An A-Fair to Remember

Its October, and after a few weeks I like to re-evaluate my dating situation. The fact that every few weeks I have to do this in the first place is probably enough fodder for another blog but honestly, that sounds exhaustingly ridiculous to over analyze that circus and try to make sense of it all. How about we keep it simple and leave the complexity in my head? The voices in there are pretty great at hashing it out on their own lol

Back to reality, on this last reevaluation, it occurred to me that maybe I'm only attracted to a certain type and maybe stepping outside the box is what I need to do to shake things up? Billy and I began to chat and he definitely had an air of mystery about him. I took a chance to see where it got me....a first date at the fair!  Background on Billy, he is a hipster plain and simple. He plays the drums in a ska band (no idea if its old skool or new skool ska...there is actually a difference!), works construction, mid 30's, doesn't drink, owns his home and has a few different vehicles including a vintage motorcycle that he rebuilt on his own. Think James Dean and you've got him!

Its been a few years since I'd been to the fair due to a few homicides and dead bodies popping up on the fairgrounds. I was excited to not only go once again when it was safe but also with Billy. After postponing our date from 6pm to 7pm because he had to work late, we agreed to meet at a local shopping area so we'd only have to pay for one car parking fee. He drove and so far so good, even opened his truck door for me. Chivalry is not dead! We near the entrance of the parking lot and he thinks $10 is too much so we keep looking for a better spot. We ended up parking (for free) about a mile away under the freeway by a bar he plays at.

Billy: Is this too far?
Me: Uh, yeah a little.

He parks anyway. Its dark, not well lit and we passed a few cagey characters on our walk to the front door of the fair. What was I saying about chivalry?  He pays for my ticket only after I start to get out my wallet. Billy: Oh I got this.
Me: You sure?
Billy: Yeah, I asked you to the fair. Oh I can't wait for fry bread!
Me: Thanks!

We hit the stables first where all the cows, lamas (I got to pet one, very cool!) and the petting zoo area. The next barn was all about the pigs and prize winning roosters along with, and yes its a weird combination but less than 20 feet away from the roosters, live boxing! We sat and watched for less than a minute before he says:
Billy: Oh I'm so hungry for some fry bread!
Me: Do you want to go? We can go now, I just wanted to see a bit of the match. Lets go. 
Billy: Naw, lets stay.
Me: really its ok.
At the end of the round, we left for fry bread. Once we found the stand we ordered our toppings.
Me: Let me get dinner since you paid for our tickets?
Billy: Naw, I got this.
He hands the lady the money, closes his wallet and says to me:
Billy: Well, I'm tapped out. (Um, ok, awkward?!)

After finishing dinner we head over to walk around the fair, see the stands, the people waiting in line for the rides. That night Snoop Dogg was performaning so you can imagine the random mix that showed up that evening. We stumble upon the side show attractions! "Step right up! See the worlds fattest pig! See the worlds largest alligator and smallest horse, no its not a pony!" Sensing that this might be kinda fun, I sprung for our tickets to see these amazing attractions. I'd say it was definitely worth it! We keep moving because Billy wants to see the trains, an attraction that I'm not sure if its permanent or just for the fair but it consists of roughly 5 grown men, locked in a room with windows on 2 sides, operating 5-6 model trains in their model town complete with model scenery and tiny model people. I have to admit, its not something I was looking forward to checking out but I'm glad I did, the detail is amazing! We did however, stay a bit longer than the novelty of it warranted. As we leave, I see a ladies room and excuse myself.
Me: I'll be right back.
Billy: Oh yeah, I need to go to. Will you hold my drink for me?
Me: Uh, ok. (he starts to hand over his drink)
Billy: Oh wait, you can go first, then you can hold my drink.
I was in and out in a flash and when I got back he'd finished his drink and apparently already gone to the bathroom. Less than 5 minutes I was gone!

Billy: Oh man! I want a churro, we should go get one.
Me: Lets go find you one. (I was still really full from dinner and not a fan of eating after 7pm).
We weren't successful with finding churros so he settled on an ice cream sundae. He ate while we searched for the paintings, which he said would be displayed in one of the stadium centers. We never did find it but definitely got a workout looking for it all over the fair. I'd never heard of paintings at the fair, from how he had described it, what you'd find at the Phoenix Art Museum. We did find alot of hemp, patchouli and organically grown home goods and clothing. By this time its roughly 10pm and we head towards the exit. But wait! You are wondering, didn't you ride any rides while you were at the fair? Isn't that the point? Go on the rides, eat deep fat fried oreos and try to win a stuffed bear for your lady? The closest thing we got to the rides is this picture of the ferris wheel: 

                               

On our walk back to the car, past the new group of cagey people I thought to myself, he's a really nice guy and probably nervous but on the other hand, that old saying "opposites attract" just isn't something that works well for this girl. He'd be a great friend but on the chemistry level of hot and heavy romance, I think we both dance to the beat of a different drum. Lesson to all you crazy boys and girls out there, if you try to date your opposite, you never know what you're in for. You can either have a great time or rather let the other person lead you around all night, looking for trains and churros. And never, ever say to someone regardless of the situation (date, work function, vacation) "Well, I'm tapped out". Last I checked, its just not classy.

Spring Cleaning in the Fall

Computers, blackberries, zip drive, iPad, iPhone, I just don't know! Call me old fashioned but with how quickly electronic gadgets keep evolving with the latest and greatest, I kinda miss the old days when people used home phones. Try and find one...chances are you're more likely to win the lottery than find a land line in someones house. I'm a little slow on keeping up with Electronic Jones' but at least I'm trying.

I fought for a long time, a close friend and past roommate can attest, she had to talk me into getting a cell phone. Eventually she won and my first baby step was with her old Nokia which eventually got passed along to my mother. What can I say, we are a recycling family. Long story short, as time went on and I stored numbers of people in my contacts list, I got creative with the naming function. For example, I mark some of good friends: Lady, Hot Sharon, My Nick!, Quiet Riot, Ra R. is Creepy, Trent the PT, etc. It personalizes a special funny memory or recognition of how they are part of my life. For the men....I always marked them appropriately: Travis POF, Original Craig, Kevin the Runner, No Commitment Rob...things that would remind me of which guy he was. Let me drop this nugget of information on you before we move on, I don't juggle men. Its normally either one guy I'm dating (or just go on 1 date) then nothing...so onward to the next one. 

Now that I have a fancy iPhone, I decided that the same contact list that transferred over is the same one I've had for the past 3 years and I couldn't even remember who "Dave the Sailor" was...its time for a spring cleaning! I went through my entire phone list...good grief! There was someone to delete in almost every letter in my directory alphabet! 17 in total got trashed! It felt so good to kick that baggage out! Of course, I ran through the list of "Do not answer #1, Do not answer #2...." theres about 11 of them unfortunately because they are crazy men or heart breakers that well...I had to keep them so I know its them and don't fall into that trap anymore by answering a number I don't recognize. No such thing as blocking these ones...if its taken me until 2011 to get email on my phone....well any more than that is just too advanced for me lol. Plus I figure if I ever run into a real douche bag I could always give them one of these guy's numbers instead of mine right? nah that's horrible! Even I wouldn't really do that but...I'd think about it. :)

So here I am, 17 guys from the past 3 years, gone from my life. Its like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, very liberating! Yes, I do recognize that that's a big number but as a friend pointed out, its roughly only 5.5 men a year. For a single gal...that's probably about right. Moral of the story, you can't move forward if you can't let go of the past, even if you didn't realize you were still wandering around with it in your back pocket!

So, who's got some early spring cleaning to do? :)

Brazen Brett

Evaluating this year as its come to pass, you'd think reading over these blog posts that I'm too picky. I might be, I might also be safe. Why is that? Cause you never know when a guy like *Brett will come along and really "go there".

*Brett is from out of town and apparently I've become a magnet for the "newly arrived to Phoenix". We began chatting and things seemed to be working out well at first. Texting and messaging, figured when he got to the Valley and settled in we could go out for dinner and drinks. Brett is handsome, rugged, Midwestern type. Solid muscles and kind eyes, and yes you shouldn't judge a book by its cover but I couldn't help it, he seems all around a pretty great catch. October was his month to move to Phoenix so near the end of September he was asking me a bit more about places to check out. He started asking me periodically in our chats about my neighborhood, if I was near to the freeway, grocery stores, mall, etc. Kinda random but I am slow when it comes to picking up on things until its right there, sitting in my lap and its too late to do anything about it. I should have known with those questions, something was off.

About a week before his move date he and I are chatting

Me: We could go to Ra in Scottsdale if you like sushi.
Brett: Yeah that sounds good. Have you been to Cocomo Joe's? Is that near you?
Me: No, its about 45 mins from my place.
Brett: Oh ok, what about your neighborhood? Is there someplace close to you?
Me: Yeah but its pretty far for happy hour.
Brett: I could stay with you :)
Me: Stay with me? Like overnight? I don't think thats a good idea since we haven't met in person before.
Brett: Or I could move in with you :)
Brett: I could give you a great massage every night :)
Me: ......
Me: ......
Me: (light bulb goes off) I don't think thats a good idea. I'm not looking for a roommate and I don't invite strangers back to my home I've met off the internet. I'm thinking you're looking for a relationship that I'm not able to provide. I do wish you luck!

Blocked him from contacting me on the website and from chat. I pray to baby Jesus in a tuxedo shirt that he doesn't remember he has my number and tries to text me.

I met this guy off of a dating website...not roommatefinder.com YIKES! I have to ask, what type of person thinks its ok to move in with a complete stranger in another state after meeting them briefly on a dating website? All I saw was the news on the first night he'd moved in "Local Single Girl Murdered by New Roommate" byline: Looking for a date and instead got a crazy roommate. Memorial Services will be held next week".  Honestly it could have gone the other way, I could have been a female serial killer and we'd never hear from him again.

An old and reliable rule of thumb from our childhood days: DO NOT let a stranger into your house!

*Brett is not really his name but its been changed to keep this kid's identity safe, cause at least one of us is bright enough to keep that in mind lol.

GroundHog Day Ray

It happens, sometimes you cruise through these dating websites and many people are on more than just one to increase their odds of finding true love...so sometimes its likely you see the same people over and over again. Maybe you chat with one guy on dating website #1 and forget and start up a chat with him a few months later on website #2 because you remember seeing him but maybe the conversation died out or one of you lost interest or just plain forgot. While reintroducing yourself...maybe the same conversation repeats itself too. Its to be expected right?

How about when you're on a hot streak and you're carrying on conversations with more than one person? Yeah yeah yeah, don't judge...you all know if you've been out there dating that at times theres more than one you're trying on for size, either chatting or having dinner with, whatever floats your boat. I'm not very good at juggling multitudes of men and honestly I try to only talk to one at a time so they are getting 100% of my attention. I figure its only fair right? So when I see the tail-tell signs that theres a guy who is juggling, their behavior is pretty true to the following: asking the same questions over and over, forgetting we discussed a topic that's pretty unique and re-initiating it, take a really long time to answer a simple question either via text or chat, or if they are talking to you and asks a question that is clearly on your profile you gotta wonder "did he just look at my pictures and not read the content?" I got one for ya...Meet Ray.

Ray initiated a chat and it started out pretty simple, apparently he's quite athletic, hails from the Midwest in a small town and we begin with the normal how-do-you-do's. After a few days I noticed he kept firing questions at me like we were in an interview or he was getting these questions off of some "topic/discussion" list. Whats your favorite food? Whats your favorite movie? If you could have one thing in the world what would it be? On and on and on. Of course these questions did the trick, we would have conversations from each question but then it became a little weird because the conversation about my favorite food crept up again. If you know me...its vodka tonic which yes technically is not a food item but if it comes with a lime doesn't that count? So when he asked me yet again, what my favorite food was and I thought my answer was pretty unique to warrant that it'd stick in his mind. Nope.

Then he asked me what kind of clothes I like to wear...more and more random questions so a flag is starting to come up here. Great, another guy who is creepster and compiling some kind of file on me and my likes and dislikes. Great, just great. So I told him a very vague "I dress for the weather, its Arizona". A few days later, asks me the exact same question again and I decide to call him on it.

Me: "You must be talking to quite a few girls because you asked me that already."

Ray: "I used to play football back in high school and college and I got hit in the head alot, sorry".

OK I feel like a jerk but at the same time it does clear up why I keep having the same conversations with the guy and why, before moving to Arizona, was living with his parents still. He needs supervision and something tells me he went onto a dating website to find a local replacement to what he had back home. A very smart move on his part but at the same time, really? I don't want to be a caregiver, I want to date someone and hopefully have a 50/50 relationship. I would have to worry about him getting from place to place, interacting with others, etc. Too stressful in my opinion. I feel bad for the guy but its just not the right way to go about finding your other half. So I try to turn the conversation around, jerk that I am...

Me: "So where did you go to college?"

Ray: "John Carroll"

Me: "Where is that?"

Ray: "Its a university"

Me: "Sorry, what I meant to ask was where is it located geographically?"

another exchange:

Ray: "So whats your ethnicity?"

Me: "Sorry? What do you mean?"

Ray: "What do you look like?"

Me: "Pretty sure the photos on my profile are a good indication. Did you have a chance to look at them?" **Side note, I know you can't look at someone and say they are a certain ethnicity or background but I'm pretty sure I'd never be mistaken for any other group other than Caucasian.

My suggestion is if you get a bad feeling like the person you're talking to isn't remembering alot of what you're saying call them out on it. Either they are juggling too many other potential mates that they can't keep you straight from the rest of the pack or they might have a head injury. Either way, don't dance around it cause it'll get awkward real fast if you do and theres no turning back.

*Ray's real name was changed to protect his own identity although I'm not sure he'd realize it was him I was writing about if he stumbled across this blog.

Kisses and a Waggly Tail

August is almost over and with it, another chapter on summer love has come to a close. Summers in Arizona mean short shorts, scant tank tops (both guys and gals), flip flops and running from one patch of shade to the next for fear you'd burst into flames if your skin was touched by the afternoon sun. Its only 113 today...no big deal right?  Summers also mean that its easy to get light headed if you don't drink enough water, I think I may have gotten a little light headed....

6'4", dark brown hair and handsome *Chris rolled into my universe looking like Ben Affleck with the sweetness of candy all in one. New to the valley, divorced (I checked, it was officially decreed), no kids, employed, no record, has a roommate, non-smoker but social drinker and he fosters with a boxer rescue (hello? so sweet!) Our first date was at the dog park and it couldn't have gone more ridiculous. First, I ended up parking on the absolutely opposite side of the park than where I was supposed to. I was walking around in the dark, alone but on the phone with him until he came and met me halfway.  His foster dog was at first uninterested in me because I didn't have a ball, Frisbee or treat. We finally make it into the dog run area and there were so many people and their dogs running around willy nilly! I loved it! Lots of sniffing, chasing around, wrasslin' and such...not much different than your average night at the bar for people right?  We find ourselves having a good time, talking, getting to know each other, things are going well until...We were talking to the owner of a beautiful mastiff and if you know, these are big, slow moving dogs but gorgeous! A black dog comes up to join the conversation and sniff the mastiff. Dissatisfied with the mastiff, he comes over to me and I start to give loves. I was well trained by Annie, a friend's dog very well in giving scritches.  She'd have me giving her loves and I wouldn't know I was doing it conscientiously until 5-10 mins later lol. The mastiff, he is slow but interested in knowing the black dog more and moves towards us. Black dog, feeling threatened, decides to make sure that all other dogs know that I belong to him now. A warm, wet sensation starts from my knee down into my sneakers. Yup, he peed on me! This can go one of two ways, freak out or get cleaned up...I chose to excuse myself quickly and go rinse my jeans off by the doggie fountain. Chris had no idea what happened but the mastiff's owner saw it all and played it cool. Awesome first impression! lol

Oddly enough he couldn't wait to see me again so the next night Chris and I went for happy hour and a walk around the canal. He's a great kisser! Said that he really liked me and it wasn't scary at all to hear that. He didn't try to make any other moves than kiss me and hold my hand on that night, it was so perfect! I told him about the other guys that had stood me up and he was mortified! I asked him to make me a promise, if he was ever done with me that he'd just be straight and tell me. He shook on it and agreed but said "I'll never be done with you!" *Swoon!* Third date was at his place, he cooked for me and it was delicious! By this time his foster dog is LOVING me, recognized my jeep and wanted to with me on a ride lol. I'm thinking to myself by date 4 that I was glad my gut instinct was right to hide my profile so I wouldn't be on the market anymore. By date 5 he was at my place and hold onto your seats campers...I actually cooked for him this time! Yup, my kitchen has now seen 3 meals in it total for the whole year, that's how much I liked this kid back! We were just so comfortable together, laughed and had great conversation, said he couldn't get enough of my kisses. I even told my parents about him which to tell you the truth, I stopped doing because guys were dropping like flies around me as they revealed their doucheness (hence the blog). At the end of date 7 we made plans to go out for date #8 that following Saturday night and it was a long 4 days to wait for both of us. We talked on the phone, texted all day long and I was so smitten with him that I thought I'd burst, Saturday wasn't coming fast enough. Friday night I knew he was with a buddy watching the game so I sent him a text that he should come over afterwards if he was up for it (it wasn't a bootie call, it was to watch a movie literally). No answer. Saturday comes, "Good morning, so you got plans for tonight? :) " knowing full well they were with me, no response. That's odd because he and his phone are literally never apart. I was going to suggest we stop by a housewarming party a friend was having before we headed out. Instead, I went alone to the party and even got hit on by one of the guests but I indicated that I was sorry, I was not available.

Sunday afternoon it has hit me, Chris isn't going to text me back, he isn't going to call me again and honestly I have no idea what the heck happened in the span of 4 days where all of a sudden, I'm no longer a thought for him. I go to his facebook page (he friend requested me and I ok'd it, again, I was so comfortable that I felt it was ok to share that part of my life with him). I see a post on his wall, Alisha ***** checked herself in at Casey Moore's bar on Saturday night and tagged Chris with her. Funny, that was the place that I had suggested Chris and I go to once the weather cooled down. I see that Sunday morning, she checked in at another location and tagged him with her.  Slap. In. The. Face. I called him right after that and of course, he didn't pick up. I left him a sweet voicemail "Hey, haven't heard from you in awhile, thought we were going to hang out again this weekend but I guess you're busy? Hmm...ok, hint taken. I wish you the best of luck". I wasn't mean, or vindictive just matter of fact like I was leaving a message for my brother. 

Monday night he decides to call me back, said he was sorry, he was just so busy with work all weekend he didn't have a chance to call me back until then. I told him I wasn't understanding why he was calling, did he need anything cause I knew he was with Alisha all weekend and how I'd found out. The jig was up and he knew using work as an excuse wasn't going to hold water. He felt bad, said he was sorry. Said he didn't intend it to happen but he met her after me and they had just clicked. Said he had a great time being with me, I was a really great girl, awesome girl, laid back and so fantastic. My reply "I guess I'm just not fantastic enough if you're choosing her instead". I told him he wasn't off the hook, I wasn't going to say it was ok and that I was so trusting in him, it was too bad I gave him all of my attention and in return only part of his. I made him promise to tell me that if this girl was so great that he better treat her right, he better not do to her what he did to me because that would be horrible to make her feel like I did all weekend. He broke his promise to tell me when he was done with me...maybe he can do better and keep his promise to be kinder to Alisha. Alisha..wherever you are out there, I hope he keeps his promise and I hope you really are as fantastic as he hopes you are too.

Moral of the story: at least I know I can still fall for a guy and be trusting enough to open my kitchen up and when he tosses me aside...I know I've still got my profile that I can unhide and get back in the ring. :) I guess that light headed feeling I had earlier...was probably not that dating high from finding a great guy...but dehydration?

*Name changed to protect the innocent even though the kindness isn't returned.

Chaz and Chester the Jester: A Tale of 2 Class Acts!

Submitted by hottie and guest blogger Ashley M. Thanks to her bravery!

When Ashley sent these to me to share with the class, my mouth literally fell to the floor! Listen, I know not all guys are horrible and full of nonsense but honestly these two are doing everything in their power to prove that they are less than desirable catches. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if you "caught" either of these two...lets just say theres no cream from the pharmacy that can cure you from it lol

Step right up and meet Chaz!

The first one was Chaz, a guy that I had wanted to go out with for awhile. He was finally single, so we went out, but he wanted to go to a dive bar. That should have been the first clue. He then proceeds to tell me that he and his friends go to strip clubs to spit on strippers. Yep! And you are right, there is no answer to that except "Anyway..." So then he gave me $5 and asked me to go get music on the jukebox. So I did. One of the songs I picked was "One" by U2. I LOVE that song. He then proceeded to yell, and I mean actually yell at me in public for picking the band U2 and that nobody likes U2.

Hopeful Girl's Commentary: Oh dear, really Chaz? Reeeeaaallly? I call a 10 yard penalty, holding on the play, offsides and ejection from the game to anyone who claims that nobody likes U2. Pretty sure they are a universally adored band in every country and language this planet has to offer. Now we all know why he was "finally single", the last girl chucked him for being Satan.

Our number one winner of the night? Chester the court Jester!

Chester is the guy I took to my cousin's wedding. My cousin had a wedding reception of 850, and out of all of those people, she remembers my date the most. There was a live Irish band there, but nobody was on the dance floor because we were eating except my date, he was alone on the dance floor dancing to Irish Jig music. My mom turned to me and told me I had to go get my date off the dance floor. He ate food off of stranger's plates and got cut off at the bar after 14 drinks.  Then he threw a bottle of liquor when they wouldn't serve him anymore. On the way home he serenaded me to "Margaritaville" which was nice but then as the song ended he opened the car door, of the moving car, and hawked a lougie out the door!! Since his behavior wasn't entirely crazy enough, he started to rub my head while the song dream weaver played. Confusion on his part because he didn't understand why I gave him a dirty look besides the fact that the hair do he just messed up cost me $75.

Hopeful Girl's Commentary: I wonder if Chester does more than just weddings...this guy is a gem! Imagine how much more fun your baby showers and christenings could be with him at your side! Or how magnificent your graduation or even funeral could be with a class act like him in attendance. Oh Dream Weaver! Or maybe its not a dream, but a nightmare. Yikes batman!

**Chaz and Chester are real people but their names have been kept private due to medical reasons. Just remember, theres no cream for these guys, just a quick run for the hills and maybe a check for $75 for the hair ;)

Introducing Marketing Guru Mr. July!

Have you met Mr. July? Oh let me tell you all about him! Mr. July, lets call him Gilbert*, a man of athletic achievements, soft heart and funny personality. Ladies and gents, this man has it all! Step right up and shake this man's hand! But wait, theres more! If you buy now there are bonus gifts, want to know more?

Gilbert is another online catch, his profile indicates he's in banking, he has a dog (confirmed by an attached photo), into camping, college greek, running (also confirmed by attached photo) and sushi. Hello? Mr. July is just what this girl has been looking for! I have to admit, what caught my eye first were his photos because what girl doesn't fall for a guy who loves dogs or cats? Lets me be honest ladies, we're suckers for the softies.  The proof he was a runner was his second photo, a svelte, lean man running with a strong stride due to his flexed muscles glistening bare chest in the sun, blonde hair flowing in the wind to show his speed. It was like Prefontaine meets drugstore romance novel! I was hooked! Great conversation back and forth about running, goofy stuff, we definitely hit it off.

My first date with Gilbert was supposed to be a local tavern for dinner after a 3 day weekend with my girls. A great build up all weekend was chatting with them about how hunky he was and I definitely got their approval after their review of his profile. No red flags so I figured, if 8 of us were in agreement, this one wasn't going to be a dud like the others. Sunday night I get to our location, I'm on the look out for a hot blond runner. Interestingly enough, thats not who showed up. 

Gilbert has apparently changed appearances since those photos he'd posted. The guy that showed was completely bald and I'd gauge roughly 60-70 lbs heavier. Talk about awkward, Gilbert approaches me and says hello and I didn't recognize him at all, thats how different he appeared! Of course, outer package doesn't indicate whats on the inside so I'm curious to see how the evening turns out. We sit down for dinner and I have to be honest, the cool and confident guy I'd been emailing and texting for 2 weeks prior was not the same guy in person. He was so nervous! Anyone that knows me can attest that I can carry a conversation with a brick wall and honestly Gilbert was making it harder and harder as the evening progressed. I pulled out all the tricks to help him relax, asking him about his family, tell me about your high school prom, how were his plans for moving to a new place going? 1.5 hours later I finally had to check my watch and say "Well I should probably head out, I still haven't unpacked from my trip". This was not a lie and thankfully my laziness comes in handy once in awhile.  I promised myself that a 2nd date was in order, he just wasn't the same guy he'd appeared to be on paper v. real life and I wanted to make sure if it was just nerves that he got another round, regardless of his apparent false advertising.

2 phone calls later that week and our conversations on the phone got even more awkward than our date. I had to call Uncle and just let this one go.

I think I've narrowed a seriously perplexing problem, for me its not meeting men thats my problem, its meeting men of quality...thats the problem. Just remember, although Mr. July may be over...the summer is not, theres more to come campers! Happy dating!

*changed name to protect the not so innocent

Jersey Shore meets the Ohio Fonz

Contributed by guest Blogger and fellow hottie, Ashley M. His name is Mike, he is 37 (keep this in mind as you read, makes it even more awkward)!  Enjoy!

We finalized plans to go out on Wednesday, July 27th.  He offered to come my way since I have a much longer drive to and from work.  Very nice of him to offer, you are correct.  As I do, I recommended we meet at 7:22.  He found the humor in the exact time, and said he may not be able to get there until 7:23, but he would try.  So at 7:15 that night, I get a message that he left AVON LAKE a couple of minutes ago and he won’t be there on time because he is stuck in traffic.

MY THOUGHT: “Well sure, traffic will make you late, but giving yourself about 7 minutes to get from AVON LAKE to STRONGSVILLE is the reason you are going to be late.” *Fact check: it takes roughly 30 minutes to drive this distance without traffic.

While I waited 15 minutes for a table at B Spot, I took my seat and sucked down two Pepsi with Grenadine.  Hey! There is Michael, and it’s only 7:56pm, only late by 34 minutes.  So the slight irritation begins, but that’s OK.

Then the waiter approaches...
Waiter: “What can I get you to drink?”
Mike: “Good to see you my man.  Thank you.”  (FIST BUMP – that caught the waiter off guard and initially the waiter just looked at Mike’s hand confused trying to figure out if Mike was trying to show him something.  Finally the waiter realizes what is going on and fist bumps him back.  While I giggle uncomfortable.)
Waiter: “Something to drink?”
Mike: “You pick. Give me a brewski of your choosing.”
Waiter: “I can’t really do that, in case you don’t like it.”
Mike: “Just bring me your favorite.”
Waiter: “Do you like dark beer or light?”
Mike: “Whatever is fine.”

MY THOUGHTS: “Order a FREAKING (replace with a different word) Beer.”

Waiter returns with drink.  Mike gives him another FREAKING fist bump.

Waiter: “What can I get you to eat?”
I order
Waiter: “And for you?”
Mike: “Whatever is fine.”
Waiter: “I’m sorry?”
Mike: “You pick.”
Waiter: “Well can I have a hint.  Do you want a burger?”
Mike: “Sure.”
Waiter: “How would you like it cooked?”
Mike: “You tell me.”
Waiter: “Will medium work?”
Mike: “Is that how you would eat it?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Mike: “Then sure. Medium.”

When the check comes, Mike leaves a pile of money on the table and goes to the bathroom.

Waiter: "Can I take this for you?"
Me: “I’m actually not sure.”
Waiter: “Ok, I will come back.”

Mike returns from the bathroom

Me: “The waiter and I weren’t sure if that was ready to go or not.”
Mike: “Yep.”

Waiter comes
Waiter: “Can I take this for you?”
Mike: “Yep, take it all. Just take this money and go to Vegas. Go don’t pay them for our food.  Just take this money and go spend it on whatever you want.  Take it to Vegas, play some blackjack.  Double your money.  Then come back. Just go do your thing man.” FIST BUMP

At this point my face hurts from my uncomfortable giggling.

Waiter: "Do you need your receipt?"
Mike: "My what?"
Waiter: "Your receipt?"
The waiter points to the black receipt holder on the table
Mike picks it up and begins to hand it to him then takes it back.
Mike: "This?"
Waiter: "Yes. Your receipt is in there."
Mike: "My receipt."
Waiter: "Yes, do you need your receipt?"
Mike: "Nope."
Waiter: "OK then I will take that for you."
Mike: "You are taking my receipt?"
Waiter: "Do you want your receipt?"
Mike: "No."
Waiter: "Then yes, I am taking it."
Mike: "The whole thing."
Waiter: "Yes."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hopeful Girl's commentary: Is he drunk? Is he high? Did he think that receipts and the cash for meals just magically disappear by small leprechauns instead of the waiter that brought his food? Did he fist pump it out with Ashley that night instead of a kiss and hug in the parking lot? Is he going to invite the waiter on a weekend getaway to Vegas? Is he the new Jersey Shore's version of The Fonz? Theres just so many possibilities here! Thank you to Ashley for not only braving this awkward evening but taking the next step to admitting it happened. On behalf of all women out there who've been on a date with this guy's identical twin, we feel for you girl!!

One Ticket for the Rick Train Please?

Ok, ok, ok, I've been a slacker, I'll admit it. June and July were pretty much a wash for me as I geared up for my first 1/2 marathon post injury in Seattle, WA. An amazing run and no injuries! I even saw a few people I knew on the course which makes me realize that this running thing I've stumbled upon is a very cool community to belong in. Feeling good about my performance, I boarded a jet plane back to Phoenix, AZ and ran into a bit of trouble a few days later. Sure no injuries but I apparently got a blood clot from the airplane. Really Karma? Really? You just make me want to run even more now you nerd. Long story short, not much on the dating scene to report until now....

Tall, blonde and handsome *Rick introduced himself (online) and we began to chat back and forth. He seemed to be a great guy, single, employed, all his teeth, basically all requirements I have in terms of what I was looking for. Soon we set up our first date - drinks at a local watering hole and talked for almost 3 hours. It was pretty relaxed...maybe too relaxed? What I found out that evening was that he isn't single, recently separated from his wife. It doesn't stop there, his profile indicated employment as "engineer" but in reality he's a mechanic (ok I'll let that one slide). He also apparently went through gastric bypass surgery and even though some time had gone by he still wasn't used to being what was "normal" for his height/weight proportions because he mentioned it several times awkwardly. I'm no Marilyn Monroe but really, I figured he was nervous so moving on...The reason why he and his wife separated? She didn't like his weight loss. Seemed like a silly reason for ending a marriage but hey, what do I know? Blonde? Not exactly, bald, he was blonde back in the day. He used to run with a wild crowd, an opposite of his big brother's profession as police officer and he's got the tattoos to prove it but overall didn't lead me to believe that was still part of his life. He asked me that night how I thought the date was going, I replied "Pretty good, at least you showed up". Yeah I told him about a few of the times I'd gotten stood up. He apologized on behalf of every man on the planet. Very funny, relaxed, enjoyable guy to be around. For a very big "sharing" first date, it went pretty well. We continued to chat on the phone, via text and email after that.

2nd date came around, dinner at local restaurant where we made friends with the bartender probably because Rick goes there alot? Either way it was a good meal, great conversation and entertainment by the guy at the end of the bar who refused to take his sunglasses off inside. Weird!  He said when I got back from my 1/2 marathon he expected that I go with him to the new Cars movie that was getting released. Well shoot, if I have to? :) I agreed and I kinda felt like I might have found a keeper? Then the first red flag, apparently he didn't go home after our date but over to a friends house and he and the friend were detained until late into the night because the friend had a warrant out for his arrest. Ok, he did tell me he used to hang out with a rough crowd....

Even when I was in Seattle for my run, Rick would text and see how I was doing so it was nice to know that its not me, there really are great guys out there.  Then...more red flags....

I got a blood clot. And he was going out of town for the following weekend so we made plans to go out on our movie date on the 4th of July. About an hour after he got back into town that day he text me he was wiped out and could we reschedule? Sure, I'm feeling secure so I don't think anything of it. The entire week long we chat and email and text but I noticed he didn't bring up the movie date again. Odd. After 4 weeks of communicating every day, I get a random text message from him to check my email when I got into work. His email:

Good morning,
 So i dont know how this all should go down but i want to be honest with you, I have met someone that i have been spending some time with, i would not say we are dating but i dont know. I do plan on seeing her more and dont think its fair to you not to say something. I dont think I am jumping back into a relationship anytime soon.... I just wanted you to know so as not to leave you hanging. I do think your a great person and would like to stay friends and see what happens in the future. ~ Rick

The classic, "I think you're great but I found someone even greater and I choose her over you...but can we still be friends? If it doesn't work out with the girl at least you'll still be my back-up plan".  Better believe it when I tell you I wrote a very intelligent, well written response back that will make him think twice about kicking a girl to the curb via email or other written communication. He did try to stay friends with me afterwards but I decided if the girl he is with really is better, its not fair to her to let him keep me in his life, it was after all 2 dates and 4 weeks of talking every day...not really much put into it right? *insert sarcastic tone here lol*


*Rick is not his real name, again, protecting the not so innocent.

Beauty or the Beast?

What a year 2011 has been (May  is almost over?!) and an amazing coincidence has begun to form that oddly doesn't surprise me. In January I ran my first marathon! Its OK, you can be impressed lol  It was a challenge to get through the training and reach that finish line and I couldn't have done it alone. Additionally, the physical therapy I had to endure afterwards due to a torn tendon from that grand feat was a challenge that I didn't do alone either.  What dawned on me after some self reflection that my dating life and my running career this year has had similar if not parallel ups and downs.

 

For instance, gearing up for the marathon and subsequent upcoming 1/2 and full later this year there involves all kinds of preparation. Good nutrition, supportive shoes and jogging bra, running schedule (and sticking to it!), fantastic motivation and access to a hot tub. In the dating world the same pretty much applies...order "food" and not pick at a salad, cute shoes and supportive undergarments for the date, schedule and confirm in advance, motivate yourself to be brave for a first date and of course, access to a hot tub.

 

After how this year has panned out so far, romantically I am bankrupt or pretty much close to it. Not to take this new perspective for granted I decided to come up with a plan of action, a "running schedule" so to speak and decided that the next time a jerkalicious man decided to pull a fast one on me, I was going to be ready.  Cue Mr. John W. (his real name) with his debonair crooked smile, fantastic run-your-fingers-through-his-luscious-hair and clear blue eyes as a cherry on top. I will not tell a lie, I got hung up on his gorgeousness before getting to know him. It happens, I'm human, so what?

 

We exchanged some flirtatious emails back and forth that shaped my ideal of him to be of substance in addition to beauty so I thought it was time to take it to the next level. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnn! After calling him I got a strange voicemail greeting "Hi, You've reached Dave with Summit Marketing*. Please leave a message and I'll give you a call back. Thank you and have a good day".  I couldn't have misdialed, it was a cell number he'd been texting me from but hey, I'm human--I redialed. Same voicemail which tells me either he gave me an alias or I just caught a weirdo posing as his friend to get him dates and I'm being prescreened (I've seen it happen). John W. gives me a call back almost right away and we begin the awkward dance of first phone call talking. He explains the phone along with voicemail greeting is from a former boss/current friend from 15 years ago and he can't get a new message recorded with his name on it. Say what?! I did not just fall off the turnip truck? Sha-dy! When pressed (politely) he wasn't coming up with a better answer so I refocused him to why I was calling, to take him up on his offer for drinks after work later that week.  A few minutes of discussion it turns out that John W. works in the office building next to mine! What are the odds after 8 years working downtown I've never run into this kid? Hm....He offered his office location first so I know it wasn't a creepster/stalker situation. Drinks at the Arrogant Butcher were planned for 5:30pm 2 days later. Cut to day-of drinks:

 

11:21am Me: Hey there :) still on for tonight?

1:51pm   John W: Yup, see you at 5:30

2:46pm   Me: See you then

5:21pm   John W: I can't get out for at least an hour. Working on a proposal thar must be done tonight. (I think he meant "that" but who knows)

5:22pm   Me: Looks like you're going to be tied up tonight

5:32pm   John W: Yes, tomorrow night?

5:34pm   Me: Busy

 

And that my fabulous and wonderful pupils is a lesson in how you end the cycle of douche bags who think texting 9 minutes before a date to cancel on you is not a classy thing to do and will cost him any chance of a re-do. Harsh? A little but lets face it, in 2011 alone I have been stood up more in the past 5 months by various jerkalicious men than I have my entire life....and I went to and dated men from ASU so you do the math.  I had made my new dating "running schedule" to now include dumping the dead weight, ie if a man can't show any respect before the first date, what is he going to be like by the time a 3rd date comes around *cough if he's lucky*?  

 

Now I may have a running schedule that every Tuesday without fail I run 5 miles but sometimes it has be on a Monday or Wednesday--at least I make it happen. I can now add to my list, thanks to John W., my dating schedule no longer allows for rude behavior regardless of beauty and charm.  For as much as I have really disliked running over the years I have to give my enemy some kudos for also teaching me a valuable lesson. Well played running career, well played.

 

*Changed name of the company on the voicemail for protection, they can't help it if they hired a douche bag.

My Golden Nuggets

Golden nuggets can come in the form of great ideas, precious moments, a stiff drink at the end of a hard week or literally a golden nugget (hold onto that for your retirement!)  Here's a fun snippet of some "other" golden nuggets that I just have to shake my head at. These are their opening lines to entice me to respond. Yes, I might seem slightly judgemental because I'm sure they are fantastic gentlemen, just ask their mothers right?  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "My Golden Nuggets":

BL505: Im Brian I thought I would say hello to the most beautiful woman on this site 

Not too bad, flattery will get you everywhere except....he sent this message to me twice in 2 days. Thanks Brian but considering they are identical messages, something tells me you send this as a standard opening line. Does this mean I'm not the most beautiful woman on this site? Questionable.

MarcRN: Well I learned to cook, clean, handle finances, trim bushes, clean the pool, paint, dry wall repair, nursing school, love my puppies, run 1/2 marathons, kill weeds, landscaping, totally rooted, etc etc....so that being said I think we should meet for coffee...what do you have to lose but gain a new friend...one who can make you soup when you're sick, or start an iv on you if you ever get too drunk. I'm really one of the best single no kids man in Arizona...LOL (Background on this guy, a male nurse, hot!!)

This message was sent to me on March 25th, on April 6th I responded a hello back, I mean he sounds too good to be true right? Sexy male nurse that can do all of this and is interested in me? Jackpot!  After I messaged him back I decided to do a little back ground check since he'd signed his note with his full name. Apparently I should have done that prior to my response. Why? Because on April 2nd, he indicated on his facebook that he was in a committed relationship with a girl named Katherine from Reno.  20 mins after my "hello" he wrote back and asked me for my digits. 30 mins after that, since I hadn't responded with my number he re-emailed me again asking me out to go running with him on the canals. Classy! Caught cheating and I'm not even dating him!

AzAnd: sooooooooo sexy butterfly girl tho -:)

I'm not sure exactly if this is a compliment or strictly a statement. I can't figure this message out because it looks like there was another part of his thought that he didn't add but something was definitely going through his mind. Friends don't let friends play on the computer while drinking or high.

mysterious: that hat is way lame...u look better in other pics

I have a picture of me where I'm wearing a hat (see below). Personally I think its pretty fun and kinda alluring but thats just my opinion. Maybe next time he sends an opening line to a lady he can say hello first, before he starts attitude with my wardrobe choices? Just a thought....

aztak: I WANT TO SERVE YOU EGGS BENEDICT IN BED CIAO

Quite the offer I would have to say...and I looked at his profile, a picture of him wearing a tight muscle shirt and bvd's, one hand grabbing his manhood like he was afraid it would get up and walk away on its own. Hmm....


To all those sucka MC's that try to step to me...Just be yourself if you are going to be on a dating website. Then again, if being yourself means that you're 3 eggs short of an omelet, maybe you should stick to bar flies cause I'm pretty sure they are the only ones that will appreciate that kind of attention.

Bobby McGee Part 2

Part 2

"You know feeling good was good enough for me, good enough for me and my Bobby McGee." ~ Janis Joplin...such a talented lady. Think she'd know that her lyric would be used in conjunction with my dating existence? She'd probably buy me a drink if she heard about this guy!

It was when Bobby decided to pick up the phone and call me that things changed for what I thought was the better. His humor was right on, dry sarcastic, definitely a good match with mine. At the end of the conversation he asked if he could come over to my place. I explained to him that the first time we met, it'd be better to meet in a public place, I mean, I could be a crazy person right? (plus its one of my rules, I don't break that one for sure!)  He agreed and he made a date for us to go get ice cream the following Sunday afternoon. We flirted, texted and called a few times since making the date and then came Sunday afternoon.  I asked him where and when I should meet him...he mysteriously had to work but offered again, to come over to my place and "help me" since I'd been working on my house that weekend. Graciously, no thank you, I was looking forward to ice cream and for those of you that know me, I am easily bribed to do almost anything for some mint chocolate chip ice cream.  When you have ice cream on the brain, its hard to turn that delicious anticipation off. Needless to say, I ended up working on my house that afternoon rather than having ice cream.

A few days go by of random texts that he wanted to meet me in person and that he really liked me, felt that even if we weren't dating, he'd want to just be friends because I make him feel inspired. I told him "If you want to meet me so badly, pick a day, time and place I'll be there".  Plans for the following Wednesday at Claim Jumper for happy hour. Appearing as requested at the time he picked of 6pm, I sat at the bar and waited. At 6:20pm I headed out, once again the "Queen of Getting Stood Up". A phone call at 7pm from  him indicated he was sorry, he had to work late and he could come over to my place and make it up to me. Um...didn't we go over this already? What part of "You are not coming over until I meet you in public first" don't you understand? He apologized profusely and tried to once again get in my social graces. Maybe next time he could tell me beforehand that work was going to keep him from arriving. Doesn't a text message along those lines take a whole 25 seconds to compose and send? Lets just say when he called me the following Sunday to try again and was graciously shot down (don't want to bruise any ego's here right?) he got upset, told me I was being cranky and hung up on me.

Woe is me! Whatever will I do without a crazy guy who stands me up in my life? Oh I know! Keep on living the good life, thankful we're not together and I'm not headed to the funny farm in the process! One more bullet dodged, Amen                                                            

Bobby McGee Part 1

Part 1:

Ever meet a diamond in the rough? May it be at work, in a club you belong to or yes, even in the dating scene...I seem to be a magnet for them. Thats not an exageration, just truth.  Let me tell you about this little gem of a stud muffin I recently "met" the acquaintance of.

The website I am currently casting my net out for potential beau's matched me up with *Bobby.  Great guy on screen, job, interests, sports, etc. He sent me a note...well more like a novel but hey, he had alot to say and I'm a rambler myself, who am I to judge?  He's in the music industry and a handful years younger (no worries, my name won't change to Mrs. Robinson).  I replied and a short stint of emails back and forth to get to know each other better ensued.  Phone numbers were exchanged so you would think if someone gave you their phone number you might do something wacky like call them right? Nope...this guy is definitely a texter.

His first text was a "hello" but his second text was already asking me to send him a photo of myself to put into his caller id. Whoa nelly! Moving a little fast here Cap'n, lower the sails so we can glide a bit shall we?  He sent one of himself to me with the disclaimer that he looks like a gangster cause its a dark photo and really not a good one of him. Lets take a Kit-Kat break here and ask the question "Why would you send someone a photo of yourself that you're not confident about? That you know is bad? And you're already berating yourself for your photography skills?" Ok, time-in.

Remember, we "met" on a dating website but apparently he doesn't remember who I am after just one week so he then goes on to ask me for my username so he can go back an look me up cause he deletes all his messages. What does this tell me? He's definitely not the brightest star in the sky and slightly tacky. Who admits to that? Come on, wing it! Or don't give out your number to every Tom, Dick and Harry out there. He's in the industry...maybe its just a musician thing?  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm starting to see some red flags here. Since then he's been able to reread my profile but then he's asked me questions that I've already provided the answers for in my profile like "What town do you live in?" "What apartments do you live in?" First...its indicates that I live in Phoenix, second, if I indicate one of my interests is working in my yard more than likely I don't live in an apartment. Hmmm....maybe I'm being too harsh?

Note to those who accesorize with Rose Colored Glasses, if the guy can't remember who he sent his number to and apparently has to repeat the initial 'get to know you' via text message on top of asking you for a picture before your last name....run for the hills! This goes for the guys too! If theres a lady out there who can't figure out how in the world she might know you even after giving her a hint or two, its time to move on to someone less ditzy.

*Name changed to protect the less than innocent.

Prince Charming and His Metal Steed

Did you know Prince Charming doesn't always ride a horse? I met him once, he actually rides a 747, or a DC 10, depending on the day.  *Larry works as an air marshall which to me, is kind of a cool job although any job in government I support so take my opinion with a grain of salt and tequilla shot if you'd like.

After talking for a few weeks I invited him to a New Years party at a friends house, he said he was up for it and was looking forward to giving me a kiss at midnight.  Due to his job though, he had to fly out last minute. His flight was supposed to get back into town at 11:59pm so I told him when he got back we'd recreate the countdown, it'd be like he'd never missed it. 12:20am, he texted me saying he had changed his mind and was too nervous to show. Boo! Oh wait, lets not judge shall we? So what if  he's an air marshall, they're tough as nails but can be sensitive too right? Um....

As a suggestion I asked him to meet me for dinner and he clearly indicated he was not into meeting at a bar. Ok, so suggestions for the safety places like Red Robin, Olive Garden were thrown out there. He says "Lets meet at Tempe Marketplace and we'll figure it out from there". Ok, thats a bit of a big shopping center and asked for more specifics like maybe the fountain or the bookstore--no response.  Day of our first date he suggests we meet at 7pm at Cadillac Ranch (btw, thats a bar). Ok I'm there!  I go home, change clothes and get a text from him at 6:45 that he's running late, can we push it back to 7:30? Ok, sure but I'm getting an uneasy feeling that I've been down this road before. Then he changes his mind and asks could we meet at 8:30 because then he could go home and get cleaned up? I said I'd meet him there but any later and I'd suggest we not meet at all. A girl's gotta have some pride here right?

8:30pm rolls around and he's nowhere to be seen. I call a girlfriend of mine so I didn't look creepy at the bottom of the stairs to the bar, thank goodness for good friends!  I ended up going inside because it was so cold out that night and I'm glad I did because he was 15 mins late! First impression, he is not a good judge of time awareness.  We sit down at the bar and for a guy who doesn't like the bar, boy can  he drink!  Since it was close to 9pm and I don't like to eat after 7pm I joined him for a beverage while he had 4 appetizers to himself. The conversation went well, we laughed and connected on the subject of home improvements since he'd recently bought a house himself.  By the end of the evening we were already discussing the 2nd date!  This turned out not too shabby :)

A week later was my first marathon. Larry asks me to come over to his place the Thursday beforehand to shoot some pool and he can show me the home improvements he's been working on....maybe I could give him some advice? Sure! I mean, I felt comfortable with him and I was going to give my location and info to a friend just incase I got kidnapped but he's an air marshall and trustworthy so why not?  Then he drops the bomb on me, I should come over at 9pm when he gets off of work. Thats where I had to put my foot down (in a gracious manner). I have been training for this marathon for a year now and in the homestretch for the run plus my nerves, I didn't want to disrupt my last bit of training with late nights. I sadly had to decline since I had been hoping to be home by that time so could we reschedule for after the race? Here's how it went verbatum:

Larry: 9 is good. Just come over after
Me: Wait, no sorry. I figured I'd be home from  your place around 9...not come over at 9pm. oops guess out schedules aren't matching up :(
Larry: home from my house around 9?! U crazy?!
Me: you may have a sexy smile but its too close to the marathon, i can't throw off my training for the past year so i guess yes, crazy. :)
Larry: Excuses
Me: Ok

And that my friends is how you know that even though the government may hire the guy, doesn't mean you should date him. I had invited him to the marathon after party with my friends and no response and haven't heard from him since. Guess marathon running does make a girl crazy but thats ok because I got the best gift of all that weekend, instead of a New Years kiss, I got a medal and my first marathon under my belt. NEVER give a guy the time of day who won't support  your goals and ambitions. You'll be doubley dissapointed at the end of that fairy tale. Good luck out there campers!

*Name changed to protect the "innocent".

Wine and the Lacy Dress

Here's the story, of a lovely lady, who actually went out on a good date!  On a rare occasion, fate and karma play nice, the stars align and mother nature decides to give me a break in the love department.  Well, love is a strong word but still, this was a pretty great night!

I went a different route with *Josh, a preliminary invite to have him join me and a small group of friends at happy hour a few weeks ago was extended. He showed along with 2 of his "wing men", and after getting the nod from my friends I was pretty sure that I'd made a good choice with this one. Once I had a free evening, I decided to ask him out although he swears that he was the one that officially approached me. Hmm...OK, I'll go with that lol

Plans with Josh to meet at a local wine bar for dinner and drinks on a Saturday night started out with a bit of turbulence when a late afternoon text asking if I minded we pushed it back to later in the night? Lets just say my stomach dropped because I've seen this "push back the time" scenario before. Heck, I'm an expert at it. Its usually followed by another push back and another before the evening is scrapped and we try for another time of which, you guessed it, nothing comes to fruition. This time, I decided that regardless I was going to get gussied up and whether he showed or not, at least I was going to look drop dead gorgeous doing it!  Black strappy lacy dress, sleek hair, smokey eyes and of course, teal pumps covered in black lace..yeah I know, I'm a hottie.

Believe it or not, Josh did show and we walked into the dimly lit wine bar and saddled up to two spots at the bar. Order a flight each and began making wonderful new friends with 3 of the 5 bartenders. Soon we were all sharing stories of wacky mishaps, oddly enough, I think the bartender had the winning story involving a skateboard area, his dad and the neighbor's cat. We picked the one wine we liked best from our flights and ordered up a full glass. Conversation flowed easily, the music got pretty good once the DJ showed up and before we knew it, a few hours had passed us by.

Josh decided he was hungry so we headed over to a local sushi joint just down the street so off we went. I'm not a big fan of eating after 8pm (otherwise it just sits in my stomach and I feel gross...exception to this rule....2:00am bread eating after a night out dancing, etc), but since he was hungry and I liked his company, why not? I had a Philadelphia roll and he put away 2 rolls on his own, both spicy, one was topped with jalapenos! Wow Batman! He didn't even break a sweat!

By the time we left they were closing up the place, we decided to call it a night as well. Just a "Scottsdale" block away we were back to "The Mr.", my wrangler. Have I ever mentioned how he makes me smile? Josh said good night and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and a squeezed hug before saying goodnight. He was definitely a gentleman and I wasn't even a mile away before I got a text message from him "Hey you, I had a really good time tonight".  He wasn't sleezy, he didn't try to make out with me on the sidewalk infront of 40 people. He did pull out my chair, he did look me in the eye and did hold the door open for me. Chivalry is not dead!

I was still smiling when I pulled into my driveway and it wasn't because of my jeep. Date 2 is already in the works!

*Changed name to protect the innocent.

Grandma Betty and an Afternoon in Gilbert

Picture it: Arizona State University campus, night, 3 hour class just ended and I'm on my way to a sorority event if I can just get my bike free from the bike rack. Guy from my COM 101 class approaches asking me about class notes. Here is the beginning of something innocent...or....

Jake* and I were in the same Public Speaking class and one night we were paired up for our "Introductions" speeches. We talked for about 20-25 mins to get to know each other so that when it was time to introduce each other to the class you'd know enough about each other to make a great speech. I went into recruitment mode and started "rushing" the kid. Asked him about his family, job, interests, achievements, where he went on his Mission, etc. I was on fire, not taking notes because a good recruiter keeps eye contact and makes mental notes until you have private time to write down key points. Time to make our introductions and each team fumbles through. After class, Jake walks me out to my bike and asks me about borrowing my lecture notes. Sure, why not? Trust me, he needed all the help he could get, this class wasn't as easy as it sounds.  As we're talking I'm trying to free my bike from the rack in the dark because lets face it, if ASU can save a few pennies by not keeping the campus well lit at night, consider it done. Jake mentions that his sister is going to be in a play the following weekend and he had an extra ticket, would I want to go? Sure, why not?! What could go wrong?

Since I didn't have a car at the time, he came to pick me up the next weekend at 3:30pm. We arrived at the theater which appeared to be connected to a church. Locate our row and Jake is starting to hug everyone in our row and the one behind it. I'm not being dramatic, I'd say 90% of these 2 rows got a hug or hello from him. Then he turns to me and begins introducing me first..."This is my mom", "This is my dad", "These are 3 of my nieces, the 4th one is actually in the play tonight with my sister and her husband", "My aunt and uncle", "This is grandma Betty"....on and on and on. I'm not joking, even grandma Betty was there! "Oh dear, its so nice to meet you. Its so nice to see you two young people out on a date! Its going to be such a great play, did Jake tell you his sister and her husband and daughter are in it as well? Cassy is so darling in her little outfit!"

Most people would be possibly running for the door right about now. I'm on a date with Jake...AND his entire family? Grandma Betty too?! When life hands you a case of "Yes, this is really happening to you right now" all you can do is go with it.

Lights flickered and the show began. It was a rendition of the Music Man, quite nicely done and I have to agree with Grandma Betty, Cassy was pretty cute in her outfit.  By the time intermission rolled around I had almost forgotten we weren't alone, not that I was going to start a makeout session in row 16 but I did find myself in a conversation with Jake's mom for the short break period. Pleasant woman, very sweet, a little anxious and apologized that they had crashed our date. What does a gracious young lady reply "Nonsense! This is such a great play! Your daughter is quite the actress!" and I wasn't lying either :)

Afterwards, handshaking and congratulations out front of the theater for all family members and their happy actors. Turns out the theater was linked to Jake's church and as we milled around out front, Jake asked me if I'd like some ice cream? Me? Um, YES PLEASE! I perked up at this but then that's where it got a little dicey unfortunately...when you say "ice cream" in the presence of little ones they tend to hone in on it like a lion to its prey. Sadly, tears and a minor meltdown ensued after Jake's aunt had to insist on dinner first and that "Those kids need to spend some time alone." Awkward!

Cold Stone became my own savior that night and we enjoyed a holler for a dollar and 1 scoop each before Jake took me back to Tempe, we were in Gilbert, did I mention that? Looking back at the evening once I got home, I reevaluated what had happened. Somehow, and this is just a guess here, I'm thinking that my interest in my assignment for class may have been misinterpreted as interest in Jake beyond scholarly means.  I had to ask him questions about who he was, about this Mission and things that interested him, my grade depended on it. Otherwise, I can't imagine why he hadn't mentioned, to me at least, that our first and last date was going to include the entire family until we walked into the theater. It does appear, he had mentioned it to his family because they knew all about me!

Lesson learned, make sure that if its your first date, don't go on it with his family in tow!

*Alias to protect the innocent.

Go on, Brush Your Shoulda's Off!

When you live alone you tend to spread out all over the place. I've got a 3 bedroom home and can be sure that I use all 3 of those closets to the fullest advantage. No, I'm super materialistic where I've filled up all 3 with clothes but I did notice when digging out my holiday decorations from the guest room closet that it was time for some of this stuff to hit the road.

Tossing out clothing and shoes, books and cook wear (no, I don't store my cook wear in the closet), exercise balls, etc into boxes for whichever charity group that is trolling my neighborhood the next time got me to thinking, why stop with just clothes and household items? So I started cleaning out my jeep. For some of you, this is a shocker, not only because my close friends know how much I hate to be domestic but I also rarely like to clean let alone keep my true love, The Mr., orderly. Honestly, its a jeep, its supposed to be in charming disarray right?

Due to a lack of knowing when enough is enough, I felt there was something else I needed to cleanse, to purge but what else could it be? I'd started throwing out old receipts, got my tax papers together, what else? Oh yes, what about my darling and yet hateful little piece of plastic that I tow around with me everywhere I go?

Whipping out my cell phone I started going through my contact list. I discovered I still have Simon's vet number in my contact list. He passed away in 2007 :(  Doing more digging, I have to ask myself, what was I thinking when I got involved with these guys and what did they do that I had to name them in my phone as such?

Crazy Dave No Answer
Do not answer
do not answer jerk off
do not answer 2
do not answer 3
do not answer 4...through 9 (you get the idea)
Garrett guy @ gym
No Commitment Rob
Photographer Kevin
Piece of sh** Travis

I've got some funny ones of friends that if I want to call them I have to remember how I saved them in my contact list. For instance, my buddy Ryan is saved as "Quiet Riot" because when I first met him he seemed really quiet and more low key than the norm and his nick name soon turned to such. Now, I know better but the name stuck. Sorry buddy! :)

So why not purge the random douche bags in the list above (oh and if  you're reading this and see your name on that list, time to get a clue), I could free up so much data space with out these guys right? Wrong! I keep them just like every other guy and girl out there (you know you're one of them!) keep old boyfriends/girlfriends/stalkers in their phones: "screening". To know when NOT to answer, to know which text to not open. To show evidence to the police when you need a restraining order for the number, when the calling doesn't stop after 4 days of consecutive ringing.

To prove a point as to why I keep them, I had a text received from Do Not Answer 3 about a year ago. I have no idea who that guy was anymore but I  know I entered DNA #8 before I moved into my house in 2008. Yup, even the crazies keep my digits.

The cleansing ended with me deleting only a few entries, a company and 2 people I honestly couldn't place, hadn't heard from in the last year and for no reason whatsoever, couldn't link to a single organization or friendship.  Feels good to brush off the old and get yourself some leg room...now, I just need a way to rationalize: donating 3 pairs of gently worn shoes, does that mean I get to replace them 1:1? Or maybe at least 1 new pair for every 3 given away? Hmm.... :)

Stick a Fork in it!

I am either a gluten for punishment or just too darn nice for my own good. Case in point, not once, not twice, not even 3 times of getting stood up did it sway me from suggesting attempt number 4.

About a year ago a friend of mine told me about a website that I could possibly find some great guys that was free (sorry, it makes me feel kinda dirty to pay to meet guys online) so I gave it a go. *Derek, was one that caught my eye so we began talking. A plan to meet at a local sushi place for dinner was set but a few hours beforehand, for reasons I can't recall, he had to postpone.  No big deal, but a few days later nothing was rescheduled and I moved onto another guy (which, someone needs to remind me to share his story!)  Time went on and over the course of 2010, every few months I'd get a random text message from him at 4:00am. Class, what did we learn about random late night texts? Just say no! So I wouldn't answer until the next afternoon to prove a point that I'm not that kinda girl. About a month ago, the text occurred again but at a much more reasonable hour and an open flow of very flirtatious but PG-13 rated texts began.

I decided it was time to meet this kid after a year of foreplay via texting and phone calls. A friend of mine was having a surprise birthday party and I invited him as my date. A no show, his text around 11pm said he'd fallen asleep and wasn't going to make it. Boo! I told him no big deal, the DJ was mixing up great tunes and he was missing out. BTW, I looked extra hot that night too because one of my gorgeous sorority sisters let me borrow her purple top. Missed connection #2.

Giving it another whirl, Tuesday I told him that I'd be at a local bar in Tempe at 6:30pm and if he "knew anyone interested in a hot redhead hint hint" he should be there to join me. The following are the text messages:
Derek: Well...I'll try to make it on Thursday night
Me: try? hm....
Derek: lol Would you rather I reply OMG! I am so excited I'll be there an hour early! :)
Me: I'd settle for "see you then" but then again, I'm easy to please
Derek: lol, Ok
*Feeling roughly 75% sure he'd show this time.

Wednesday afternoon, thinking Thursday might be a recipe for disaster, I text him to see if maybe that evening would work out better. After a hullabaloo of figuring out Wednesday night was good, I told him I'd be done at the gym by 7:30ish and I'd text him when I was done.

Me 7:00pm: "got done early, wrapping it up. where should i meet you?"  No response
Me 7:20pm: "got done early, wrapping it up. where should i meet you?"  No response
Me 8:00pm: "guess you're busy tonight" No response
Derek 8:35pm: "sorry, i laid down to watch some tv and fell asleep"
Me 8:50pm: "good night"
Derek 8:52pm: "you're mad aren't you? i'm sorry, you still going to be there tomorrow night?"
Me 8:59pm: "i'll be there but honestly, you've fallen asleep twice on me now so...not really worth getting mad over right? :)"
Derek 9:01pm: "i'll be there tomorrow for sure"
Missed connection #3

Thursday, big night! Savvy top, black pencil skirt and yes, I might have an athletic boot on my left foot due to a running injury but I paired it with a sexy black knee high patent leather boot. I screamed fierce without uttering a sound. 5:15pm a text exchange on who else had I invited to drinks and dinner because he wanted to invite some of his buddies. Say what brotha!? Regroup, somehow he thinks because of my social butterfly status that I couldn't possibly want to just dedicate an entire evening to just him? I figured what the heck, told him to invite anyone he wants but I hadn't planned on inviting anyone else. I called my girl Rachel and like the angel she is, comes to meet me just in case he's a no-show. 6:45pm rolls around and long story short, via text messaging because we're children and can't pick up the phone apparently, the following dialog occurs. FYI, at this point I was working on #2 of my new favorite drink, vodka grapefruit because I'd gotten to bar at 6:15pm for our 6:30pm date:

Derek: so my roommate just got home and now he doesn't want to go
Me: And?
Derek: how long are u & ur friend going to be there?
Me: Depends, i get the feeling you're not super interested so...no worries theres some hotties here as plan b :)  (so I'm a snot but the charm of this guy has completely been lost on me at this point)
Derek: I am though. I'm just not a fan of {said bar} at 7pm. Lol
Me: in the future, suggestions are always helpful. have fun tonight with the roomie :)  (giving him back an equal brush off and that I'm going to have more fun than he will tonight)
Derek: What do they have going on tonight?
Me: table dancing and 1/2 price apps. k, i'm on a date with rachel now so....talk to you later gator :)  (ok so there wasn't really table dancing but he didn't need to know that)
Derek: Wow....ok,  have fun
(2.5  hours later) Me: I had so much fun tonight! thanks for the suggestion to invite a friend :) have a great night!

Bitchy? Childish? Proving a point? Alex, I'll take D, all of the above for $400 please! God bless great friends (and last night's waiter) to support you when you're literally being too idiotic for your own good. A friend of mine reminded me that if a guy was really interested, he'd move mountains to come meet you and I believe that to be true. Why is it that we hold our close friends to such a high standard and yet, when it comes to potential mates, we allow such low standards and give second, third chances much faster than our BFF's?

Stick a fork in this kid, cause I'm done with playing nice! I should know better than to give so many chances (I should take some of my own advice) but I am pretty confident that this will close the chapter on Derek and his shenanigans. Besides, since this morning I've already met a new guy with much better potential and not such a flake like Derek. Keeping it hopeful that this new one won't be showing up in the blog :)

*Changed name for his safety

Last Names and Cross Streets

**Guest Blogger Rachel L.: An important lesson that we shouldn't ever forget. Enjoy!**

As Monson already previously touched on, safety is key when dating. Whether you met the person at a bar, online, a set up from a family member, wherever—it is crucial that you take precautions to make sure that your ass is covered (recovered?) if you go missing.

As part of my own personal safety procedures, I always text my bestie (Rach) to let her know where I’m going and who I’m going with. This is usually just a quick text right before I leave that says “Hey, I’m meeting so-and-so at whatever location.” I try to give first name last name and I tried to be specific about what place. Give cross streets and name. It’s usually followed by “if I go missing, start there.” Gotta have my bases covered, ya know? Same goes if the date progresses and we go somewhere else. I try to let her know where and also let her know if it is going well or not!

Just recently I met a guy at a casino. The casino is a pretty cool place to meet a guy if I do say so myself.  If your single and haven’t tried it yet you should! My friends and I just happened to sit next to him and I was pretty tipsy so I immediately struck up a conversation with him because I thought he was cute. I find out his name, we chat and laugh, we’re getting to know each other while I lose all my money and he makes like $500. Apparently his luck turned around right when I sat down next to him. Convenient for me. The night ended well (and by night I obviously mean day since we met at like 5 AM and he needed to take off at like 10 AM). We held hands a little, he got my number and we parted ways.

He told me he’d text me and I told him flat out, “If I don’t hear from you I’m going to be mad. And no 3-day bullshit, I’m not a fan of that.” I heard from him the same day. Sometimes direct and to the point can really pay off.

All Saturday night, All Sunday day and night, and all day Monday we’re texting and IM’ing on Google chat non-stop. It was the easiest time that I’ve ever had trying to get to know someone in such a short period of time. Espeically considering that text and IM are generally not the best way to have a conversation.

Tuesday after texting a bunch throughout the day he tells me out of the blue that him and some friends are going to the Casino. They should be there at like 10 PM and that I should meet them. I’m in. I get ready and send Rach a text saying “hey, I’m going to the casino with so-and-so (first name last name) if I go missing start there.” I go to the casino, hang out for a couple hours, get a smooch goodnight (ok, a couple smooches) and head home. On my way home I text Rach to let her now I’m still alive and on my way home.

The following day I get up to go to work. I’m a bit tired from going to the casino, but whatever, if it works out with him the lack of sleep will all be worth it. In my rush to get to work I accidently forget my cell phone at home. I forget my phone pretty frequently. At least once a month, so this isn’t completely unheard of. I debate going home to get it, but I’m so far behind at work I decide not to.

I left the house at 8:15 that morning and didn’t get home until 8:30 PM. When I finally get home, what do I find on my phone? A text from Rach asking about the date, followed by a voicemail from a very concerned Rach asking why I never texted her back and that she thought I was safely on my way home the night before, followed by another voicemail from Monson concerned because Rach was concerned.

Of course I immediately call both Rach and Monson to let them know that I’m fine other than the fact that I left my cell at home over the course of a 12 hour work day. Rach texts me back after not answering my call and says that she was literally in her car on the way to my place. I talk on the phone with Monson and she says that she was in my apartment complex trying to find my apartment. I let them know that they can call off the hounds! Eesh – forgetting my cell had repercussions I wasn’t prepared for.

It’s nice to know that if I were to really go missing I’d have panicked friends trying to beat down my door. Good thing Rach has my spare key though, I’d like to get my deposit back.

Moral(s) of the story? 1. Always be safe when dating new people. 2. Have really good friends, and do what it takes to make sure that they stay you’re really good friends. 3. Don’t forget your cell phone at home. Or if you do, take a quick break to go back and get it.

--Monson’s Equally Hopeful Friend, Rachel

Captain Obvious and the "Hot Italian"

Cruising along the cyber superhighway, I ran across this guy (message posted below). Wow! I have to give him kudos for his directness, its refreshing that he's being upfront on what he's looking for. I also have to stop and ask myself to look behind the message this hot nyc italian guy posted to see what he's really saying from a female's perspective. *Read his posting (minus his picture for his safety), then come back and start here.* Keep in mind, this is about 45% of the men I'm personally running across online.

 

First, he's an Italian male who is in need of a woman with big boobs. Duh right? Did he mention he was hot? Yup, so either he is good looking or his ego is bigger than the Blue Banana.  Age and location, relevant and yes, he addresses his note to the "ladies" although, how many actual ladies would respond to this note based on the title alone?

 

Requirements! Requirements! Must not be a prostitute cause he will never pay for sex...Not to be Captain Obvious here but, isn't investing in a dinner, a movie or just in a relationship kind of fall into that category as paying for sex? Or is it just a form of bartering?

 

He's too good looking in case you missed his post title. Not just good looking but "too" good looking. Theres apparently a huge difference. Additionally he doesn't know how to use proper grammar or punctuation (yes I throw stones in  glass houses but I do it cause I'm lazy, not ignorant).

 

He's a sophisticated hot Italian that needs his "lady" to not be over the age of 43. Lets do some math here, if he's 32 and his cut off is 43, how do you arrive at this stopping point? I mean 11 years, really? Are we no longer ladies after the age of 43?

 

Make sure she's got herself a good job (not a bad one) and her own car and house.  This is because he may be hot, but he needs his lady to come and pick him up for dates and let him crash at her house.  Gold diggers with big boobs will not succeed with this piece of hot man meat because remember, he needs to be staying at your place.

 

No drama-rama ladies! He put his foot down and means it! In exchange, you have to love sex.  Lets circle back to that prostitution item we touched on earlier. This is the pot calling the kettle black.

 

So I wonder, if a beautiful lady with big boobs, good body, not a prostitute, under 43 with a good job, own car and house and not into drama or digging for gold and super into sex responded, but one hang up....she had short hair...is that a deal breaker? I am half tempted to respond to this guy just to find out. :)

 

Beware ladies, this guy has several postings out there (Oh no! Apparently Mrs. Right hasn't found him yet)! Every girl has some standards and they are never "too" low to hit this guy up.

 

 

 

hot nyc italian guy looking for a beautiful women with big boobs - 32 (chandler)

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Date: 2011-02-07, 1:44PM MST

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Hey ladies I have to be blunt here and say exactly what I am looking for in a woman..must have big boobs long hair good body..must not be a prostitute I will never pay for sex!! Too good looking for that..must not be over 43 have a good job and her own car and house..no gold diggers!!no drama..must love sex!!

Mumbles Says What? Part II

We last left off with our friend Mumbles and I headed into date #2 of BBQ and concert, fireworks at the end of the night promising that everything romantic was about to come our way. Fate has a sense of humor if you ask me.
Its 4th of July and since we are headed into a long day/evening date I suggested we meet at a grocery store near the BBQ and we'd carpool to the party together (he didn't know the area well). As etiquette indicates, when you attend a summer BBQ you bring with you either a side and/or festive beverage of choice to share with others. I choose the usual bottle of vodka and tonic water. Mumbles came with and at the check out they asked for identification (because of course I do look too young to be of age right? lol)  I hand over my i.d. and the gal waits for his as well. He left his wallet in the car because I was driving and didn't see the need to bring it, plus remember, he doesn't drink so his realm of knowledge for those that do is slightly inhibited.  She can not sell me the vodka without proof of his age because we are together. I leave with the tonic water and some ice feeling like a schmuck.

Needless to say there were some broken hearts when I arrived without the vodka but we overcame this bump in the road and soon burgers were flipped, splashing in the pool and laughter filled the air. I had introduced my date to the entire party, sat with him, engaged him in conversation, bringing others in to make him feel part of the group (I challenge anyone to find a better rusher than me!) It wasn't just me that had a hard time hearing him, my friends couldn't hear him either.  Practically pulling teeth, he just wasn't into it so I decided that maybe if I invited him to swim with me it'd loosen him up.  Come on, girls half naked in the pool, what guy wouldn't want that?! You guessed it, no dice. He at least knew to bring swim trunks but was happy sitting in the incredibly scorching hot July sun so that is where I left him. Sorry, redheads, fair skin...we need to do what we can to stay out of the sunshine, don't ask me why I live in Arizona.

Soon it was time to leave for the show which was about 30 minute drive up north and he knows "a short cut". We had a couple following us in their car and thank goodness I had printed out directions as a back up because Mumbles had us going to New Mexico, not Fort McDowell casino. Its about at this juncture I'm a little confused as to why I thought a second date would save this tryst. Arriving just as the sun is going down we meet up with the 3rd couple, enter and find fantastic seats. Rick came on stage and the crowd goes bananas! During "Jessie's Girl" Rick comes out into the crowd and literally sings to me from 6ft away, I about died when he winked at me! Our group is up and dancing, singing songs except, you guessed it, Mumbles is sitting quietly in his chair staring off into outer space. Hello McFly? Rick Springfield...6ft away...anyone home? 

After the concert the casino put on a dazzling show of fireworks played to sexy soothing music, not once did he try to hold my hand even though it was incredibly romantic. We had planned to return to the BBQ but gosh, unfortunately I was just exhausted and maybe I should take him back to his car? On the way back I asked him how he liked the concert, he said he'd never heard of Rick Springfield but thought he was pretty good. WTF?! About 5 minutes after I dropped him off I got that bottle of vodka and headed back to the BBQ and spent the rest of the evening with my friends for the holiday. Shallow? Selfish? Call me what you want but you know as well as I do that I needed some comfort with friendly faces after that disaster.

I asked for a 2nd chance and I got it. Sometimes a first impression is just as awesome as the second impression. Mumbles, I hope you are having a blast wherever you are!