Sometimes, a conversation is all you need to really get a good idea on just what you're in for. You can get a vibe of joy, a red flag of "yikes", happiness, sadness, excitement and can really bring some sweetness to the receiver's side. In the dating world, I recently had a conversation with *Stan, a guy that I met online. Instead of writing out a novel, I think the conversation alone paints a good picture. While reading, do yourself a favor and keep notes on which "vibe" you are getting. And now, onto our feature presentation: note that these are verbatim words so please excuse grammar and spelling, its as it appeared in my messages.
Stan: Hi
Me: Hello? Who's this?
Stan
Wanna exchange pics
Hey Stan, how are you
and Beth doing out in CA?
Can I have a picture
Stan you're funny. So how's
the beach? Are you loving
the job and new area?
I'm not in California
Your thinking of another stan
Oh Sorry
Wait is this Stan Olson?
Ah kid, how are you? The
family?
I'm in Phoenix
You visiting?
Let's just exchange pics
We never met before
Awkward...my bad, sorry I
can't place you
How'd you get my number?
Maybe on a dating site
Lol maybe?
That must've been a few months
ago at least then
Can I have a picture
yeah
Sorry but since I don't remember
you obviously and you can't
remember where you got my
number, gotta admit that sounds
a little hinky. I'm going to have to
hold off on sending any photos.
Sorry, you don't look familiar :(
U gave me your number off
the internet dating site
Oh ok well thanks for the check-in
sorry I've been dating a lot this
summer so apologies that I don't
remember chatting with you.
I would remember u if I
saw a picture
Wait, so you don't remember me either?
Lol ok this is super awkward no lol
I know your name is Sarah
Don't remember what u
look like
Your cute
Wish I got to meet u
(some time passes)
What u doing
Working
What area do u live in
**Tempe, why?
Just wondering
My work is in Tempe
(next day)
Hi
(3 days later)
Hey
(2 days later)
Hey wanna hangout
Stan, sorry but I am not looking
to "hang out". Just being honest.
I do wish you the best!
Show me your tits
No, please remove me from your
contacts.
(later that night)
Show me your boobs first
No, please remove me from your
contacts.
(later that night)
Show me your boobs first
Classy. Sooooooo classy.
I did some research after the fact and looked at my old phone that had old text messages in it still, finding the first set of conversation that he and I had starting in April. Immediately my memory was triggered as to why I didn't get a good feeling of Stan the first time. He demanded I send him photos over and over again (counting, in the short time we talked, 27 times) and yes, I'm stunning but I look the same every day, he was asking for photos every day, multiple times a day, he got one photo of me. I quickly developed an uneasy feeling and stopped responding to him. Like clockwork, every 2-3 days he would send a message to me over a 3 week period of "hi", "hey", "Hi", "what are you doing", "send me a pic", "Hey" with zero responses from me. Yes, I did the fade away and I hate that I had to resort to it but in this instance, I think I found a justifiable reason to do it.
Now you might be thinking, why didn't I just tell him I wasn't interested back in April? If he wasn't listening to me when I told him I wasn't going to send him multiple photos of myself, he wouldn't listen to me if I told him I wasn't interested. Proof in the pudding, 2nd time around shows you his response when I finally did respond and obviously, he didn't listen. And yes, thats not a photo of me, I was testing him to see if he really didn't remember what I looked like, again, proven correct sadly.
Conversations should be 50/50 or somewhat within reason, where there's a strong listening skill set, exploring the topic and getting to know one another's perspective. Paying attention, trying to remember a few key details such as what a person looks like, or how you know someone before contacting them. These are great tools for being successful in having conversations! It applies to not only the dating world but for the real world work force, making new friends, keeping in touch with family, going through the TSA line at the airport, etc. Not paying attention at TSA will even risk a full body cavity search, missing your flight and potentially getting on the no-fly list (this is not awesome).
So take some of these great tools, remember the vibe you might be giving out to others and if they truly aren't involved in the conversation, its ok to not respond until it really becomes necessary. Know yourself, know your limits and also know when to block someone from your phone or if you can't do that, change their id from "Stan" to "Do Not Answer". Good lucky campers!
*To protect Stan's identity, name changed
**To protect the location of where I actually live, I used a different city so he would hit a brick wall if he went looking.
***Photo found online.
****Updated September 2014****
The above story started out in April 2014 and the last message from Stan was sent on August 4th, 2014. On September 24th, he sent me a message via the dating website I'm on (of which I was confident I'd blocked him but apparently it didn't save).
His message: Hey Sarah I'm Stan nice to meet you. Your very pretty
I sat at my computer, dumbfounded that Stan has once again found me, he's like a bad penny! Now, messaging me as if he was introducing himself for the very first time, that not once but twice in 6 months, the conversations we'd had, numbers exchanged, that none of that had ever happened. What is a little concerning, the photos I've got are exactly the same now as they were back in April with the exception of one new picture I put up in July. Believe me, I called him on it.
Do you remember me?
Did we talk before ?
Did we meet?
Yes, we talked for a very long time
over the summer. Never met in person
because you kept asking me to show
you my boobs and you got mad when
I declined to do so because I didn't feel
comfortable doing that.
I'm sorry can u forgive me
Can we try to hangout again
At some point, theres a point where even the best of patience levels is pushed beyond what is acceptable. The answer is no, there will be no third times the charm and I believe even the guys would agree with me out there, this is a bad, made-for-tv movie where the ending will somehow involve either a trip to the funny farm or at least a restraining order. Can I forgive him? Absolutely, he's not worth harboring any negative feelings towards and to be honest, how do I know he isn't suffering from short term memory loss? Mental illness and memory loss is no laughing matter and I would not condemn a man who suffered from it.
If you feel so inclined, I encourage you to consider making a donation the Alzheimer's Association in honor of your favorite single guy or gal in the spirit of their plight as they may run across their own version of Stan and will have to, on more than one occasion, need to handle a few bad pennies. Stay happy my campers!
Optimistically Yours,
The above story started out in April 2014 and the last message from Stan was sent on August 4th, 2014. On September 24th, he sent me a message via the dating website I'm on (of which I was confident I'd blocked him but apparently it didn't save).
His message: Hey Sarah I'm Stan nice to meet you. Your very pretty
I sat at my computer, dumbfounded that Stan has once again found me, he's like a bad penny! Now, messaging me as if he was introducing himself for the very first time, that not once but twice in 6 months, the conversations we'd had, numbers exchanged, that none of that had ever happened. What is a little concerning, the photos I've got are exactly the same now as they were back in April with the exception of one new picture I put up in July. Believe me, I called him on it.
Do you remember me?
Did we talk before ?
Did we meet?
Yes, we talked for a very long time
over the summer. Never met in person
because you kept asking me to show
you my boobs and you got mad when
I declined to do so because I didn't feel
comfortable doing that.
I'm sorry can u forgive me
Can we try to hangout again
At some point, theres a point where even the best of patience levels is pushed beyond what is acceptable. The answer is no, there will be no third times the charm and I believe even the guys would agree with me out there, this is a bad, made-for-tv movie where the ending will somehow involve either a trip to the funny farm or at least a restraining order. Can I forgive him? Absolutely, he's not worth harboring any negative feelings towards and to be honest, how do I know he isn't suffering from short term memory loss? Mental illness and memory loss is no laughing matter and I would not condemn a man who suffered from it.
If you feel so inclined, I encourage you to consider making a donation the Alzheimer's Association in honor of your favorite single guy or gal in the spirit of their plight as they may run across their own version of Stan and will have to, on more than one occasion, need to handle a few bad pennies. Stay happy my campers!
Optimistically Yours,
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