All Hands on Deck! Reflections of 2 Crew Members

OK guys, this one is definitely more for you than the ladies this time around...

On the Dating Boat that floats on the sea, Daphne, a passenger, crew member and confidante of mine, we have had our share of bumpy, rough waters. Luckily, as work our way up from deck hand to 1st mate, we've been able to spot some of those rough waters to help avoid any extra turbulence.  A first impression is really all that we get meeting new people, rarely a 2nd chance is ever given so you want to make sure your best foot is always put forward and when in doubt, double check with a friend to make sure your best foot really is where it should be. What do I mean by that?

As Daphne and I have been trading war stories about the "men" we've been encountering, a prevalent theme is popping up, and thats that there are too many men and yes, some women, that put the time and effort into their dating profile that might take one to defrost a frozen meal (right Herbert?) Profile photos of men pictured with their wife from their wedding day, now they are divorcing, he's telling us he's ready to get out there! How about the guy who never smiles, you never know if he's really got all his teeth (deal breaker for me if theres some missing). A personal favorite is the guy thats pictured sitting on the toilet, reading the newspaper with his sunglasses on...is it really that bright in the bathroom while you poop to protect your eyes?

Don't get me wrong, every girl has a standard list of things they want their man to possess, sense of humor is one of the big ones, next to employment and no baggage but theres a point when you can hit a wall on humor before you just get creepy.  Here are a few that we've taken from one of the latest, greatest dating apps. Notice their ages as well, you'd think they'd have enough commonsense at this age to know better right? Well...

 

Nothing says unavailable like a profile picture of a guy who's already married

posted on a dating website. Obviously these two guys did not have a friend double check their account before publishing.

 

 

 

Oddly enough, this is a married couple that approached me for a potential polygamy opportunity. I don't judge anyone's personal preferences but if the person you're contacting IS NOT into what you are, please don't reach out, its just awkward and you won't convince them to change their mind. Why would you want them to change their mind anyways?

A group photo from 1987 where its unclear which feathered head is yours, makes it a tough call. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zak, I love his taste in music but I honestly think this is either a joke gone too far or just plain creepy...and who is taking the picture?? Oh dear, really?

As Daphne put it best, a tattoo like this indicates he's made more than a few poor life choices in his day. 

















MJ, a serial killer has better hand writing and looks less scary that you do here, come on man!  This is the equivalent of the Gargamel inviting the Smurfs over for tea and to promise not to cook them in a stew!





Yes gentlemen, I'd like to encourage you to put your best foot forward which means, let the intended audience clearly know what you're looking for, a little about yourself, don't intentionally creep anyone out (ie: if your mother saw your profile would she be proud of you or check you into a psychiatric clinic?) and make sure that you're approaching people that have similar interests. Its ok to smile!

Ladies, you're not off the hook here either! Duck face is the same thing as letting a guy know that you're so 2009 and living in the past of what's sexy. I know I've made the duck face myself (lesson learned) but take it from me, its not sexy and its ok to let this pose go. Pictures of you in lingerie, bathroom selfies in questionable lighting, boobs hanging out, not being honest about what you're looking for, leading a guy on and of course, the favorite "Oh I can change him" attitude when you're meeting a potential mate will only keep you spinning on your hamster wheel. And replying to guys like the above pictured will only get you as far as filing a temporary restraining order because hey, no one wants to get murdered right? Ask yourself the same question "if your mother saw your profile, would she be proud that she took 9 months to cook you her in belly only to have you end up like this?" Yeah, stings a little if you realize you've gotta go change your dating profile now huh?

Lesson to be learned here, if you or the person you're interested in looks like they only put 5 minutes in putting their profile together, chances are thats all he or she will put into really getting to know who you are as a person. No really, don't argue with me on this, its a reality. Also, since we only get 1 first shot at a good first impression, make sure you're putting your best foot forward and only investing in getting to know a person thats done the same in return. If someone is willing to put themselves out there with reasonable information and expectations like you have, chances are that their best foot forward next to your best foot forward will be a great pair to man the deck on the Dating Boat! Who knows, you might find your First Mate after all in the process!

"I'll have a Mr. Wonderful with a side of Gut, Thanks!"

We've all got that friend or group that we trust, we put our entire faith in for guidance and support, so who's to say that one of my biggest sources of support and guidance is not my own gut?  She told me that I should cut my losses, she told me to turn away and not give this guy, we will call him Herbert, another shot even after all the great phone calls and talks we'd had. But lets be real honest here, I'm 36, single and no offers of marriage (well there was one but thats another story), so I decided, against my gut feeling that I should give this a shot.

I asked Herbert if he'd like to go out for drinks and his response was a confession, that he was compelled to tell me and thought it was a deal breaker--I braced myself. Although he was no longer practicing his religion for several years now, he didn't drink and didn't have the desire to, even after walking away from his beliefs. I am by far the last person that would ever judge someone on their religious beliefs or whether they drink alcohol or not, so a quick reassurance that I'm absolutely ok if he was, I was still game. Plans to meet at a local Mexican cantina with a great patio was made for two days later.

Day before the date, a terrific comeback run around the lake after a hiatus from marathon training, my spirit is elated and high when I get a text message, that took it all away.

Herbert: Sorry, but I won't be able to see you tomorrow night.

I've had this text before, the usual brush off that has happened too many times and ends in the typical fade away that people do when they are really not interested. What usually transpires is that the date never gets rescheduled and I never hear from the guy again. So you can imagine how deflated I was to stumble across Herbert, a great guy that I've been getting along with the past few weeks and then all of a sudden the rug is pulled out from under me.

Herbert: I was excited to meet u to but also super nervous...its been a hard transition for me after being {religion omitted}most of my life and having a family that is and always will be hard core {religion omitted}. I am confused about who I am and who I want to be..I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

My initial gut feeling tells me "Sarah, run, don't try to nurture this one, its ok to walk away". I respectfully responded: Tell me why meeting me makes you nervous? I'm not judging you based on your religion or your family, its your character thats more important. I'd hope you'd see me in the same light but thats me assuming. I'm sorry you're going through so much, I wish you'd have said something sooner, I was starting to really like you.
Herbert: Can I change my mind...it might not go anywhere but I want to at least meet u and then go from there. I promise I'm not a baby...haha.
(I waited an hour before responding)
Me: Meet me at the bridge by the theater at 6:30, bring a water bottle and comfortable shoes for a walk around the lake with me and the dog. If all you want to do is just meet and its a one time thing, then let me go but if you want more and to foster a friendship, you know where I'll be.
Herbert: Yup, u would be an amazing lawyer, I definitely want to do more than just meet you, see you at 6:30!

Day of date, Herbert was on point for a nice relaxing walk around the lake, where we can get a chance to talk, a place away from any ideas of religion or alcohol...until he broaches the idea that its too humid out for a walk, can we go back to the original plan of the cantina? oh yeah and what time were we meeting again? My Gut: Red Flag! Red Flag! my gut is screaming at me, but I tell her to shut up and I politely respond with the directions and time.

I arrive at 6:30pm, he tells me he's already there wearing a red volcom (whatever that is?) so after a lap around the patio and bar, approaching the only guy wearing anything of red significance sitting alone, I struck out. Quick text to him tells me he's looking for the entrance of the bar outside. I go outside and see him walking up from the direction of the parking lot. He tells me he was inside the bar across the cantina waiting for me (which is the opposite direction) Red Flag! Red Flag! He also doesn't look like his pictures, Red Flag with polka dots!

Cut to sitting at dinner, I ask him about places he normally goes out for dinner with his friends? Whats his favorite restaurant? Herbert: Uh, I dunno. I don't really go out much Me: Oh so you cook at home a lot? Herbert: No not really  Me: So what do you eat? Herbert: Uh... I have a lot of frozen meals I eat. Me: Oh like lean cuisine and hungry man? Herbert: Whats hungry man?

The rest of the conversation steered towards sci-fy shows, Transformers, Planet of the Apes and the rioting of Brazil after they lost in the World Cup finals. I did my best to ask him questions about him, get a chance to know him, his family, his passions. We talked about triathlons and ragnar, I mentioned my blood clot and he reacted like I said I had farted, then went back to talking about himself. I must have struck a nerve when I asked him how often he and his 10 brothers and sisters got together, half of which live in the immediate area because his behavior shifted, defensive almost, combative. I live no where near my family and I chat with at least one of them in one way or another every day. He gets together with them once a month "They live their lives, I live mine". Lets focus on a small tiny detail, if you are part of a large family, thats religion based, and the only person in the family not partaking in that religion, don't you think either way, your family would love you enough to want to spend time with you? If I can show him that his religion and alcohol is not an issue, so we can spend time together, why is it that he's combative about spending time with his family and cutting himself off from them? I'm gonna call a yellow warning card on that one.

The check comes, I offer to split it with him, he declines and as he is signing the bill, I'm mid-sentence asking him more about his family, he cuts me off, stands up and says "It was nice meeting you" and makes a scene as he walks out the door, leaving me alone in the booth, all eyes are on me from the surrounding tables. What the heck just happened?!

A follow up text discussion as I head out to the parking lot:
Me: Uh what just happened, why'd you leave me alone at the table?
Herbert: I almost left b4 we went into the restaurant. U make funny faces and make the conversation super awkward.
Me: I've truly never been so offended, and I've lived with 50 women before! Please remove me from your contacts. You didn't seem like the kind of guy to be so callous but I guess I can't judge a book by its cover.
Herbert: hahaha....Don't worry I wasn't planning on contacting u again. U said several things that were offensive and I didn't want be around someone like that much longer.
Apparently me asking questions about him and getting to know him (isn't that what you're supposed to do on a date?) was offensive, oh and that I pointed out that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were great but that I hope their new movie helps to show children the correct art form, time and use of karate, its not just kicking someone and yelling hi-yah!

So what has Sarah learned here? Several life lessons, starting with "Always trust your gut! She knows what she's talking about and she will forgive you even when you tell her to shut up". That if a guy is wishy washy, can't remember the time or location of a date made and changes his mind 3 times before you even go on the date, he's got bigger issues going on, one of which is being a real man. I confirmed with a trusted source and professional expert in the area of psychology who indicated that all night he was displaying a sociopathic mindset and something deep and bigger going on with him and/or his family. He obviously lied about going to the wrong restaurant and the fact that he got defensive when I asked about his family tells me that I avoided a huge poor life choice by inviting a loose cannon in my life.

What lesson should you walk away from this yourself? Your gut, your 6th sense, whatever support you trust and lean on for good sound advice, never tell her to shut up, she's there for your protection. Carry on campers!