Kisses and a Waggly Tail

August is almost over and with it, another chapter on summer love has come to a close. Summers in Arizona mean short shorts, scant tank tops (both guys and gals), flip flops and running from one patch of shade to the next for fear you'd burst into flames if your skin was touched by the afternoon sun. Its only 113 today...no big deal right?  Summers also mean that its easy to get light headed if you don't drink enough water, I think I may have gotten a little light headed....

6'4", dark brown hair and handsome *Chris rolled into my universe looking like Ben Affleck with the sweetness of candy all in one. New to the valley, divorced (I checked, it was officially decreed), no kids, employed, no record, has a roommate, non-smoker but social drinker and he fosters with a boxer rescue (hello? so sweet!) Our first date was at the dog park and it couldn't have gone more ridiculous. First, I ended up parking on the absolutely opposite side of the park than where I was supposed to. I was walking around in the dark, alone but on the phone with him until he came and met me halfway.  His foster dog was at first uninterested in me because I didn't have a ball, Frisbee or treat. We finally make it into the dog run area and there were so many people and their dogs running around willy nilly! I loved it! Lots of sniffing, chasing around, wrasslin' and such...not much different than your average night at the bar for people right?  We find ourselves having a good time, talking, getting to know each other, things are going well until...We were talking to the owner of a beautiful mastiff and if you know, these are big, slow moving dogs but gorgeous! A black dog comes up to join the conversation and sniff the mastiff. Dissatisfied with the mastiff, he comes over to me and I start to give loves. I was well trained by Annie, a friend's dog very well in giving scritches.  She'd have me giving her loves and I wouldn't know I was doing it conscientiously until 5-10 mins later lol. The mastiff, he is slow but interested in knowing the black dog more and moves towards us. Black dog, feeling threatened, decides to make sure that all other dogs know that I belong to him now. A warm, wet sensation starts from my knee down into my sneakers. Yup, he peed on me! This can go one of two ways, freak out or get cleaned up...I chose to excuse myself quickly and go rinse my jeans off by the doggie fountain. Chris had no idea what happened but the mastiff's owner saw it all and played it cool. Awesome first impression! lol

Oddly enough he couldn't wait to see me again so the next night Chris and I went for happy hour and a walk around the canal. He's a great kisser! Said that he really liked me and it wasn't scary at all to hear that. He didn't try to make any other moves than kiss me and hold my hand on that night, it was so perfect! I told him about the other guys that had stood me up and he was mortified! I asked him to make me a promise, if he was ever done with me that he'd just be straight and tell me. He shook on it and agreed but said "I'll never be done with you!" *Swoon!* Third date was at his place, he cooked for me and it was delicious! By this time his foster dog is LOVING me, recognized my jeep and wanted to with me on a ride lol. I'm thinking to myself by date 4 that I was glad my gut instinct was right to hide my profile so I wouldn't be on the market anymore. By date 5 he was at my place and hold onto your seats campers...I actually cooked for him this time! Yup, my kitchen has now seen 3 meals in it total for the whole year, that's how much I liked this kid back! We were just so comfortable together, laughed and had great conversation, said he couldn't get enough of my kisses. I even told my parents about him which to tell you the truth, I stopped doing because guys were dropping like flies around me as they revealed their doucheness (hence the blog). At the end of date 7 we made plans to go out for date #8 that following Saturday night and it was a long 4 days to wait for both of us. We talked on the phone, texted all day long and I was so smitten with him that I thought I'd burst, Saturday wasn't coming fast enough. Friday night I knew he was with a buddy watching the game so I sent him a text that he should come over afterwards if he was up for it (it wasn't a bootie call, it was to watch a movie literally). No answer. Saturday comes, "Good morning, so you got plans for tonight? :) " knowing full well they were with me, no response. That's odd because he and his phone are literally never apart. I was going to suggest we stop by a housewarming party a friend was having before we headed out. Instead, I went alone to the party and even got hit on by one of the guests but I indicated that I was sorry, I was not available.

Sunday afternoon it has hit me, Chris isn't going to text me back, he isn't going to call me again and honestly I have no idea what the heck happened in the span of 4 days where all of a sudden, I'm no longer a thought for him. I go to his facebook page (he friend requested me and I ok'd it, again, I was so comfortable that I felt it was ok to share that part of my life with him). I see a post on his wall, Alisha ***** checked herself in at Casey Moore's bar on Saturday night and tagged Chris with her. Funny, that was the place that I had suggested Chris and I go to once the weather cooled down. I see that Sunday morning, she checked in at another location and tagged him with her.  Slap. In. The. Face. I called him right after that and of course, he didn't pick up. I left him a sweet voicemail "Hey, haven't heard from you in awhile, thought we were going to hang out again this weekend but I guess you're busy? Hmm...ok, hint taken. I wish you the best of luck". I wasn't mean, or vindictive just matter of fact like I was leaving a message for my brother. 

Monday night he decides to call me back, said he was sorry, he was just so busy with work all weekend he didn't have a chance to call me back until then. I told him I wasn't understanding why he was calling, did he need anything cause I knew he was with Alisha all weekend and how I'd found out. The jig was up and he knew using work as an excuse wasn't going to hold water. He felt bad, said he was sorry. Said he didn't intend it to happen but he met her after me and they had just clicked. Said he had a great time being with me, I was a really great girl, awesome girl, laid back and so fantastic. My reply "I guess I'm just not fantastic enough if you're choosing her instead". I told him he wasn't off the hook, I wasn't going to say it was ok and that I was so trusting in him, it was too bad I gave him all of my attention and in return only part of his. I made him promise to tell me that if this girl was so great that he better treat her right, he better not do to her what he did to me because that would be horrible to make her feel like I did all weekend. He broke his promise to tell me when he was done with me...maybe he can do better and keep his promise to be kinder to Alisha. Alisha..wherever you are out there, I hope he keeps his promise and I hope you really are as fantastic as he hopes you are too.

Moral of the story: at least I know I can still fall for a guy and be trusting enough to open my kitchen up and when he tosses me aside...I know I've still got my profile that I can unhide and get back in the ring. :) I guess that light headed feeling I had earlier...was probably not that dating high from finding a great guy...but dehydration?

*Name changed to protect the innocent even though the kindness isn't returned.

Chaz and Chester the Jester: A Tale of 2 Class Acts!

Submitted by hottie and guest blogger Ashley M. Thanks to her bravery!

When Ashley sent these to me to share with the class, my mouth literally fell to the floor! Listen, I know not all guys are horrible and full of nonsense but honestly these two are doing everything in their power to prove that they are less than desirable catches. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if you "caught" either of these two...lets just say theres no cream from the pharmacy that can cure you from it lol

Step right up and meet Chaz!

The first one was Chaz, a guy that I had wanted to go out with for awhile. He was finally single, so we went out, but he wanted to go to a dive bar. That should have been the first clue. He then proceeds to tell me that he and his friends go to strip clubs to spit on strippers. Yep! And you are right, there is no answer to that except "Anyway..." So then he gave me $5 and asked me to go get music on the jukebox. So I did. One of the songs I picked was "One" by U2. I LOVE that song. He then proceeded to yell, and I mean actually yell at me in public for picking the band U2 and that nobody likes U2.

Hopeful Girl's Commentary: Oh dear, really Chaz? Reeeeaaallly? I call a 10 yard penalty, holding on the play, offsides and ejection from the game to anyone who claims that nobody likes U2. Pretty sure they are a universally adored band in every country and language this planet has to offer. Now we all know why he was "finally single", the last girl chucked him for being Satan.

Our number one winner of the night? Chester the court Jester!

Chester is the guy I took to my cousin's wedding. My cousin had a wedding reception of 850, and out of all of those people, she remembers my date the most. There was a live Irish band there, but nobody was on the dance floor because we were eating except my date, he was alone on the dance floor dancing to Irish Jig music. My mom turned to me and told me I had to go get my date off the dance floor. He ate food off of stranger's plates and got cut off at the bar after 14 drinks.  Then he threw a bottle of liquor when they wouldn't serve him anymore. On the way home he serenaded me to "Margaritaville" which was nice but then as the song ended he opened the car door, of the moving car, and hawked a lougie out the door!! Since his behavior wasn't entirely crazy enough, he started to rub my head while the song dream weaver played. Confusion on his part because he didn't understand why I gave him a dirty look besides the fact that the hair do he just messed up cost me $75.

Hopeful Girl's Commentary: I wonder if Chester does more than just weddings...this guy is a gem! Imagine how much more fun your baby showers and christenings could be with him at your side! Or how magnificent your graduation or even funeral could be with a class act like him in attendance. Oh Dream Weaver! Or maybe its not a dream, but a nightmare. Yikes batman!

**Chaz and Chester are real people but their names have been kept private due to medical reasons. Just remember, theres no cream for these guys, just a quick run for the hills and maybe a check for $75 for the hair ;)

Introducing Marketing Guru Mr. July!

Have you met Mr. July? Oh let me tell you all about him! Mr. July, lets call him Gilbert*, a man of athletic achievements, soft heart and funny personality. Ladies and gents, this man has it all! Step right up and shake this man's hand! But wait, theres more! If you buy now there are bonus gifts, want to know more?

Gilbert is another online catch, his profile indicates he's in banking, he has a dog (confirmed by an attached photo), into camping, college greek, running (also confirmed by attached photo) and sushi. Hello? Mr. July is just what this girl has been looking for! I have to admit, what caught my eye first were his photos because what girl doesn't fall for a guy who loves dogs or cats? Lets me be honest ladies, we're suckers for the softies.  The proof he was a runner was his second photo, a svelte, lean man running with a strong stride due to his flexed muscles glistening bare chest in the sun, blonde hair flowing in the wind to show his speed. It was like Prefontaine meets drugstore romance novel! I was hooked! Great conversation back and forth about running, goofy stuff, we definitely hit it off.

My first date with Gilbert was supposed to be a local tavern for dinner after a 3 day weekend with my girls. A great build up all weekend was chatting with them about how hunky he was and I definitely got their approval after their review of his profile. No red flags so I figured, if 8 of us were in agreement, this one wasn't going to be a dud like the others. Sunday night I get to our location, I'm on the look out for a hot blond runner. Interestingly enough, thats not who showed up. 

Gilbert has apparently changed appearances since those photos he'd posted. The guy that showed was completely bald and I'd gauge roughly 60-70 lbs heavier. Talk about awkward, Gilbert approaches me and says hello and I didn't recognize him at all, thats how different he appeared! Of course, outer package doesn't indicate whats on the inside so I'm curious to see how the evening turns out. We sit down for dinner and I have to be honest, the cool and confident guy I'd been emailing and texting for 2 weeks prior was not the same guy in person. He was so nervous! Anyone that knows me can attest that I can carry a conversation with a brick wall and honestly Gilbert was making it harder and harder as the evening progressed. I pulled out all the tricks to help him relax, asking him about his family, tell me about your high school prom, how were his plans for moving to a new place going? 1.5 hours later I finally had to check my watch and say "Well I should probably head out, I still haven't unpacked from my trip". This was not a lie and thankfully my laziness comes in handy once in awhile.  I promised myself that a 2nd date was in order, he just wasn't the same guy he'd appeared to be on paper v. real life and I wanted to make sure if it was just nerves that he got another round, regardless of his apparent false advertising.

2 phone calls later that week and our conversations on the phone got even more awkward than our date. I had to call Uncle and just let this one go.

I think I've narrowed a seriously perplexing problem, for me its not meeting men thats my problem, its meeting men of quality...thats the problem. Just remember, although Mr. July may be over...the summer is not, theres more to come campers! Happy dating!

*changed name to protect the not so innocent

Jersey Shore meets the Ohio Fonz

Contributed by guest Blogger and fellow hottie, Ashley M. His name is Mike, he is 37 (keep this in mind as you read, makes it even more awkward)!  Enjoy!

We finalized plans to go out on Wednesday, July 27th.  He offered to come my way since I have a much longer drive to and from work.  Very nice of him to offer, you are correct.  As I do, I recommended we meet at 7:22.  He found the humor in the exact time, and said he may not be able to get there until 7:23, but he would try.  So at 7:15 that night, I get a message that he left AVON LAKE a couple of minutes ago and he won’t be there on time because he is stuck in traffic.

MY THOUGHT: “Well sure, traffic will make you late, but giving yourself about 7 minutes to get from AVON LAKE to STRONGSVILLE is the reason you are going to be late.” *Fact check: it takes roughly 30 minutes to drive this distance without traffic.

While I waited 15 minutes for a table at B Spot, I took my seat and sucked down two Pepsi with Grenadine.  Hey! There is Michael, and it’s only 7:56pm, only late by 34 minutes.  So the slight irritation begins, but that’s OK.

Then the waiter approaches...
Waiter: “What can I get you to drink?”
Mike: “Good to see you my man.  Thank you.”  (FIST BUMP – that caught the waiter off guard and initially the waiter just looked at Mike’s hand confused trying to figure out if Mike was trying to show him something.  Finally the waiter realizes what is going on and fist bumps him back.  While I giggle uncomfortable.)
Waiter: “Something to drink?”
Mike: “You pick. Give me a brewski of your choosing.”
Waiter: “I can’t really do that, in case you don’t like it.”
Mike: “Just bring me your favorite.”
Waiter: “Do you like dark beer or light?”
Mike: “Whatever is fine.”

MY THOUGHTS: “Order a FREAKING (replace with a different word) Beer.”

Waiter returns with drink.  Mike gives him another FREAKING fist bump.

Waiter: “What can I get you to eat?”
I order
Waiter: “And for you?”
Mike: “Whatever is fine.”
Waiter: “I’m sorry?”
Mike: “You pick.”
Waiter: “Well can I have a hint.  Do you want a burger?”
Mike: “Sure.”
Waiter: “How would you like it cooked?”
Mike: “You tell me.”
Waiter: “Will medium work?”
Mike: “Is that how you would eat it?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Mike: “Then sure. Medium.”

When the check comes, Mike leaves a pile of money on the table and goes to the bathroom.

Waiter: "Can I take this for you?"
Me: “I’m actually not sure.”
Waiter: “Ok, I will come back.”

Mike returns from the bathroom

Me: “The waiter and I weren’t sure if that was ready to go or not.”
Mike: “Yep.”

Waiter comes
Waiter: “Can I take this for you?”
Mike: “Yep, take it all. Just take this money and go to Vegas. Go don’t pay them for our food.  Just take this money and go spend it on whatever you want.  Take it to Vegas, play some blackjack.  Double your money.  Then come back. Just go do your thing man.” FIST BUMP

At this point my face hurts from my uncomfortable giggling.

Waiter: "Do you need your receipt?"
Mike: "My what?"
Waiter: "Your receipt?"
The waiter points to the black receipt holder on the table
Mike picks it up and begins to hand it to him then takes it back.
Mike: "This?"
Waiter: "Yes. Your receipt is in there."
Mike: "My receipt."
Waiter: "Yes, do you need your receipt?"
Mike: "Nope."
Waiter: "OK then I will take that for you."
Mike: "You are taking my receipt?"
Waiter: "Do you want your receipt?"
Mike: "No."
Waiter: "Then yes, I am taking it."
Mike: "The whole thing."
Waiter: "Yes."


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Hopeful Girl's commentary: Is he drunk? Is he high? Did he think that receipts and the cash for meals just magically disappear by small leprechauns instead of the waiter that brought his food? Did he fist pump it out with Ashley that night instead of a kiss and hug in the parking lot? Is he going to invite the waiter on a weekend getaway to Vegas? Is he the new Jersey Shore's version of The Fonz? Theres just so many possibilities here! Thank you to Ashley for not only braving this awkward evening but taking the next step to admitting it happened. On behalf of all women out there who've been on a date with this guy's identical twin, we feel for you girl!!