Hello campers! Its been awhile and by that I mean, life happened, hard....and writing took such a far backseat, it was stuck in traffic 8 miles back! Apologies, I will be making up for it in this two part series. Enjoy and if not, feel free to judge me, I don't mind ;)
Fall of 2014 was a turning point in my dating adventure to say the least. I'd been on a string of ridiculous first dates never amounting to a second and I'd gotten to the point of saying to myself "You are gorgeous, intelligent, savvy and blessed but you SUCK at finding your own true love, time to call in the reinforcements" whereas I replied back to myself "Well if I suck so bad, who has better judgment than me?" (insert smartass eyebrow raised in response) "You know exactly who." To be honest, it was a pretty great chat I had with myself, I couldn't argue with this logic and since I am awesome, I keep just as awesome and intelligent people in my life. With a quick text, I informed my dear friend Nicole that she was responsible for finding me my true love. Mission accepted!
With Nicole on the case, that triggered me to go onto the dating website I was currently fishing for a man on and remove my profile. Logging in, I discover that there is a message from a guy I'd talked to over a year prior. We had hit it off nicely but attempts at a first date always fell through so I gave up and moved on. Bright big smile, sparkle in his eye, even had a sense of humor that matched mine perfectly, it was almost fate that the day I am about to delete my account, that Marlie* pops back in again. Within 24 hours we've got our first date set and I'm openly excited about finally meeting him! The day before our date, in complete honesty, I tell him about this blog. I send him the link and tell him if after reading it he doesn't want to see me the next night, I'll completely understand, no harm done. 20 minutes later I get a text back "Oh my god! I feel like I have to apologize on behalf of every man out there. I am so sorry you've been through all of that! I promise I will never EVER treat you like that. I don't know what it is but I just have a feeling we are going to have a great time tomorrow night and I'm even more excited than I was before to see you!" (verbatim taken from my text archives)
For reals? Either I just hit the jackpot with Marlie or I'm dreaming...so don't wake me up just incase!
A dive bar called Monkey Pants is where we meet just days later and thank the stars he looks even better in person than in his photos! Its like Nicole was channeling her great mojo right from the start! We instantly connect, discover there are quite a few similarities in our outlook on life and I will admit, sitting on a questionable sofa in that looked like it was stolen from my grandmother's basement, we made out like teenagers--WOW it was fantastic!
The next few weeks were like a dream, we didn't fight or disagree, conversation was never lacking and things just felt like they were falling into step with the two of us. He held my hand, cuddled on the couch, I actually cooked for him (which is a sign I like a man if I cook for them fyi). So much honesty and open communication that it wasn't scary that he started referring to me as his girlfriend and told me he deleted his profile by week 2. He had a drawer by week 3.
You're probably thinking whoa, this chick is crazy, thats moving too fast! Agreed, it did seem like it was moving fast and we even discussed that, and it didn't feel wrong so I decided for once to follow my heart and fate rather than my brain and common sense, regardless of the consequences. I mean, who needs brains in a relationship right? It wasn't a whimsical decision, inviting him home to Seattle and meet the family for Thanksgiving. I told him theres no take backs, he will be expected to answer lots of questions from my family and it probably will be awkward but he said he was all in, no hesitations. Turned in my points and got him a ticket!
A week later, I am back on the dating site where we'd met, in the process of writing an updated entry for the blog. He knew I had saved conversations etc that I referred to for authenticity and that I kept the account but was hidden. Apparently, Marlie lied and had actually kept his profile because I got a notice that he was online and not just for a bit but was actually on there for awhile. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but once I know I'm being lied to, the heart takes a hike and the brain takes over. I hadn't heard from him that day and it was odd to go long without at least a text by lunchtime so I called him, went straight to voicemail so I hung up and sent a him a text "Hey handsome! Want to grab dinner tonight?" No response. As time slipped on I sent him a message on the site and basically told him he was caught red handed. He didn't respond to that message but began sending me text message after text message of the most ridiculous subject matter, throwing in profanity here and there and to be as gracious as possible, lets just say our relationship and my personal safety to be around him went from "safe as a kitten" to "I need to move and change my name". No clue what triggered his behavior change, infact the night before we both changed our social media status to "in a relationship" and he told me he was excited to be official, with over 109 likes (if that mattered?).
By the end of that day, I'd done my homework, the one time I don't do a background check on a guy (heart over brains) is the one time I should have. He had a rap sheet that included several traffic violations, two restraining orders (one from the girl he'd met on the same website just before me!) and disturbing the peace. His story of where he'd lived v. what the check gave me didn't match up and the more I dug up the more the concern for my safety emerged, this guy was violent! This may be the only time I'll ever admit that having a dating profile was actually a good thing because if I hadn't caught him, who knows how much longer I'd been with him before he did anything worse than just cheat?
Of course I was heartbroken as well, I'd opened up to him, exposed myself and allowed him to see me vulnerable. I even allowed him to take care of me when I had a vertigo episode of which I am super weird about being around others when I have one. I called my father and told him that Marlie wasn't coming home with me, we were no longer dating and I didn't want to talk about it, let the rest of the family know.
On the cusp of breaking up with anyone and it looks like its going to be messy, you need to be smart. Anticipate that if someone is talking irrationally to you, their actions will match. I didn't reach out to him after that day I caught him. I reported him to the dating website indicating what had happened and that the girl he dated before me had to take legal action against him because she feared for her safety. Anyone he meets after me, if allowed to keep his profile, legally the website is fostering a platform for his next victim. He was gone within 24 hours. I reached out to the ex girlfriend and explained the situation to her and let her know if there was anything I should be concerned about or aware of. I updated and changed all the locks on my security system at home, called customer service and let them know of the situation just incase and also reached out to my neighbors. The kids next door are awesome and kept a close eye on my house, better than any neighborhood watch, I should really have baked them more cookies in hindsight to repay them for that built-in security come to think of it. If they ever saw Marlie's car to let their mom know so she could check on me just incase.
The good thing was, I was proactive and even though I allowed my heart to take the front seat of this relationship, I have no regrets that it didn't work out. I had a ticket for adventure where possibility and trust to let someone into my heart wasn't scary and the usual cynical thoughts of "this isn't going to work out" weren't present until they needed to be. I got out of my own way and it paid off, well for awhile at least. I got to see what all of my wonderful friends who are in healthy relationships feel and I gotta tell ya, felt pretty great! I see the appeal and wished that I'd buckled down more when I was in college to get more serious when I met someone new, even if he was just someone I'd met that night for a date dash or at a fraternity party.
Lesson learned, even though he promised me he never treat me poorly, never say never--dishonesty and lying leads to disaster every time. The heart IS allowed to take the drivers seat, as long as you've got a good security system at home for back up just incase. Stay tuned for part II!
~ Optimistically Yours, :)
*Marlie's name has been changed to protect his identity even though he doesn't technically deserve my mercy and grace to do so.
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