You know there are times in our lives when we meet someone new, and sometimes, that results in a new version of ourselves. I'd like to think we get better with time or to put it in technical terms, we are the same great computing system with the occasional iOS upgrade. Each new person we meet allows us to upgrade ourselves, either intellectually, emotionally, physically, we all exchange parts of ourselves in every interaction that if we are open minded, allows us to become a better version of ourselves. I'd like to think that because of bat shit crazy Marlie*, I became a better version of myself.
A quick recap: great guy, lots of the "feels", he cheated and lied, I caught him, he showed his violent side, I turned him in, I am deficient in providing copious amounts of cookies to the neighbor kids in exchange for keeping an eye on my house and safety.
Needless to say, after he was caught, I took this opportunity to break from dating and focus on enjoying the holidays. My revere was interrupted several weeks later when I realized a hat that he had borrowed of mine, holding only sentimental value, was still in his possession. I honestly weighed the pro's and con's of reaching out but the pro's of getting it back outweighed everything else beyond reproach. Damnit! I braced myself for the fall out and requested that he either meet me in public to return the hat or mail it to me, and I would even supply a return envelope for him if he wanted. Several weeks of this promise to return my hat continued where I grew tiresome and almost gave up until he insisted he come by and drop it off in person--he wanted to "talk". I emphatically declined the invitation, sticking to my guns that it be mailed or I would meet him out in public, he was not welcome at my home. Lets be honest, at this point it was the principle of the hat return, not so much anything else. The idea that my ex had something with my DNA on it roaming around on the loose gave me the heebee-geebee's (official term). Then one night, it all came to end...
After coming home late from campus January 22, 2015, sitting in my dark driveway as if it belonged there, was a strange vehicle. Slowing down I see someone standing outside the vehicle and realized it was Marlie. Like a dick, he parked crooked so I was forced to park on the street. Two can play at this game, right, (probably better for a quick getaway if needed). He took one look at my surprise as well obvious stand-offish body language that he was expecting a different greeting that what he got. His face and demeanor clearly deflated instantly. I guess he thought this would be easy and all past indiscretions of his would be forgiven. I don't think I've felt as awkward or apprehensive as I have before or since that night as he approached me, asking for a hug hello, my response using my best disappointed mom look and flat voice I could muster: "absolutely not". Soul crushed in 2.4 seconds flat! I am not proud of myself but know that I am a sucker for giving others 2nd, 3rd...even 4th chances and I knew it would be unhealthy all around if I didn't stay strong and play my cards carefully.
He handed me my hat and then asked if we could talk. I evaluated the situation, he was put in his place and knew I was pissed and my demeanor was not going to change from protection mode. I was feeling scrappy and if it came down to it, I had excellent health care and all of my affairs in order incase I got murdered. I agreed to the chat and maintained a healthy 8-10 foot distance between the two of us the rest of the evening. Marlie sat on my couch, apologizing profusely for his erratic behavior, for disrespecting me the way he did, cheating and lying. For the continued verbal attacks and for supporting him the last few weeks (side comment: say what, that wasn't me btw!) He apologized for using me and abusing the trust I had put in him, blaming a recurring illness that I never saw evidence of as the root cause. The medications he was put on was what was causing his behavior and mood swings. Medication made him cheat? Hm....then he dropped a bombshell on me that I wasn't expecting, he started to cry. He looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry, I love you Sarah, I want to marry you! I want to have kids with you and I know I probably blew my chance of having a happy life with you but I hope you can forgive me and give me another chance, I love you!"
Wait..what? Loved me!? Ok gentlemen, feel free to judge me and call me a bitch if you'd like for being so callous but I was in defense mode, he just blamed medication as the reason for his infidelity, how could I think he was telling the truth at all? Thank goodness I come from strong Wallace Clan genes because it made it that much easier to handle the next few minutes, which could have gone one of two ways: 1. involving a body bag and collection of finger prints and blood samples, 2. healthy closure and changing of the locks once again. I thanked him for sharing this vulnerable moment with me, I politely declined his offer of marriage and indicated that I didn't feel I was equipped with the skill set he might need to get healthy--physically and emotionally. My trust in him was too far damaged to be repaired but that I'm sure he will find someone that can support him in a way I can't offer him.
Just as he realizes that this is it, he begins to plead with me, my inner sass starts to roll her eyes mentally, wondering how I got myself into this mess, and then my phone rings. Thank the gods! I had a conference call with California that evening and the wonderful voice on the other end of the phone was beyond my saving grace. Within 10 minutes I was able to escort Marlie out and get back on the phone to share my gratitude to my wonderful sister! She said she could tell from my voice something was up and realized we both needed some sisterly support that evening, lesson learned, Greek life is not just 4 years, its for life! Seriously! (in Dude terms: Bros for life!)
What else to take away from this lesson learned? There still is no shame in letting your heart take over and be vulnerable with someone who deserves that trust from you. Theres also no shame in protecting yourself when that trust is violated and you need to "act like a bitch" even if its not in your character. Women by stereotype want to nurture, protect and support those that are hurting or in need, to fight that urge for me, was a tough lesson that landed me in a situation that could have ended poorly. Casualties of that battle were my safety, my trust, my heart but the soliders that rose to the occasion to fight for me were my brains, my commonsense and the realization that sometimes, women are just as capable of being horrible as the men folk. Yes, we by nature want to be the mama bird, caring for and supporting the weak and ailing back to health but there is a clear difference between supportive partner v. professional support. Mental health issues are a serious and sensitive area and knowing that there is a limit for each of us when it comes to going into battle with weaponry not appropriate for the occasion.
That night in January, I knew that giving him another chance was only enabling a bigger issue and was not what was Marlie's best chance. He needed to realize this lesson at his own speed. It wasn't an easy road to journey, just writing about it wears me out but dammit if it doesn't feel good to pass along this message of hope: its ok to be strong, its ok to be vulnerable, its ok to ask for support and its ok to ask for your hat back only if you're confident it won't end in fingerprint collection and a body bag. The last message I got from him, a text later that night:
"Again-I am amazed with the person you are. Sarah--I am terribly sorry this is how it has come about but grateful that you are YOU and its allowing myself to figure out who I am! Its a good feeling I have-knowing that really for the first time in my life I know in my heart that--YOU Sarah know me! Maybe it was just a tiny crack in a window but you know me! I like that feeling! I enjoyed being vulnerable for the first time EVER! I hope I am not burdening you--this isn't your project and u can say get lost if you want but I want you to realize just how I feel--especially my feelings for you!"
Be good to one another, bat shit crazy or not, we all share the same sandbox and gotta learn to play along nicely with one another. Until next time campers!
~ Optimistically, Yours
