is a bad, made-for-tv movie where the ending will somehow involve either a trip to the funny farm or at least a restraining order.  Can I forgive him? Absolutely, he's not worth harboring any negative feelings towards and to be honest, how do I know he isn't suffering from short term memory loss? Mental illness and memory loss is no laughing matter and I would not condemn a man who suffered from it.

If you feel so inclined, I encourage you to consider making a donation the Alzheimer's Association in honor of your favorite single guy or gal in the spirit of their plight as they may run across their own version of Stan and will have to, on more than one occasion, need to handle a few bad pennies. Stay happy my campers!

Optimistically Yours,

All Hands on Deck! Reflections of 2 Crew Members

OK guys, this one is definitely more for you than the ladies this time around...

On the Dating Boat that floats on the sea, Daphne, a passenger, crew member and confidante of mine, we have had our share of bumpy, rough waters. Luckily, as work our way up from deck hand to 1st mate, we've been able to spot some of those rough waters to help avoid any extra turbulence.  A first impression is really all that we get meeting new people, rarely a 2nd chance is ever given so you want to make sure your best foot is always put forward and when in doubt, double check with a friend to make sure your best foot really is where it should be. What do I mean by that?

As Daphne and I have been trading war stories about the "men" we've been encountering, a prevalent theme is popping up, and thats that there are too many men and yes, some women, that put the time and effort into their dating profile that might take one to defrost a frozen meal (right Herbert?) Profile photos of men pictured with their wife from their wedding day, now they are divorcing, he's telling us he's ready to get out there! How about the guy who never smiles, you never know if he's really got all his teeth (deal breaker for me if theres some missing). A personal favorite is the guy thats pictured sitting on the toilet, reading the newspaper with his sunglasses on...is it really that bright in the bathroom while you poop to protect your eyes?

Don't get me wrong, every girl has a standard list of things they want their man to possess, sense of humor is one of the big ones, next to employment and no baggage but theres a point when you can hit a wall on humor before you just get creepy.  Here are a few that we've taken from one of the latest, greatest dating apps. Notice their ages as well, you'd think they'd have enough commonsense at this age to know better right? Well...

 

Nothing says unavailable like a profile picture of a guy who's already married

posted on a dating website. Obviously these two guys did not have a friend double check their account before publishing.

 

 

 

Oddly enough, this is a married couple that approached me for a potential polygamy opportunity. I don't judge anyone's personal preferences but if the person you're contacting IS NOT into what you are, please don't reach out, its just awkward and you won't convince them to change their mind. Why would you want them to change their mind anyways?

A group photo from 1987 where its unclear which feathered head is yours, makes it a tough call. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zak, I love his taste in music but I honestly think this is either a joke gone too far or just plain creepy...and who is taking the picture?? Oh dear, really?

As Daphne put it best, a tattoo like this indicates he's made more than a few poor life choices in his day. 

















MJ, a serial killer has better hand writing and looks less scary that you do here, come on man!  This is the equivalent of the Gargamel inviting the Smurfs over for tea and to promise not to cook them in a stew!





Yes gentlemen, I'd like to encourage you to put your best foot forward which means, let the intended audience clearly know what you're looking for, a little about yourself, don't intentionally creep anyone out (ie: if your mother saw your profile would she be proud of you or check you into a psychiatric clinic?) and make sure that you're approaching people that have similar interests. Its ok to smile!

Ladies, you're not off the hook here either! Duck face is the same thing as letting a guy know that you're so 2009 and living in the past of what's sexy. I know I've made the duck face myself (lesson learned) but take it from me, its not sexy and its ok to let this pose go. Pictures of you in lingerie, bathroom selfies in questionable lighting, boobs hanging out, not being honest about what you're looking for, leading a guy on and of course, the favorite "Oh I can change him" attitude when you're meeting a potential mate will only keep you spinning on your hamster wheel. And replying to guys like the above pictured will only get you as far as filing a temporary restraining order because hey, no one wants to get murdered right? Ask yourself the same question "if your mother saw your profile, would she be proud that she took 9 months to cook you her in belly only to have you end up like this?" Yeah, stings a little if you realize you've gotta go change your dating profile now huh?

Lesson to be learned here, if you or the person you're interested in looks like they only put 5 minutes in putting their profile together, chances are thats all he or she will put into really getting to know who you are as a person. No really, don't argue with me on this, its a reality. Also, since we only get 1 first shot at a good first impression, make sure you're putting your best foot forward and only investing in getting to know a person thats done the same in return. If someone is willing to put themselves out there with reasonable information and expectations like you have, chances are that their best foot forward next to your best foot forward will be a great pair to man the deck on the Dating Boat! Who knows, you might find your First Mate after all in the process!

"I'll have a Mr. Wonderful with a side of Gut, Thanks!"

We've all got that friend or group that we trust, we put our entire faith in for guidance and support, so who's to say that one of my biggest sources of support and guidance is not my own gut?  She told me that I should cut my losses, she told me to turn away and not give this guy, we will call him Herbert, another shot even after all the great phone calls and talks we'd had. But lets be real honest here, I'm 36, single and no offers of marriage (well there was one but thats another story), so I decided, against my gut feeling that I should give this a shot.

I asked Herbert if he'd like to go out for drinks and his response was a confession, that he was compelled to tell me and thought it was a deal breaker--I braced myself. Although he was no longer practicing his religion for several years now, he didn't drink and didn't have the desire to, even after walking away from his beliefs. I am by far the last person that would ever judge someone on their religious beliefs or whether they drink alcohol or not, so a quick reassurance that I'm absolutely ok if he was, I was still game. Plans to meet at a local Mexican cantina with a great patio was made for two days later.

Day before the date, a terrific comeback run around the lake after a hiatus from marathon training, my spirit is elated and high when I get a text message, that took it all away.

Herbert: Sorry, but I won't be able to see you tomorrow night.

I've had this text before, the usual brush off that has happened too many times and ends in the typical fade away that people do when they are really not interested. What usually transpires is that the date never gets rescheduled and I never hear from the guy again. So you can imagine how deflated I was to stumble across Herbert, a great guy that I've been getting along with the past few weeks and then all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under me.

Herbert: I was excited to meet u to but also super nervous...its been a hard transition for me after being {religion omitted}most of my life and having a family that is and always will be hard core {religion omitted}. I am confused about who I am and who I want to be..I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

My initial gut feeling tells me "Sarah, run, don't try to nurture this one, its ok to walk away". I respectfully responded: Tell me why meeting me makes you nervous? I'm not judging you based on your religion or your family, its your character thats more important. I'd hope you'd see me in the same light but thats me assuming. I'm sorry you're going through so much, I wish you'd have said something sooner, I was starting to really like you.
Herbert: Can I change my mind...it might not go anywhere but I want to at least meet u and then go from there. I promise I'm not a baby...haha.
(I waited an hour before responding)
Me: Meet me at the bridge by the theater at 6:30, bring a water bottle and comfortable shoes for a walk around the lake with me and the dog. If all you want to do is just meet and its a one time thing, then let me go but if you want more and to foster a friendship, you know where I'll be.
Herbert: Yup, u would be an amazing lawyer, I definitely want to do more than just meet you, see you at 6:30!

Day of date, Herbert was on point for a nice relaxing walk around the lake, where we can get a chance to talk, a place away from any ideas of religion or alcohol...until he broaches the idea that its too humid out for a walk, can we go back to the original plan of the cantina? oh yeah and what time were we meeting again? My Gut: Red Flag! Red Flag! my gut is screaming at me, but I tell her to shut up and I politely respond with the directions and time.

I arrive at 6:30pm, he tells me he's already there wearing a red volcom (whatever that is?) so after a lap around the patio and bar, approaching the only guy wearing anything of red significance sitting alone, I struck out. Quick text to him tells me he's looking for the entrance of the bar outside. I go outside and see him walking up from the direction of the parking lot. He tells me he was inside the bar across the cantina waiting for me (which is the opposite direction) Red Flag! Red Flag! He also doesn't look like his pictures, Red Flag with polka dots!

Cut to sitting at dinner, I ask him about places he normally goes out for dinner with his friends? Whats his favorite restaurant? Herbert: Uh, I dunno. I don't really go out much Me: Oh so you cook at home a lot? Herbert: No not really  Me: So what do you eat? Herbert: Uh... I have a lot of frozen meals I eat. Me: Oh like lean cuisine and hungry man? Herbert: Whats hungry man?

The rest of the conversation steered towards sci-fy shows, Transformers, Planet of the Apes and the rioting of Brazil after they lost in the World Cup finals. I did my best to ask him questions about him, get a chance to know him, his family, his passions. We talked about triathlons and ragnar, I mentioned my blood clot and he reacted like I said I had farted, then went back to talking about himself. I must have struck a nerve when I asked him how often he and his 10 brothers and sisters got together, half of which live in the immediate area because his behavior shifted, defensive almost, combative. I live no where near my family and I chat with at least one of them in one way or another every day. He gets together with them once a month "They live their lives, I live mine". Lets focus on a small tiny detail, if you are part of a large family, thats religion based, and the only person in the family not partaking in that religion, don't you think either way, your family would love you enough to want to spend time with you? If I can show him that his religion and alcohol is not an issue, so we can spend time together, why is it that he's combative about spending time with his family and cutting himself off from them? I'm gonna call a yellow warning card on that one.

The check comes, I offer to split it with him, he declines and as he is signing the bill, I'm mid-sentence asking him more about his family, he cuts me off, stands up and says "It was nice meeting you" and makes a scene as he walks out the door, leaving me alone in the booth, all eyes are on me from the surrounding tables. What the heck just happened?!

A follow up text discussion as I head out to the parking lot:
Me: Uh what just happened, why'd you leave me alone at the table?
Herbert: I almost left b4 we went into the restaurant. U make funny faces and make the conversation super awkward.
Me: I've truly never been so offended, and I've lived with 50 women before! Please remove me from your contacts. You didn't seem like the kind of guy to be so callous but I guess I can't judge a book by its cover.
Herbert: hahaha....Don't worry I wasn't planning on contacting u again. U said several things that were offensive and I didn't want be around someone like that much longer.
Apparently me asking questions about him and getting to know him (isn't that what you're supposed to do on a date?) was offensive, oh and that I pointed out that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were great but that I hope their new movie helps to show children the correct art form, time and use of karate, its not just kicking someone and yelling hi-yah!

So what has Sarah learned here? Several life lessons, starting with "Always trust your gut! She knows what she's talking about and she will forgive you even when you tell her to shut up". That if a guy is wishy washy, can't remember the time or location of a date made and changes his mind 3 times before you even go on the date, he's got bigger issues going on, one of which is being a real man. I confirmed with a trusted source and professional expert in the area of psychology who indicated that all night he was displaying a sociopathic mindset and something deep and bigger going on with him and/or his family. He obviously lied about going to the wrong restaurant and the fact that he got defensive when I asked about his family tells me that I avoided a huge poor life choice by inviting a loose cannon in my life.

What lesson should you walk away from this yourself? Your gut, your 6th sense, whatever support you trust and lean on for good sound advice, never tell her to shut up, she's there for your protection. Carry on campers!