No Flip Flops - Part 2

As promised, part 2 of No Flip-Flops....

After an incredible first date with John and another one set for the future, I'm on cloud 9! Three days after the date I get a phone call from my father, "So where'd he take you? And you're not dead right?" I told my father he was a crack shot investigator waiting three days to check on me after a blind internet date came to the house to pick me up and take me out on a mystery evening. At least I know the time frame for how long it'd take for someone to discover I'd gone missing right?

Date #2 consisted of Monday night football at a local dive bar, my Seattle Seahawks v. his Greenbay Packers. As game day grew near, I get a text message from him that he'd gotten the dates mixed up and the two teams weren't playing for another month, what if we did something else? Sure, so plan B was to head out for happy hour at a local Mexican spot after work. I'm dressed in my work clothes which if its good enough for the business world, figured it'd be good enough for a second date right? Nope, he kept insisting I go home and change then come over to his place (apparently side stepping the Mexican restaurant). I politely declined, by the time I got off work, changed clothes and headed his direction it wouldn't be happy hour any more. Plus, personally I liked my outfit that day, I looked good, why waste a good outfit?

I arrived at the happy hour location, no John, no cars in the lot and the place was dark inside. Being the resourceful girl scout that I am, I ventured across the street to a strip mall to find a plan C location, an Italian spot that boasted lots of happiness and open tables. Arriving late, John declined and said it wasn't a good spot, so plan D, a sushi spot that looked a little questionable was our final destination. At this point I was starving and just wanted to spend time with him and didn't really care where we were as long as we were together.

Walking into the last 10 minutes of happy hour, we order a round of Saki bombs. Although John was younger than me, I got carded, he didn't. The waitress walks away, his mouth hanging open in disbelief, I giggled.  Sushi, a 2nd round of bombs and 2 hours later, John wants to head to the movies but doesn't know which movie he wants to see. After 30 mins of debate on not so much the movie to watch but rather the theater, he decides the one he wants to go to is 2.5 miles further east from us v. the one I suggested which was only 2 miles away and west. By the time the check came, no decision was made and we just sat there talking. Why is the discussion regarding the theater important? His logical reasoning to go to the eastern most theater was it was in his neighborhood and closer to his home, making his commute just a few minutes. I was already 25 mins away from home, what was another 5 minutes for me? (Yes I was a little miffed but hey, he was a great guy so I let it go and agreed to the theater further away.)

John grabbed the check, playing with it for the next 30 mins as we continued to sit and talk, I'm asking him questions about his children and letting him know that I value the important role they play in his life. At this point now though, we've missed the beginning of the movie and it is now pushed off for another evening, I excuse myself to the ladies room, figuring he'd wanted to pay the check while I was powdering my nose. Returning to the table I see no, he's still playing with it but its not paid, ok, hint taken. Either he wants me to pay for it, or offer to split it but doesn't know how to broach the subject?  He excuses himself to the restroom so I make the executive decision and paid the check.  It was the least I could do, he planned such a great first date, why not try to show my investment in the budding relationship as well? Its not a woman's lib thing, its just a common courtesy and maybe he didn't anticipate the bill amount? I could not have been more wrong! Look on his face upon his return, it was as if I'd just stolen his man card, but he said thank you and sat down to finish his beer.

As we made plans for another date, with a more solid time table and movie theater location, discussion evolved into my volunteering. John asked me more about it and I was happy to oblige with my answer, when you're passionate about something, its easy to share! I explained that I enjoy working with the ladies that I do, the philanthropic opportunities it provides and the development of a larger purpose by investing in the personal growth of each woman. He smiled and said he thought it was so great that I had a group to volunteer with, that he could tell it made me happy. I couldn't believe it, a guy that seemed supportive of my volunteering instead of calling me an airhead or belittling the fact that I enjoy working with incredible women. Score! A long kiss good night and I was headed home with the thought that this great guy, who seems supportive of my volunteering, shows me that he likes to be a man and plan things but is ok if I take the wheel if needed and still give me a toe curling kiss at the end of the evening!

24 hours later, toes have uncurled, sadly I've got a sore throat and had to stay home from work, come to find out that John's kids have been home sick. Lesson learned here, sometimes boys have cooties....meh, it was worth it! Date #3 had to be postponed until I was better. He checked in on me throughout the week which was so sweet and as I got better, he asked if I wanted to hangout again, yes of course I did! I had already made plans for volunteering later that week but I'd figure something out. Then this happened:

John: recruitment for brownie scouts? :)
Me: for my sorority
John: Ah ha! You're still helping with that?
Me: Still? Its a lifetime commitment lol. Thats like me saying to you "oh your kids...you're still doing that?" :)
John: Thats cool that you're that hard core into it
Me: Thats cool that you're hardcore into being a dad :)
John: you're being a little defensive don't you think?
Me: Defensive? Not at all :) I'm happy to let you know that when something I'm dedicated and passionate about is important to me, its easier to explain that by putting it in terms that makes sense to others who might not understand that dedication. I'm guessing its not something you're  interested in so I'm making a mental note to keep my related activities to volunteering to myself. Easy peasy :)
John: I said it was cool that you were hard core into it.  Not that you were a geek. For you to pit against someone else's child bearing is a bit much.

(I don't respond, 20 minutes go by)

John: Ask someone else who's close to you who might know about both subjects equally and see what they have to say. I'd guarantee you that you had said this to most any woman instead of me? Shed find your address and have it out with you. Lol
***Did you hear that? Thats the sound of sad ignorance drowning in a pool of knowledge and I still threw him a life preserver because I was still hopeful about this fantastic guy. I wasn't going to let him pick a fight with me.
Me: Actually, of my friends that are both men and women, parents or not, all of them are supportive and especially the ladies that I have in my volunteer group that are ALSO mothers are even more supportive and passionate like me. But I appreciate your perspective and will leave that as the last time I'll mention the subject with you :)
***splashing and thrashing around, he still won't take the life preserver I'm offering of kindness and understanding.

In reality, I was absolutely irritated. Pick me up at my place for a first date even though it was against my personal rule, forget to mention to me until we're already on our first date that his divorce had just become finalized meaning he wasn't single when we'd met online, insist I change out of work clothes for happy hour, get me sick (ok, I take 50% blame on that one), and openly admit that he didn't want to go to a closer movie theater because it wasn't as close to his house and didn't want to drive far...all of this and I was still not phased until my deal breaker came to light, where he showed his true colors about my volunteering. Sorry buddy, but the minute anyone starts to downplay and belittle something I support, is the minute he's introduced to the curb, rump end first!

The conversation was so disappointing and yet incredibly enlightening, to see what a human is capable of to not only rationalize what commonsense tells us are red flags, but to also continue to inspire hope that its just a silly misunderstanding between the two of us.  A few lessons learned in this process that hopefully will be a good take away here as I am optimistic that I'm not the only one that believes in happy endings...1. Do not ignore gut feelings, its a slimy organ inside our bodies but its there to warn us of danger  2. Its ok to step outside your comfort zone, to take a chance on happiness, to let your guard down and allow someone else into your world. Your heart might get broken in the process but it WILL heal   3. If the person you're with is not considerate about the things that are important in your life, you won't ever convince them otherwise and sticking around to "fix" the situation is just not going to go in your favor  4. Anyone is capable of feigning sincerity if it'll get them what they want.  I have since discovered the sincerity shown on our second date was a ploy to have me come over and spend the night at his place. Didn't that trick stop working in the 1980s as a pick-up move? I guess his previous acts of chivalry have an expiration date.  5. Honesty is still one of the sexiest qualities a person can possess and keeping secrets such as your relationship status, your personal health, are things that can potentially negatively affect others. Knock it off, be honest, be safe and no, its never ok to lie or omit the truth when in a relationship with another. All you're doing is dooming the relationship to failure and purposefully causing harm. Don't be a douche bag, be honest (ladies, that goes both ways!)

Truth is, I had a great first date with a man that had great potential and I think we both thought it was going to blossom into something more. In the end, I wasn't willing to compromise my character or what I stand for and he wasn't willing to be a woman that wasn't going to become dramatic when he tried to pick a fight. I still see his profile online, active from time to time since then. I know he's searching and wish him luck and hope he realizes that being in a partnership, really a relationship, means supporting one another, even if its not something you're interested in--if its important to one of you, its important to both of you!

~ Optimistically Yours,
a Hopeful Girl