The Dirty Dozen of Winter's Bad Habits

Winter is the time of year where we start to bundle up in sweaters and scarves, break out the wool socks and the idea of cozying up under a warm blanket sounds better than sliced bread.  This is also the time of year where we recognize how thankful we are for the gifts that life has brought into our lives. Honestly, this should be a daily thing year round but we are human, we have our good and bad habits and they crop up on us when we least expect them to.

For me, winter is where some of my own bad habits crop up like allowing my sweet tooth to dictate my palate, putting off my workout just one more day, and the ex's start creeping out of the wood work just to say "hi". Whether it was via text, email or social media, these ex's, aka "bad habits" emerged slowly then came on like gang busters starting around mid-October. Mind you, each of these individuals are an "ex" for a reason and all have been made clear that I'm the girl looking for the lifetime commitment, not a good-time-girl at their beck and call. I wish I was exaggerating when I say in the span of 14 days, TWELVE bad habits resurfaced, but then I'd be lying. Twelve. Twelve! I shake my head just thinking about it, how is it possible that 12, lets call them "life lessons" decide that hey, I should look that girl up, I wonder if she's still single?

Pompous of me to assume this? Well yes, after the first one or two "Hey sexy, how r u?" messages I'd even be skeptical.  After two weeks and twelve different "bad habits" resurfacing with their own version of the same message, some I hadn't heard from for months, some after years of no word, I'd say there was a bigger picture going on here. What could it possibly be, what was triggering this activity all at the same time? The picture was blurry to me, but I knew there had to be a reason like a magnetic shift in the poles or global warming? With the first few messages from these men, I moved through a series of thoughts, one of hope that one of my ex's might want to honestly rekindle our relationship to skepticism of why now, whats causing all this attention? A few cozy winter days of this 14 day journey soon revealed their true intentions as bad habits eventually do. Various levels of loneliness, life crisis, offers of sex without strings attached and yes, even one offer to father a child with me because that's been on his bucket list--to as he put it "knock up a red head". Oh bad habits, how absolutely poetic you can be, and so classy too!

Listening to a local jewelry store commercial one afternoon, the reason to "the why" hit me like a ton of bricks!  Its winter, its time to spend the holidays with the one you love, cozy in front of a fire with a bottle of wine and some Marvin Gaye...or drinks with friends and family, those you hold dear to celebrate the year's accomplishments and give a kiss to someone special at midnight New Years Eve.  But, if you're single, you feel your singleness amplified by 1000 and even more so when your relatives set you up on blind dates with a friend they know you'll "just absolutely love!"  There is no cure for singleness, its not a disease or cancer, its just a status like a political view or gender so when it occurred to me that these 12 lonely, misguided hearts that I was viewing as bad habits, well, they were just feeling that amplification of being single. How absolutely pompous of me to look upon them with pity when I had that realization. Commonsense told me I was onto something, that blurred bigger picture was coming into focus and so the ginger in me decided to do some experimentation to see if my theory was correct. Of the bad habits that I hadn't already dropped from the 12, (because lets be honest, kicking a bad habit is a healthy thing to do), two were left that I knew would be absolutely honest if I called their bluff to go out again.

Scott*, who turned out had gotten married since we'd last talked, was in the process of a divorce, with a young child in the mix. When posed with the proposition of several dates and a reminder that I was looking for a substantial man of character to welcome into my life for a relationship, he admitted that he wasn't looking for anything long term, just someone fun to be with and keep the bed sheets warm. Tim* admitted that he'd moved to California and now that he was back, was tired of the bar scene and didn't have time to date but remembered what a great time he and I had. Further investigation yielded that although Tim remembered that I was looking for a relationship, he had hoped that I had changed my mind and wouldn't mind going out with him anyways? Oh and yes, he did recall having a great time dating me the whole 2 dates we went out on, he couldn't remember what I looked like and could I send him a photo to refresh his memory? Again, poetic and classy.

So what is the take away from all this? First of all, don't ever underestimate the power of loneliness, it will be the reason why your ex's hang onto your phone or email address years after you've moved on from them. They will try to creep back into your life, do not let them!  They are ex's for a reason and if you need a reminder, write down those reasons somewhere handy so when they slither back in with smooth talk, you'll remember why and drop them faster than 3rd period French class! Secondly, its wonderful to know that when I'm going out with bad habits, and yes this will sound extremely shallow but I'll admit flattering, to know they remember the good times they had with me. This just further boosts my ego that I may be shallow, but super awesome lol (totally kidding, sort of).  Thirdly, the holidays will usually stir up those old feelings of lust and lust can sometimes be disguised as love and desire, do not mix the two up! Lust takes its directives from below the belt, love takes its directives from above the belt. You need to choose who you spend your time with, a habit that is worth your time or a bad habit that hits below the belt?  Last, its the holidays, if you have a single friend, do them a favor, just invite them over for a drink or a home cooked meal. Let them tell you about the woes of being single so they can get it off their chest and then reassure them not that they will find someone one day but that they are so much better off without their bad habits in their life. Sometimes, that is the best gift to be thankful for all year long if it means you're happy, and you don't have bad habits hanging around, making you miserable. You know that kiss on New Years Eve won't be as sweet when you touch the lips of a bad habit!

My wish for each of you, stay happy, stay healthy and stay safe! May 2015 be as incredible for you as all the wonderful gifts life can bring and may you find a slice of joy to carve out for your very own as you know, single or taken, you deserve all that life has to offer! Cheers to a Happy New Year!  Until next time....

Optimistically Yours, a Hopeful Girl

Cheers to you and yours!

PS: Please be safe this holiday! You can't read the next installment if you're laying in a ditch somewhere and trust me, its a good one! Some great reminders for New Years Eve: 

* Get a designated driver or be the DD yourself! 

* Uber, taxi or even your mom can drive you as long as you're not drinking and behind the wheel, whatever it takes right? 

* Sleep on the sofa of your friend's house (but offer to make breakfast as a thank you the next morning). 

* Intoxication loses its luster the minute you turn green--don't be "that girl" or "that guy" that turns green all over the hor's devours.

* If you didn't pour it, don't drink it, never know what hypnotic goodies someone could slip you. 

* Fireworks and stupidity do not mix. Have a responsible adult handling the pyrotechnics or you might earn yourself a trip to the ER and a great story on how you lost a finger. 

* Commonsense, above all, the best safety tip. If your gut says "not a great idea" listen to it. Don't hurt its feelings by ignoring it--could mean the difference between a great night and a miserable, bad habit kinda night.  Happy New Years Campers!

No Flip Flops - Part 2

As promised, part 2 of No Flip-Flops....

After an incredible first date with John and another one set for the future, I'm on cloud 9! Three days after the date I get a phone call from my father, "So where'd he take you? And you're not dead right?" I told my father he was a crack shot investigator waiting three days to check on me after a blind internet date came to the house to pick me up and take me out on a mystery evening. At least I know the time frame for how long it'd take for someone to discover I'd gone missing right?

Date #2 consisted of Monday night football at a local dive bar, my Seattle Seahawks v. his Greenbay Packers. As game day grew near, I get a text message from him that he'd gotten the dates mixed up and the two teams weren't playing for another month, what if we did something else? Sure, so plan B was to head out for happy hour at a local Mexican spot after work. I'm dressed in my work clothes which if its good enough for the business world, figured it'd be good enough for a second date right? Nope, he kept insisting I go home and change then come over to his place (apparently side stepping the Mexican restaurant). I politely declined, by the time I got off work, changed clothes and headed his direction it wouldn't be happy hour any more. Plus, personally I liked my outfit that day, I looked good, why waste a good outfit?

I arrived at the happy hour location, no John, no cars in the lot and the place was dark inside. Being the resourceful girl scout that I am, I ventured across the street to a strip mall to find a plan C location, an Italian spot that boasted lots of happiness and open tables. Arriving late, John declined and said it wasn't a good spot, so plan D, a sushi spot that looked a little questionable was our final destination. At this point I was starving and just wanted to spend time with him and didn't really care where we were as long as we were together.

Walking into the last 10 minutes of happy hour, we order a round of Saki bombs. Although John was younger than me, I got carded, he didn't. The waitress walks away, his mouth hanging open in disbelief, I giggled.  Sushi, a 2nd round of bombs and 2 hours later, John wants to head to the movies but doesn't know which movie he wants to see. After 30 mins of debate on not so much the movie to watch but rather the theater, he decides the one he wants to go to is 2.5 miles further east from us v. the one I suggested which was only 2 miles away and west. By the time the check came, no decision was made and we just sat there talking. Why is the discussion regarding the theater important? His logical reasoning to go to the eastern most theater was it was in his neighborhood and closer to his home, making his commute just a few minutes. I was already 25 mins away from home, what was another 5 minutes for me? (Yes I was a little miffed but hey, he was a great guy so I let it go and agreed to the theater further away.)

John grabbed the check, playing with it for the next 30 mins as we continued to sit and talk, I'm asking him questions about his children and letting him know that I value the important role they play in his life. At this point now though, we've missed the beginning of the movie and it is now pushed off for another evening, I excuse myself to the ladies room, figuring he'd wanted to pay the check while I was powdering my nose. Returning to the table I see no, he's still playing with it but its not paid, ok, hint taken. Either he wants me to pay for it, or offer to split it but doesn't know how to broach the subject?  He excuses himself to the restroom so I make the executive decision and paid the check.  It was the least I could do, he planned such a great first date, why not try to show my investment in the budding relationship as well? Its not a woman's lib thing, its just a common courtesy and maybe he didn't anticipate the bill amount? I could not have been more wrong! Look on his face upon his return, it was as if I'd just stolen his man card, but he said thank you and sat down to finish his beer.

As we made plans for another date, with a more solid time table and movie theater location, discussion evolved into my volunteering. John asked me more about it and I was happy to oblige with my answer, when you're passionate about something, its easy to share! I explained that I enjoy working with the ladies that I do, the philanthropic opportunities it provides and the development of a larger purpose by investing in the personal growth of each woman. He smiled and said he thought it was so great that I had a group to volunteer with, that he could tell it made me happy. I couldn't believe it, a guy that seemed supportive of my volunteering instead of calling me an airhead or belittling the fact that I enjoy working with incredible women. Score! A long kiss good night and I was headed home with the thought that this great guy, who seems supportive of my volunteering, shows me that he likes to be a man and plan things but is ok if I take the wheel if needed and still give me a toe curling kiss at the end of the evening!

24 hours later, toes have uncurled, sadly I've got a sore throat and had to stay home from work, come to find out that John's kids have been home sick. Lesson learned here, sometimes boys have cooties....meh, it was worth it! Date #3 had to be postponed until I was better. He checked in on me throughout the week which was so sweet and as I got better, he asked if I wanted to hangout again, yes of course I did! I had already made plans for volunteering later that week but I'd figure something out. Then this happened:

John: recruitment for brownie scouts? :)
Me: for my sorority
John: Ah ha! You're still helping with that?
Me: Still? Its a lifetime commitment lol. Thats like me saying to you "oh your kids...you're still doing that?" :)
John: Thats cool that you're that hard core into it
Me: Thats cool that you're hardcore into being a dad :)
John: you're being a little defensive don't you think?
Me: Defensive? Not at all :) I'm happy to let you know that when something I'm dedicated and passionate about is important to me, its easier to explain that by putting it in terms that makes sense to others who might not understand that dedication. I'm guessing its not something you're  interested in so I'm making a mental note to keep my related activities to volunteering to myself. Easy peasy :)
John: I said it was cool that you were hard core into it.  Not that you were a geek. For you to pit against someone else's child bearing is a bit much.

(I don't respond, 20 minutes go by)

John: Ask someone else who's close to you who might know about both subjects equally and see what they have to say. I'd guarantee you that you had said this to most any woman instead of me? Shed find your address and have it out with you. Lol
***Did you hear that? Thats the sound of sad ignorance drowning in a pool of knowledge and I still threw him a life preserver because I was still hopeful about this fantastic guy. I wasn't going to let him pick a fight with me.
Me: Actually, of my friends that are both men and women, parents or not, all of them are supportive and especially the ladies that I have in my volunteer group that are ALSO mothers are even more supportive and passionate like me. But I appreciate your perspective and will leave that as the last time I'll mention the subject with you :)
***splashing and thrashing around, he still won't take the life preserver I'm offering of kindness and understanding.

In reality, I was absolutely irritated. Pick me up at my place for a first date even though it was against my personal rule, forget to mention to me until we're already on our first date that his divorce had just become finalized meaning he wasn't single when we'd met online, insist I change out of work clothes for happy hour, get me sick (ok, I take 50% blame on that one), and openly admit that he didn't want to go to a closer movie theater because it wasn't as close to his house and didn't want to drive far...all of this and I was still not phased until my deal breaker came to light, where he showed his true colors about my volunteering. Sorry buddy, but the minute anyone starts to downplay and belittle something I support, is the minute he's introduced to the curb, rump end first!

The conversation was so disappointing and yet incredibly enlightening, to see what a human is capable of to not only rationalize what commonsense tells us are red flags, but to also continue to inspire hope that its just a silly misunderstanding between the two of us.  A few lessons learned in this process that hopefully will be a good take away here as I am optimistic that I'm not the only one that believes in happy endings...1. Do not ignore gut feelings, its a slimy organ inside our bodies but its there to warn us of danger  2. Its ok to step outside your comfort zone, to take a chance on happiness, to let your guard down and allow someone else into your world. Your heart might get broken in the process but it WILL heal   3. If the person you're with is not considerate about the things that are important in your life, you won't ever convince them otherwise and sticking around to "fix" the situation is just not going to go in your favor  4. Anyone is capable of feigning sincerity if it'll get them what they want.  I have since discovered the sincerity shown on our second date was a ploy to have me come over and spend the night at his place. Didn't that trick stop working in the 1980s as a pick-up move? I guess his previous acts of chivalry have an expiration date.  5. Honesty is still one of the sexiest qualities a person can possess and keeping secrets such as your relationship status, your personal health, are things that can potentially negatively affect others. Knock it off, be honest, be safe and no, its never ok to lie or omit the truth when in a relationship with another. All you're doing is dooming the relationship to failure and purposefully causing harm. Don't be a douche bag, be honest (ladies, that goes both ways!)

Truth is, I had a great first date with a man that had great potential and I think we both thought it was going to blossom into something more. In the end, I wasn't willing to compromise my character or what I stand for and he wasn't willing to be a woman that wasn't going to become dramatic when he tried to pick a fight. I still see his profile online, active from time to time since then. I know he's searching and wish him luck and hope he realizes that being in a partnership, really a relationship, means supporting one another, even if its not something you're interested in--if its important to one of you, its important to both of you!

~ Optimistically Yours,
a Hopeful Girl